Devastated at Psychiatrist Appt
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YOU WILL DO IT MICH
ive been thinking of you today mich ,,today is a big thing for you i know ,,i hope its going ok for you ,,im sure you will make it ,,and give your husband a nice day ,,,so many good thoughts coming your way mich ,,stay strong and safe ,,,always here hugs (((((mich))))),,lots of love ken xxx
WISHING
ANOTHER SILENT DAY MY DEAR MICH i do hope your safe ,,my praying and hoping doesnt seem to help you these days ,,you suffer so harshly ,,but no matter how silent you are i will keep talking ,,everyday ,,,
thinking of you now mich ,,,hugs (((((mich))))),,lots of love ken xxx
thinking of you now mich ,,,hugs (((((mich))))),,lots of love ken xxx
I have been around here and there today. I thank you for your prayers; they may have been what enabled me to get up today and face the world.
Everything seems so impossibly hard today. The expectations of me seem overwhelming and I wish to escape them. Even though they are very trivial things, I have so much trouble facing them. I spent a few hours in bed today hoping that the day would just go away but of course that did not happen. Very soon everyone will be expecting dinner and I will have to spring into action, like it or not. I just want to float away from my obligations and ever have to deal with them again. In this state, everything seems like a mountain. I have not managed to shower today but I still intend to....I just need to do it. I look like hell for sure and my daughter got some new shower gel that I want to try.
I want to bury myself in my covers today and just tell everyone that I simply cannot function. I want them to fend for themselves. I want desperately to get comfort from my music again but it is still unwelcome noise to me and that saddens me. I am eating small things; mostly small salads which are mainly lettuce and red pepper. I know I would feel better if I would just eat but that is oh so terribly hard to do. I like this feeling of disappearing in size, of my pants falling off me. I know I must not let this take over but I fear it is too late.
Everything seems so impossibly hard today. The expectations of me seem overwhelming and I wish to escape them. Even though they are very trivial things, I have so much trouble facing them. I spent a few hours in bed today hoping that the day would just go away but of course that did not happen. Very soon everyone will be expecting dinner and I will have to spring into action, like it or not. I just want to float away from my obligations and ever have to deal with them again. In this state, everything seems like a mountain. I have not managed to shower today but I still intend to....I just need to do it. I look like hell for sure and my daughter got some new shower gel that I want to try.
I want to bury myself in my covers today and just tell everyone that I simply cannot function. I want them to fend for themselves. I want desperately to get comfort from my music again but it is still unwelcome noise to me and that saddens me. I am eating small things; mostly small salads which are mainly lettuce and red pepper. I know I would feel better if I would just eat but that is oh so terribly hard to do. I like this feeling of disappearing in size, of my pants falling off me. I know I must not let this take over but I fear it is too late.
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
((((((((((Mich)))))))))) is there any way you can force down a spoonful or two of peanut butter? Not too much fat/calories in just a spoonful, and will help stabilize blood sugar which will help you feel better.
Did you ever look into group? Is there anyway you can see if there's anorexia support group on the internet? I know you said that you will probably not feel the need for treatment until you are fully a skeleton, but the fact is you may have passed the point of being able to get out of it on your own...please seek some help before it becomes to late. I worry you will have heart or other organ problems from the act of starving yourself that may be irreversible.
We love you ((((((((((Mich))))))))))) and hate that you are hurting so much and hurting yourself even more. You deserve better than the way you have been treated, so much better...my wish for you is that you would learn to nurture yourself in the way you needed but did not get as a child, in the way you push on despite severe, severe depression and pain to cook dinner for your family in an act of nurturing, or in the way you nurture and love all of us here with your kind, supportive, caring words.
Thinking of you and wish there was something magic I could say to make it better or relieve your intense pain...I feel so helpless sometimes. I hope you see some light soon...
Did you ever look into group? Is there anyway you can see if there's anorexia support group on the internet? I know you said that you will probably not feel the need for treatment until you are fully a skeleton, but the fact is you may have passed the point of being able to get out of it on your own...please seek some help before it becomes to late. I worry you will have heart or other organ problems from the act of starving yourself that may be irreversible.
We love you ((((((((((Mich))))))))))) and hate that you are hurting so much and hurting yourself even more. You deserve better than the way you have been treated, so much better...my wish for you is that you would learn to nurture yourself in the way you needed but did not get as a child, in the way you push on despite severe, severe depression and pain to cook dinner for your family in an act of nurturing, or in the way you nurture and love all of us here with your kind, supportive, caring words.
Thinking of you and wish there was something magic I could say to make it better or relieve your intense pain...I feel so helpless sometimes. I hope you see some light soon...
GOODNIGHT MICH
mich dear flower ,,take that shower ,then tell your daughter how nice her gel was ,,keep eating if only a small amount ,you will do dinner ok ,and your family will enjoy it ,,you know when they look at you they dont see what you see ,,because they dont look with the demons eyes ,,they see only someone they love and care for so much ,dont let the demon decieve you mich ,,you will come back to them and us ,,and as hard as it is mich
you will make it ,,i will fight for you as long as im needed ,,,hugs (((((mich))))),,,,my day is over now ,and while my body sleeps my mind will walk with you for the rest of your day ,,Goodnight my dear freind
lots of love ken xxx
you will make it ,,i will fight for you as long as im needed ,,,hugs (((((mich))))),,,,my day is over now ,and while my body sleeps my mind will walk with you for the rest of your day ,,Goodnight my dear freind
lots of love ken xxx
I have allowed myself some breakfast today: 1/2 piece of toast with the thinnest smear of peanut butter on it. Perhaps I will eat the other half for lunch.
I don't have much to say today. My mind seems to be completely blank and devoid of thought. The aching and pressure in my chest is ever-present but at least my mind is now quiet. I have a psych appt today and I fear I will spend most of the session sitting in silence. I have tried so hard to convey the magnitude of my despair to him but I know I have failed There are many who suffer much greater than I and this makes me feel guilty for suffering at all. When your parents do not care for you, you feel like you aren't worth caring for at all. They are the ones who are truly supposed to care and yet mine did not. Not only were they cold and distant, but they were downright evil in their treatment of me. I know I have done better for my kids but I also know I have not extended to them the outward displays of love that other mothers do. I am also a cold person, just like my mother, and my children are likely sometimes hurt by this. I never kiss them and I very rarely hug them. My daughter will sometimes initiate hugs and I will respond but I only hug my son on his birthday and at Christmas. I am afraid they are also not feeling the love and warmth of a normal home. I just don't have it inside me to give. I am so empty.
I don't have much to say today. My mind seems to be completely blank and devoid of thought. The aching and pressure in my chest is ever-present but at least my mind is now quiet. I have a psych appt today and I fear I will spend most of the session sitting in silence. I have tried so hard to convey the magnitude of my despair to him but I know I have failed There are many who suffer much greater than I and this makes me feel guilty for suffering at all. When your parents do not care for you, you feel like you aren't worth caring for at all. They are the ones who are truly supposed to care and yet mine did not. Not only were they cold and distant, but they were downright evil in their treatment of me. I know I have done better for my kids but I also know I have not extended to them the outward displays of love that other mothers do. I am also a cold person, just like my mother, and my children are likely sometimes hurt by this. I never kiss them and I very rarely hug them. My daughter will sometimes initiate hugs and I will respond but I only hug my son on his birthday and at Christmas. I am afraid they are also not feeling the love and warmth of a normal home. I just don't have it inside me to give. I am so empty.
LOVED BY US
you are a wonderful mother mich the things you feel are a product of depression ,,,your family love you ,,dont forget i have two girls grown up now i know ,,but kids they are very understanding even though they are young ,,they know your not well ,,as did my girls ,,and they grew up to be kind and caring ,,and perfect human beings ,,they always cuddle me now
because they understand ,,as will your children ,,,you are not empty ,,its just a feeling of emptiness ,,,tell your doc how your feeling ,if you feel that your not cared for ,,forget how your parents were ,,and make sure you show your kids love and kindness ,,,its your life now your
family ,,your empire to build and nurture ,if your parents threw there chance away to love you thats there loss ,not your fault ,,how ever dark it is now ,you will feel better soon ,,and like me you will see that there is a differant world outside, other than the one we are shown by the visitors in our lives
you are loved by your family and by us ,,,hugs (((((mich))))),,,lots of love ken xxxx
because they understand ,,as will your children ,,,you are not empty ,,its just a feeling of emptiness ,,,tell your doc how your feeling ,if you feel that your not cared for ,,forget how your parents were ,,and make sure you show your kids love and kindness ,,,its your life now your
family ,,your empire to build and nurture ,if your parents threw there chance away to love you thats there loss ,not your fault ,,how ever dark it is now ,you will feel better soon ,,and like me you will see that there is a differant world outside, other than the one we are shown by the visitors in our lives
you are loved by your family and by us ,,,hugs (((((mich))))),,,lots of love ken xxxx
I feel invisible. I am not eating and I have lost 20+ lbs and no one says a word...not my husband, not my doctor. It feels as if I am still a child and there is no one to care for me. No one reached out to that broken girl and she suffered for so long. The adult is very broken too and longs for the caring she never got as a child. This feels selfish; this feels wrong but I am still trying to get something that I will likely never get. I need to learn how to care for myself and not rely on others. It is so hard to get past this deep-seated feeling of hatred that I have for myself. I can only see myself as dirty and tainted and as an object of repulsion. The only nice thing that I have ever been able to say about myself is that I am punctual and never keep people waiting. I don't know what is going to soften this shell that I have built around me.
I have no friends at all. Not a single person to call or go to coffee with. I used to go to coffee with a woman, J, every couple of months but she gave me a strong signal that she doesn't want to do it any more. She was the closest thing I had to a friend. I feel like such a loser. Nobody likes me in real life. I never drone on about myself at all and I try hard not to look depressed but still I get dropped. Everyone can see that I am tainted and they want to stay far, far away from me.
I don't believe I will ever be well. I believe my life will eventually end by my own hand. I can't see it ending up any other way.
I have no friends at all. Not a single person to call or go to coffee with. I used to go to coffee with a woman, J, every couple of months but she gave me a strong signal that she doesn't want to do it any more. She was the closest thing I had to a friend. I feel like such a loser. Nobody likes me in real life. I never drone on about myself at all and I try hard not to look depressed but still I get dropped. Everyone can see that I am tainted and they want to stay far, far away from me.
I don't believe I will ever be well. I believe my life will eventually end by my own hand. I can't see it ending up any other way.
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shatteredhopes
- Posts: 664
- Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
- Location: U.S.
((((((((((((Mich))))))))))) I too for a long time blamed myself for the abuse I suffered and felt it was something wrong with me...it took a lot of work, mainly my 12 step program, to get the point of self-love and some sense of self worth (although not always present, when depressed, I suffer low self-esteem too, think its common). Two of the things which helped the most were taking an honest moral inventory of myself (where I realized I wasn't as bad as I thought and had some good qualities) and making amends where I had in fact done wrong.
If thinking positive things about yourself and recognizing some of the outstanding qualities we see in you is too hard, can you 1) list your accomplishments each day even things like taking a shower, changing your clothes, cooking dinner for the family, eating something, opening up in therapy, studying spanish...whatever you do give yourself credit for doing because it is sooooo hard with severe depression and PTSD. I think doing this drives us to sometimes accomplish more and feel good about what we've done...its a start to acknowledging something good about ourselves and feeling good about ourselves for something. 2) Can you list every day the things you are grateful for without feeling guilty about them, just somehow accepting them as a "gift" as if God is giving you somethings that are good to make up for what you have endured 3) Can you set some simple goals for yourself that might make you feel better about yourself, such as hugging the kids more, searching for anorexia support or going to group (either one I am CONFIDENT you will meet people that have similiar issues and will not view you as 'tainted' but like them and make a few friends in the long run...an extension of the peer support here...I heard that most anorexics suffered abuse, so I know you will find people who are in a similar place to work together on getting well)?
I am in a similiar position in that I have no real life close friends. But I also know that is my choice, my fault, in that I do not reach out because I fear rejection or being hurt/betrayed again. I know you have to put yourself out there to meet people and will get many no's before you get to yes, and I am just not prepared to do it. I suspect with you the problem is you are in too much pain to put yourself out there to start making friends. Where are you gunna meet people if you don't leave the house hardly and keep solely to yourself and are unwilling to risk rejections before you get to a 'yes'? I really think group is the best answer for you. You provide so much loving support here and everyone here loves you so much, I know you would find that in real life too if you went to group therapy. And you can always quit if you don't like it! You don't have to get into any issues you don't want to in a group, just what you want, and be supportive of others.
You feel tainted not because of who you are but how you were and are treated. And I am sure like me you have a hard time now standing up for yourself when you aren't treated right and demanding better. I am sorry your husband and psychiatrist don't notice the dramatic weight loss, but YOU DO, and only YOU can choose to do something about it.
As for ending your life, I just think of the trauma and guilt that would cause your kids. Just as I try to hang on so as not to hurt my mom, even if you don't feel their love, losing their mother to suicide would scar them for life. They deserve better, don't they? I know, I am so sorry, I do know how it feels to only want to end it all and get away from the pain at any cost. But if you want me to believe healing is possible for me, you have to believe it for you too. I know I once found healing from what I suffered growing up, but unfortunately I suffered a series of issues after that healing and have been set back. But I know it is sometimes possible. I'm not mitigating the tremendous suffering you experienced, I am just saying please hold on to hope that you can let go of the past and appreciate and enjoy a future or even a present at some point.
Sending lotsa love and big hugs your way...
If thinking positive things about yourself and recognizing some of the outstanding qualities we see in you is too hard, can you 1) list your accomplishments each day even things like taking a shower, changing your clothes, cooking dinner for the family, eating something, opening up in therapy, studying spanish...whatever you do give yourself credit for doing because it is sooooo hard with severe depression and PTSD. I think doing this drives us to sometimes accomplish more and feel good about what we've done...its a start to acknowledging something good about ourselves and feeling good about ourselves for something. 2) Can you list every day the things you are grateful for without feeling guilty about them, just somehow accepting them as a "gift" as if God is giving you somethings that are good to make up for what you have endured 3) Can you set some simple goals for yourself that might make you feel better about yourself, such as hugging the kids more, searching for anorexia support or going to group (either one I am CONFIDENT you will meet people that have similiar issues and will not view you as 'tainted' but like them and make a few friends in the long run...an extension of the peer support here...I heard that most anorexics suffered abuse, so I know you will find people who are in a similar place to work together on getting well)?
I am in a similiar position in that I have no real life close friends. But I also know that is my choice, my fault, in that I do not reach out because I fear rejection or being hurt/betrayed again. I know you have to put yourself out there to meet people and will get many no's before you get to yes, and I am just not prepared to do it. I suspect with you the problem is you are in too much pain to put yourself out there to start making friends. Where are you gunna meet people if you don't leave the house hardly and keep solely to yourself and are unwilling to risk rejections before you get to a 'yes'? I really think group is the best answer for you. You provide so much loving support here and everyone here loves you so much, I know you would find that in real life too if you went to group therapy. And you can always quit if you don't like it! You don't have to get into any issues you don't want to in a group, just what you want, and be supportive of others.
You feel tainted not because of who you are but how you were and are treated. And I am sure like me you have a hard time now standing up for yourself when you aren't treated right and demanding better. I am sorry your husband and psychiatrist don't notice the dramatic weight loss, but YOU DO, and only YOU can choose to do something about it.
As for ending your life, I just think of the trauma and guilt that would cause your kids. Just as I try to hang on so as not to hurt my mom, even if you don't feel their love, losing their mother to suicide would scar them for life. They deserve better, don't they? I know, I am so sorry, I do know how it feels to only want to end it all and get away from the pain at any cost. But if you want me to believe healing is possible for me, you have to believe it for you too. I know I once found healing from what I suffered growing up, but unfortunately I suffered a series of issues after that healing and have been set back. But I know it is sometimes possible. I'm not mitigating the tremendous suffering you experienced, I am just saying please hold on to hope that you can let go of the past and appreciate and enjoy a future or even a present at some point.
Sending lotsa love and big hugs your way...
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