Broken, Weary, and Hopeless (triggering?)

Everyday life. How was your day?

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shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Fri Jun 10, 2011 10:15 am

((((((crystal))))))

((((((Hollyann)))))))) Thank you so much. You are so wise for one so young, you really do show so much wisdom and knowledge beyond your years.

I got a good night's sleep last night and am doing a bit better today. Its amazing how healing a good night's sleep can be, whereas not sleeping definitely takes a huge toll on my physical and mental health.

As far as the nightmares, its usually that he has some how gotten out of prison and it is like an echo, not what really happened exactly but representative of it. I guess I am just deeply disturbed that no one listened to my warnings now that I know I was correct about him, and in my dreams I am living that over and over again.

I'll probably post more later. Meanwhile ((((((((((holly, warmie, tacking)))))))) thank you for your thoughtful and caring responses. It really does help.

hollyann
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Postby hollyann » Fri Jun 10, 2011 11:34 pm

(((((Hopes))))) Thank you. I try.

I'm glad you got a good night sleep. And yes having enough sleep is important. Glad to hear you are a bit better. You continue to be in my thoughts.

Understand what you are saying. I do hope the dreams ease up. They can be really hard. Just remind yourself that you did what you could to have them listen. And when he gets out of prision he is going to have that charge follow him around. He won't be free of it. And just about anybody who looks it up will know. If he ever travels it will follow him. And make it hard for it to happen again. Just try and remind yourself of that. Here any time you need to talk.

hollyann

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Sat Jun 11, 2011 1:21 pm

Thanks ((((((((holly))))))). The dreams make no real sense, because he will be on the sex offender registry when he gets out. What happened in reality is that I told my pdoc thought something was going on, went to an old therapist of mine and talked to her about my fears, confronted my husband with some things that made me suspicious in a social worker's office (and she basically took his side that I was paranoid and told me I should think about going in the hospital), and I talked to the person responsible for the children at the children's home and a lawyer, who assured me I had done all I needed to do. No one thought anything of it. So I left him and divorced him. Then, he gets caught when a nude photo of a girl circulates at her middle school and she tells what he did to her.

In recent dreams, he is in love with an 11 year old and I am trying to tell her family. In another, he's gotten out of prison and is volunteering or working for children's charity in my town and I am trying to warn them.

I will never forget how that social worker dismissed me when I said I was concerned that he said he was afraid of getting erections around this one girl who had been severely abused. I didn't think it was normal for a 40some year old man to get erections hugging or similar contact with an 11 year old. Obviously this is where the mental scarring comes from. Being dismissed because I was mentally ill, not being taken seriously. Just like I was essentially dismissed in my claim against the hospital. Just like my reputation got smeared erroneously by a political enemy. Is it any wonder I have shame about my mental illness and feel insignificant and as if I have no voice?

I know you are right ((((((((holly))))))))), but everytime I have the dreams it just reopens the wounds.

It just makes me sick. Totally sick.

xken728
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Time to rest

Postby xken728 » Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:19 pm

I think its time to rest .you have been thru to much ,You felt the need to cry out ,and look how all your freinds here have reached out and touched you ,now you feel this support take a rest. You must look after yourself now S,hopes ,Your voice is here with your freinds (its time to let someone else fight the world )
best wishes xn728

hollyann
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Postby hollyann » Sun Jun 12, 2011 1:16 pm

(((((hopes)))))))) It would make any one sick. And that social worker probably lives with ignoring you every day. Also maybe now that this has happened and she discounted it to your mental illness maybe next time she gets someone with an illness she won't be so quick to judge. You did what you could. That's more than what some people are able to.

Just remind yourself that when he gets out that he won't be able to get work there. Because that will follow him from now on. Most places do a background check these days. And if they don't you can always politely bring it to their attention if you find out he's doing it. Noone wants someone to find out they are letting someone like that work there.

You did all you could do. And all that you were legally responsible to do. The rest is on the others for not following through. I'm sorry you've been discounted so much because of your illness. Unfortunately it happens to a lot of people, but like I said, but maybe because of this experience the social worker will think about it twice before doing it to someone else.

The dreams may not make sense to you, nothing like this ever does but its your mind trying to process all this.

Thinking of you
hollyann

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Tue Jun 14, 2011 11:40 am

((((((((brother ken)))))))) wish i could rest, I am just too troubled.

((((((((Holly)))))))))) I know the dreams aren't realistic, the problem is they open the wounds to what is real everytime I have them.

I am exceedingly frustrated and angry. Its not just that I am blocked from things I want and suffered because of my own defects and shortcomings (which is a part of the problem), but too many things are outside of my control and I face insurmountable obstacles.

I don't know that she feels any remorse. I guess that one of the hardest things in trying to let go, is when people who do grave injury appear to show no remorse. I do my best to make amends and apologize when I realize I've wronged someone. That doesn't erradicate my responsibility, but I know it would help if some people apologized to me and listened to me explain the hurt they caused. Instead I am in ruins and those who hurt me appear to prosper and go on as if nothing happened. Justice, I have learned the hard way, is more rare than I previously thought. Sometimes I've seen karma bite people, but more often than not I've seen people get away with so much.

I just don't like this world and what I"ve learned about it and don't want to be a part of it anymore. But I go on because today my mom needs me to take her to her hair appointment.

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Sat Jun 18, 2011 10:59 am

I had a dream about going to see my former therapist and when I awoke I remembered something. She did think there was cause for concern and called my pdoc to discuss whether they should bring in the authorities. They decided that since the person at the children's home knew, it was in her hands, from what I remember my therapist telling me. Unfortunately, I would later learn from the girl's attorney that my pdoc no longer had a special liscense to practice or something like that, he wasn't supposed to be doing therapy I guess. But anyway, remembering this has been a blessing because I know not all mental health professionals are bad, some are very good and helpful. That therapist and her treatment enabled me once to go off disability and work to support myself and I was doing well until my ex husbands arrest and things changing at work that eventually made it impossible for me to continue and had to stop seeing the therapist for financial reasons. So what might have been a setback ended up being a major setback that started a complete downward spiral. When it rains it pours.

I am back to thinking I need to try some things again and have an idea for a little project. Chances of it working out are about like the chances of winning the lottery, but its more a need on my part to keep doing and trying to make a contribution and get myself together as much as I can on my own because no one is going to rescue me and no miracle can be expected. So I am hoping to try this thing, knowing the odds aren't in my favor, maybe I won't have such high expections and therefore be so disappointed when it doesn't work out but instead give me the courage to try something else. Only problem is when I think about it I freeze up with anxiety, so I am taking ativan and taking my time to do it and not put pressure of perfectionism or all or nothing thinking on top of all my other obstacles.

I decided to splurge on some mcdonald's the other day and my credit card was rejected. I called the company and they had put a hold on my card for suspected fraudulent activity and yes, it turns out someone was using my card number illegally. I am not liable for the fraudulent charges, but had to cancel the card and they will issue a new one. I am just a bit stressed because I was relying on the card to give me extra room to get through the month. Hopefully, the new card will come in time to get my medicine. I am also freaked out, because I heard on the news a company I had a credit card with was hacked, so this may be how they got my other credit card number. I wonder what else they got and am paranoid about my debit/credit card on my checking account or identity theft at this point so need to get credit reports and monitor everything, I've already talked to my bank, but this is just really stressing me out. I am so grateful the credit card company was so on the ball identifying the fraud and in not holding me responsible for those charges. And they asked me about all the charges, so I was able to identify those I made, so those will be honored despite the closing of the account. When it rains it pours.

:(

hollyann
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Postby hollyann » Sun Jun 19, 2011 11:06 pm

Hopes, I'm so sorry that is a lot. I've been hearing on tv about a thing called life lock. Unlike credit reports, that report things after they happen, life lock contacts you as it happens. Just a suggestion.

I'm glad that you remembered that and it restored some of your faith in the mental health profession again.

I wish you luck on your project. Maybe with such little expectations, that when it happens and turns out good you might be even more pleased. I really do hope it works, and even if dont we are all here to encourage you to keep trying.

You've had so much happen to you. I know it takes a toll but you always got us to fall back on.

hollyann

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Mon Jun 20, 2011 5:32 am

((( shattered ))) I love you sis. Don't forget that.

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Tue Jun 28, 2011 11:14 am

((((((((hollyann, obayan)))))))))) thank you both.

Sometimes I get a whiff of fire, and go looking for it only to find there is no fire and it goes away. I am thinking this is a sort of flashback from when I tried to commit suicide by setting myself ablaze. I put the fire out because it was so painful and I am a wimp when it comes to pain. Does anyone else get physical sensations from flashbacks?

I watched part of a program on human trafficking on television and it reminded me of when I was an adolescent in an abusive relationship that the guy said a contract had been put on his life and I had been targeted by human traffickers for child sex slavery. I don't know if that's true, or something he told me to tighten his grip on me, as if it could be worse without him.

Things like human trafficking, genocide, oppression, famine, etc. going on in the world disturb me greatly. I used to be an activist on many issues and now I can do nothing. Partly the problem is paralysis from depression and anxiety, partly my own defects, and partly the overwhelming obstacles in my way and realization that few can really make a difference in this horrible world, and most likely those who aren't plagued by the mistakes I've made, defects I've got, and insurmountable obstacles...you have to be positioned, I've learned to do anything worthwhile, and I'm just not. Maybe just sounds like an excuse, but I am too weary to try anymore.

I once had such high ambitions and really believed that "all things work together for the good of those who love the lord" and that god would not give me more than I could bear. Now I know those things to be falsehoods. People die with unfulfilled and broken dreams all the time, only the lucky make it.

My days are so hollow and I spend so much time praying to whatever god there might be to end my life now. I do believe there is something of a higher power, what it is I don't know. All I know is when I was insane hearing voices and seeing visions, I learned things and had psychic moments that convinced me firmly in my mind there was more going on than just mental illness, which was only a portion of the equation. The other thing I learned is whatever it was is not good. It is evil. So I hope against hope there is somehow still something of a good and loving god who is just somehow incapable of intervening, but have my doubts.

The year of insanity was pure torture. That's the only way I could describe it. And to have the hospital mistreat me in the middle of a living nightmare was just way way more than I could bear.

I am not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but do feel I have suffered far more than could be karmicly justifiable. So I am also dealing with anger and bitterness. I don't want to get out of bed most of the time. I am so stuck with so few options, none of which are appealing.

I have such a strong strong yearning to make a difference in the world. I've always had it. I would like to do something on a larger scale, but now understand that is impossible. So what can I do from here that could even remotely make life worth living again?


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