Trying Something New
Posted: Sun Feb 28, 2010 2:11 am
This is all very new to me (forums and blogs). I guess I should start off with a little background information about myself. I am a 35 year old male who has suffered with depression since a early age. It seems like every year it gets a tad bit worse and what is starting to scare me is I feel defeated for the first time. That being said I am not suicidal but do have thoughts from time to time. I had a very close friend who's son killed himself so I know what havoc that inflicts on those around you.
The depression really seamed to peek 5 years ago when my mother passed away. Although I was always independent I was very close with my mother. She had cancer and passed quickly but I never realized until after her passing how much I relied on her to talk. I am not good at expressing myself at all and she always knew how to handle me i guess. I have trust issues and that tends to keep me in confiding in friends or family.
I have been happily partnered for 2 years now and that aspect of my life is great. However me and him are a lot a like as far as depression goes and I am sure we feed off each other emotionally. I would love to find away to be able to talk to him and really express myself.
I have discovered that I do quite well talking about emotional issues online . I guess the fact that its anonymous I don't have to worry about someone using information to hurt me.
I have been thinking about my life a lot in the past 6 months and starting to learn to take some responsibility for what I have let depression do to me. I have lost great friends and have ruined my credit because I just did not care to pay bills and deal with anything. Although at the moment I am fine financially and am working towards correcting the problem I still get anxiety ridden every time I go to the mail box.
When I was younger I had so many plans for life. I had goals and dreams. Now I just feel like I am going through the motions. I would not take my life but I don't feel like I live life anymore. I don't find joy in much of anything and when I do it is fleeting. I want to change and have a "normal" life. Whatever that means. I guess I just want to be happy.
The depression really seamed to peek 5 years ago when my mother passed away. Although I was always independent I was very close with my mother. She had cancer and passed quickly but I never realized until after her passing how much I relied on her to talk. I am not good at expressing myself at all and she always knew how to handle me i guess. I have trust issues and that tends to keep me in confiding in friends or family.
I have been happily partnered for 2 years now and that aspect of my life is great. However me and him are a lot a like as far as depression goes and I am sure we feed off each other emotionally. I would love to find away to be able to talk to him and really express myself.
I have discovered that I do quite well talking about emotional issues online . I guess the fact that its anonymous I don't have to worry about someone using information to hurt me.
I have been thinking about my life a lot in the past 6 months and starting to learn to take some responsibility for what I have let depression do to me. I have lost great friends and have ruined my credit because I just did not care to pay bills and deal with anything. Although at the moment I am fine financially and am working towards correcting the problem I still get anxiety ridden every time I go to the mail box.
When I was younger I had so many plans for life. I had goals and dreams. Now I just feel like I am going through the motions. I would not take my life but I don't feel like I live life anymore. I don't find joy in much of anything and when I do it is fleeting. I want to change and have a "normal" life. Whatever that means. I guess I just want to be happy.