My first day at my new job and..

[EmmaliciouS]

It was a unmitigated disaster

I had alot of nerves beforehand, full of apprehension & it showed inside and out. I am really bad in groups, big or small, in big groups i get overwhelmed and need be alone for a bit 'cos get freaked out and claustrophobic & in small groups i feel uneasy and awkward 'cos people sorta stare and want you to chip in but you feel really pressured and constantly aware of them and how you're reacting.

My job (was supposed to be) an admin assistant, i applied because it was tucked away in a office.. just 5 of us on individual computers, using fax machines, telephones, making documents etc.. not too problematic, no confrontations or groups or team work.
But.. it wasn't.

Turns out, because i have so little experience the scheme i got my job through (future jobs fund) have made it so this job is purpose built to give me scope and experience, idea is i do as much as possible in 6 months and then leave, put my feet in lotsa different places & get as much on my CV as possible.... however, this is out my comfort zone by a country mile! I don't like it, day's are always gonna be different (different hours too) and hardly any structure (things which i need in order to feel relaxed)
But today was hugely overwhelming:

Today my job involved the supervising of children in drug rehabilitation, or students expelled from their schools, or those whom are mentally challenged. All aged 14-16 in mathematics and problem solving, i was the assistant, helping out if they have problems. Absolutely terrified, i thought i'd be doing paper work.. this was not for me. It went wrong for me right away.
I am not the most emotionally strong, but having 14 year old boys and girls filled with anger and violence and generally misbehaving and being rude (including walking out several times for cigarrette breaks - they're 14-16 by the way :S)

I sucked, was really bad at it because i'm not confident they completely picked me apart. My boss didn't help, i think she wanted to see how i'd react and i crumbled, am not the strongest girl and am scaredy cat at most things especially antagonistic behaviour. They first picked on me because i was shy and made a remark about not having a tongue in my head, then had a big chat about if i was foreign or deaf, kept saying stuff and i was well aware i was doing that nervous laughter thing you do when you feel threatened and dunno what to say. So i just put my head down and hoped they'd look away and spent 7 hours fighting tears until i cracked when went the bathroom and had a cry.
Am not supposed to work 7 hours either, am only doing 27 a week, should be 5 and a bit a day anyway. So that didn't help my stress.

Anyway, i gotta go back tomorrow, i don't know if is the same bit because i'm a filler so i'm doing odd bits here and there every day. Hope don't go back there. Never done that before, never wanna again.

But now am feeling upset and self-conscious and worried about tomorrow, got no motivation and today was only day 1.
Should i hand my notice in? Or does that make me a coward and i'm just running away? What do i do? I don't wanna go back but i need the money and don't wanna get in trouble with them for leaving right away 'cos they'll be really mad, just isn't the job i applied for or expected, if i'd of known i wouldn't of even gone to the interview 'cos i know this is beyond me 'cos am not confident enough
I dunno what to do

One hand, i need the money and don't want them to be cross at me and don't wanna run away from everything i'm afraid of 'cos i won't learn anything and it won't help my social phobias and personal fears:

On the other hand, i'm doing a job i didn't apply for or expect and am way over my head, totally overwhelmed, is destroying my mental stability and i am physically scared when i'm in that environment and i'm rubbish at the job, how can help people when am incapable of talking to them..

Help me, gotta go back tomorrow, dunno what to do

(PS i know people will shout at me 'cos i have a job now when loads people want one and i'm complaining, but be gentle if gonna shout at me, bit vulnerable today and won't help me)
Thanks ^^

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I hope that your second day went better than your first......Assuming that you did have a second day.......( Yes, I know, that sounded a rather lame way to start a post, even to me. Sorry! )
I have to admit that I haven't heard of the " future jobs fund ", but reading your post my impression is that the people running this scheme are about as useless as a chocolate teapot!!!! ( As we say hereabouts.... )
I does seem as if the job you applied for bears no resemblance to where they put you!!!! I would have thought that the best way to ease someone with your/my/our problems like depression, anxiety, social phobia etc, back into work would be to do as you described. Let them ease into a quiet, safe, self-contained job/working environment and so build their confidence until they feel able to move on somewhere else.
Instead they seem to have dropped you into the kind of situation that even a trained and experienced teacher, social worker or probation officer might find challenging.
In my view it isn't fair, and probably isn't even rational, to simply drop someone into such an environment with no training, support or experience. I can feel myself starting to get *&%$! angry that the people who are presumably meant to be helping you back into work are making things so difficult for you.
But, that doesn't help you of course, does it?
Practically speaking I'm not sure what to say to you that might help. Is there someone that you can complain to, and explain how badly this is affecting you? Eg: is this scheme being run by a private sector group? If so, is there anybody in " officialdom "overseeing how this group performs. Do you have any paperwork like a contract that specified the kind of job they promised you, compared with the job they gave you.
If you're feeling physically at risk in your working environment, could you take this up with anyone as a " Health and Safety " issue? Eg: if you were hurt in the course of this scheme who, would be liable?
I'm certainly NOT going to shout at you or judge you. If nothing else, please keep reminding yourself that this is SOOOOOOOOO NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You took a very brave first step in moving your life forwards.
Unfortunately, I suspect that this scheme just isn't giving you the help that they probably promised you. ( I myself had an unfortunate experience on a Government Employment Training scheme. I ended up with a " training provider " ( ? ) that seemed to have more cowboys than the 7th Cavalry!!!! )
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, can I ask you not to let this knock you back any more than you can help. Yes, by all means hold on to the money if you can, but there's only one of you and you SOOOOOO ARE worth preserving

[EmmaliciouS]

Hiya

Thankya nice words, was super sweet reply that, made me feel nice

Just finished Day 3, still not too keen but when went there yesterday it turns out i was doing a job that legally i can't do! I'm not trained for the role i got assigned, nor do i even have a CRB check (i believe that's what it's called) so i was working with children 7 hours monday & bits of yesterday when legally that can't happen!
Mean nothing went wrong, but hypothetically if say i had a nasty history or say i accidentally hurt a kid or something then i'd a been in loads a trouble and wouldn't a been my fault! As you said, not my fault. So when that got cleared they moved me to the office for admin (which was the job applied for, but they should of gave it me straight away as i almost quit on Day 1 because of it.. plus it bashed my confidence, real upset me and isn't worth all the pay in all the eart)

Today and yesterday wasn't too good though because even in the office is still bit hectic for me, like you say i need something ease me in safely and is a crowded, hectic & very rushed sorta place. Thankfully is part time, barely got it in me for that but heck if was full time think i'd a been in lil pieces by now!
Still unsure what to do, i think i gonna look for another job, know is running away from the problem but that's not too bad, i got a tendency to runaway lol
But then is the big question, what job does ya apply for when A) There isn't too great a selection as it is? B) What jobs offer people a decent amount of seclusion from *scary/intimidating/overwhelming* things without isolating them all day long? & C) I feel all like a pansy, like "so emma, why'd you leave your job".. "erm.. cos i'm this massive scaredy-cat that sorta.. runs.. lots :S".. Epic Groan!

Hah yeah the scheme is pretty useless
I think 'cos i have not much work history that they figured i could do snippets of all sorts so it's good for experience (true it is to a point) but it's intimidating and way daunting, would rather it be easier.. maybe a specific job rather than a scheme would be more strict in it's role, probably best i left.
Yeah i asked my bosses' boss about it when she found out i not been CRB'd, so she moved me for that anyway but told her i wasn't comfortable. Is hard say if am at physical risk, was sorta in a way, i mean the kids are very unpredictable and frightening when they're angry so does feel worrying.. peace of mind now though that am in a office, but then i gotta deal with the parents and the invoices and phones and stuff, wouldn't mind really but is just the crowdedness.. deal with about 200 people (either in person or on phone) and is way too many for me, get overwhelmed =/

Thankya lovely friendly advice, nice read and got me giggling xD
I give it the rest of the week, job hunt next week whilst work and hopefully get something less pressured, but don't plan on being here any longer than another 3 weeks at max.
Thanks kindness, helped me lots and made me smile so did lotsa good that

[EmmaliciouS]

So yeah, i walked out today.. :S

Had enough, don't care if they fire me tomorrow, sod them. They said to me yesterday to come in at 10 and me and my colleage would undergo training with my manager. So, i come in at 10, woman says "oh i don't need you till half 1 love".. so it costs almost 5 pound bus fair to get there, i was livid, she wanted me to bus home and bus back at half 1 then bus home again.. thats almost 11 pound bus fair in one day (baring in mind i only earn a meesly 4.83 a hour, i wouldn't i don't think actually make any money because of the travel) so i argued this.
She said ok she'd find me work to do, then i find out because i started work 3 hours early and the government won't allow me to work more than 27 hours i cannot claim money for those 3 hours... basically did 3 hours unpaid work!

Then she expected me to stick around for my training at half 1! The nerve! She didn't have the common decency to tell me my shift had changed, nor even give me a schedule (for example i don't know what hours i'm working tomorrow either!) this whole thing is a utter mess from one the most disorganized pieces of poo of a company ever.. =/
So i said "Ok, i'll just take my lunch and be back" and i instead got the bus home. Screw them. They can't just make me work for nothing all morning whilst my colleage gets a free pass! It's not right! Bad enough i'm working for 4.83 pounds, let alone doing an extra 3 hours (which i'm not allowed to claim for) and it goes unregistered and unpaid! No, am not doing it!

Left me on my bloody own AGAIN whilst i practically ran the whole flamin' thing then told me i won't get paid for it but i need to stick around for another 3 and a half hours in the afternoon! No way, no way no way, i'd rather be fired than that, is extortion.
Besides, if they do fire me? Bam, i worked with children under the age of 16 without a CRB check, that is illegal and i will sue their company so hard they'll not want the hassle.

Anywhoo, just wanted to vent, in the long run i'll be kicking myself for screwing up my employment history and future but frankly i don't care, am not a slave and i'm not doing 14 people's work in 7 hours unpaid because my colleage gets a free pass because i happened to be several hours early due to not being given a schedule or informed of my hours.... absolute garbage.

Very miffed!

Anyway i don't care if get fired, had enough of employment anyway, given up on it. So will just do other things in my time and make money else were, no jobs for me or that suit me so yeah and i gave up on employment so is fine, will just busk or something, i don't care, serve them right for treating me bad and making me do stuff i weren't contracted to do.

/rant

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm sorry that this job has turned out so disappointingly for you.
I was one of the first of those who muddled their way through the last Conservative government's " Employment Training " scheme, so I have to admit I've been sceptical of similar such schemes ever since. ( I can't help wondering, as I type this, if I might have got more effective training and help from Steven Spielberg's ET! Sigh! )
But, me ranting about my " ( Non ) working-class hero " past won't be of any help here will it?
As I say, I'm not really sure that I can really say much that will practically help your situation, other than offering moral support and a few thoughts.......
You say that you said " OK, I'll just take my lunch break and be back ", and then you got the 'bus home. So, is it theoretically possible that you could go back to the job tomorrow, with some plausible excuse why you didn't go back this afternoon? ( Eg. You misunderstood what she said to you, thought your training had been cancelled, you felt ill, you had a " family emergency " and had to take care of your Aunt/ Hamster/ Pet Tulip/whatever? )
Now I'm not saying thay you SHOULD do this, I'm just suggesting that you MIGHT be able to do this. Assuming that they might not know that you left intending never to come back, might you be able to " blag " your way back in? ( Again, I'm not saying that you should do this, I'm just raising the possibility that perhaps you haven't " burned your boats " as irrevocably as you think? )
As you say, perhaps it might be better to hold onto this job, ( However much it falls short of what you need and what you were promised. ),
until you can move into something else. That way you won't be " screwing up my employment history and future " as you talked about in your post.
Also, in your last but one post, you describe yourself as a " massive scaredy-cat that sorta..runs lots ". I wonder if perhaps you're being too hard on yourself. ( I have the same tendency sometimes. )
I do agree that, ultimately, running away doesn't solve anything. BUT, I would ask you to be careful to distinguish between " running away " ( That doesn't solve anything, ), and " changing course " which might involve a temporary retreat or sidewise move, but might perhaps end up taking you closer to where you want to go.
As ever, just a few thoughts and some moral support. For whatever it may be worth?
Take care of yourself!
( " Courage men , the human beings may yet defeat the politicians! "
Alistair Cooke. )

[EmmaliciouS]

Heya ^^

Heh, well after made that post i had a glass (or 3) of wine and some grub and calmed down a bit

Ta nice words, yeah i sorry aswell 'cos thought might be onto a winner with it but nah not gonna be a long term thing.
I don't think a person should do a job or something that they are desperately unsatisfied with because is other jobs and i mean if your in a job for like 5 years at a time then you'll only have like 5-7 jobs in a lifetime. So if unhappy prob best to leave, so your right, it's 'changing course' more than running away (sounds better too)

You got right to be skeptical about government employment schemes, i've been on the Young Persons Guarentee (YPG) and the Future Jobs Fund (FJF) aswell as Job Seekers Allowance (JSA) and all these schemes suck immensely. Better of sorting it yourself, only reason i put myself on these schemes was 'cos it was meant to be specific. Like i'd have said what i was after (quiet, within a 10 mile radius, office/admin related, reserved environment etc) and so far the positions i was offered have been finding homes for the homeless.. which is trapsing around town at night locating people sleeping rough and find them beds.. because that's ideal for someone who doesn't want lots of interaction and is a bit vulnerable, that's ideal to put them out on the streets at night in the city centre
The other one was outside the radius and was a sports coach for teenagers... again... hows that a refined, quiet environment..
But these schemes are so flawed because my name was basically forwarded to vacancies and interviews would be coming through sometimes utterly different from what i was after but i'd have to go or else i'd be thrown of JSA!

I applied for this based on it being calm and secluded but is a playground more or less

On the blag thing i could, i could say "Well i worked the intended hours only i did them in the AM so figured you surely wouldn't want me in the PM aswell because i've done my alotted time.. you weren't very clear, heck you still haven't given me my schedule i don't know when i start or finish.. ever.. at all.. period." And i been running that through in my brain, if it sounds good i don't know!?

I also am job hunting, but am not the most clued, i think when you resign you work your notice so do a week or two i think. But if you quit i don't know if is the same? Can't see myself working a week or two after quiting in outrage. I not sure

Thanks nice stuff, always nice to have lil support, lil tough sometimes when have make a decision and what not.. but God didn't bless me with family but he did bless me with a computer

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I'm a little bit doubtful about your " blagging " suggestion, only because if they feel that they're being criticised, ( However fair and valid that criticism might be. ), might they be more difficult about letting you slip back in? ( Although, I'm very conscious of how little I know of this scheme and the people running it. ) It doesn't sound good, but perhaps it might be something to hang on to until you find something better?
Take care of yourself and good luck!