my life

Members' personal profiles.

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katyn83
Posts: 16
Joined: Sun Mar 07, 2010 4:32 pm
Location: kent

my life

Postby katyn83 » Mon Mar 08, 2010 8:25 am

as im new on here i thought i'd let u all know a little bit about me so here goes - i'm katy i'm 12 days away from my 27th birthday. i was diagnosed with depression when i was 21 after i took an overdose, over the years i have had relapses. i put on a front as a bubbly outgoing person to hide the real me. my family dont understand me at all, my mum looks at me with a dissapointing look on her face, the rest of my family pretend everything is fine and that there is nothing wrong with me. i spend most of my time sitting in my room trying to find things to do. the last 8 or so months have been really hard for me. i had a great friend and supported him throught his break up which took my mind off my depression i unfortunately fell in love with him which was completely wrong as i knew his ex, he didn't care about that though so we started seeing each other which was also completely wrong and by doing so i lost most my friends. at the end of november i found out i was pregnant and we were both happy or so i thought, a week after finding out i was expecting he cheated on me with his ex and broke up with me via text. he was with her a week and decided that i was the one he wanted so because i loved him i took him back (its amazing what we do when we're in love) we spent christmas and new year together and things were great again or so i thought all through this time i knew the depression was there but ignored it and let it take over. on 20th january i was told that i had lost the baby in seconds my world came crashing down around me i told my boyfriend he was just as upset as me he came home from working away to be with me and then for the next 2 days he left me on my own to deal with our loss while he spent all the time home working on cars in the back garden. he was racing cars at the weekend and because i wanted to support him i went with him even though i was in pain both physically and emotionally. over the four days he was home we probally spent about 18 hours together. i was admitted to hospital a week after the miscarriage was discovered due to the amount of physical pain i was in, my treatment in the hospital was so awful i cried for the whole time i was there. i have only seen my so called boyfriend once since he left for work 6 weeks ago and he has apparently got a new girlfriend. i have not been able to go back to work since as my doctor feels i am not fit enough to go back so i feel even more isolated than i did before. none of the friends i had left have contacted which proves that they werent really my friends to start with. throughout all this time i have had thought it would be better if i was not alive atleast i'd stop hurting and thats all that i want i dont see a light at the end of the tunnel its just a big massive black hole that gets deeper as the days past.

sorry if it bored you but thats me

shatteredhopes
Posts: 664
Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
Location: U.S.

Postby shatteredhopes » Mon Mar 08, 2010 10:39 am

I know how much it can hurt when someone you love dumps you and quickly moves on as if you never even mattered or existed, as it happened to me too. :( But time makes it easier to manage. Yes, it is much harder when you are isolated and alone, that is for sure; I am too but this forum has been a wonderful outlet for me and I have made friends who understand and care, and I know you will too.

I am so sorry to hear about the miscarriage. It is a special sort of grieving, I know, as I have experienced that too. But as you know, that your boyfriend wasn't there for you and the two of you work through the grief process together, he wasn't worthy of you and in the long run, I hope you will start to feel as I do about my ex, that despite being very much alone, I am better off in the long run without him. That he cheated on you, and likely like my ex used me to avoid being alone while he was getting over his ex, may have used you. I don't mean to sound harsh or to upset you, I just hope you will learn to see that the goodbye was in effect a 'gift.' I suspect you are loyal and in love, so you wouldn't have left him even though he was doing wrong. So in time, maybe you will see in a way he did you a favor by leaving. You deserve so much better, and I am confident you will find it one day.

As for being isolated, can you spend any time with family members? Can you join a club, political group, house of worship, or whatever interests you...even though not up to doing much right now, if you can do a little activity for an hour or two a week to socialize and be around people it might help you meet people and make new friends and feel less alone.

As for why you why now...I ask that question many times...but someone said to me one time why not you? Life is simply unfair sometimes, and some people suffer so much, so seemingly senselessly...and all we can do is take charge of the little portion we are in charge of our destiny...there are so many other factors, but you are young, can you start to think of something you might like to do with your life? Go to college on-line? A dream you might have wanted to pursue but been afraid or doubted your ability? Can you use this time to focus on yourself?

Do you like to do anything creative for instance? Write, draw, paint, play music? That can be a helpful outlet. Also, I find little things can be very comforting, like a cup of cocoa or bubble bath perk me up a little, are there little things you can enjoy to nurture, treat, spoil yourself a little? Journaling or writing your feelings out may be helpful...

Are you seeing a therapist? Counseling might help you, especially as you grieve the loss of the pregnancy and your boyfriend.

While it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, we just can't always see it in our dark...try to maintain some hope if you can...that you will meet some new, true friends; find a mate; pursue a lifelong or new dream that fulfills you in a way nothing else can...

Welcome to the forum. People here have been so caring and kind to me, I honestly don't know how I would have coped without them...I hope you find it helpful to you too.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

katyn83
Posts: 16
Joined: Sun Mar 07, 2010 4:32 pm
Location: kent

Postby katyn83 » Mon Mar 08, 2010 11:31 am

thank you its nice to know i am not alone. i can spend time with my mum but i dont like to spend to much time with her as we clash and the rest of my family work. i have been trying to find social groups in my area but i have yet to find any. i have tried writing but i can never find the words, im have no artistic talents etc. i have my 1st therapy session on friday. there is a course i would love to go on but if i went for it i would have to give up my job as it is only avaliable to the unemployed and i would have to meet the college's citeria.

thank you again

katy


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