This is Me i Guess... ****may be triggering****

[Sara_pain]

my name is Sara....
i have a lot of sh*t in my life right now, and in my past....
it pretty much started out at when i was 16......
i met this great guy, his name was Jared....
i fell in love.... i loved him with everything i had, all of my heart, i was his....
i moved in with him when i turned 17....
things were perfect. i was with the one i loved, and i was so happy..
Jared started doing drugs like meth, coke, pretty much anything he could get his hands on...
I did these drugs with him at first...
At this time I had a job, i worked at a local clothing store and made pretty good money..
once i moved in with him, he quit his job, so i was the money maker....
we lived in a small house his parents bought him before they died (co2 poisoning)
the house was already paid for, we just had to pay the utility bills.
everything was great at first.. then about 6 months after i moved in with him, things got bad....
Jared had always had a bad temper and he got mad pretty easily...
i was doing the dishes one night (damn dishwasher was broken) i dropped a glass, and for some reason, that set him off... he freaked out on me and slapped me across the face... i didnt know what to think or what to do, so i locked myself in the spare bedroom and slept in there for the night... the next morning, he was still cranky.... i just tried to stay out of his way, but it seemed like he always had some excuse to slap me.... a few weeks went by, and i decided i was sick of being hit... i told him i was sick of it, packed my things, and walked out the door.
i was walking down the street looking for a bus stop (this was at about 9:30 ish pm)
when i felt something hit me, i was slammed to the ground, and blacked out... i woke up back in his house, tied to a chair..... he slapped me and started screaming at me that he was bigger than me, and he was better than me, and if i didnt want more pain, i wouldnt try to leave him again...
of course... later on, he untied me, and over the next few weeks, i fought back.. i wasnt going to let the man i loved slip away from because of some stupid drugs..
i tried so hard to get him to change, but it just ended up with him doing more damage to me...
after about a year of being in his house... i knew i was trapped... he had gotten more violent, hitting me with baseball bats, slamming me against the walls, throwing me down the stairs... breaking my bones, especially my ribs, but not allowing me to seek medical attention for the injuries... the bones eventually healed.... but not the right way...
one night, after being trapped with him for nearly five years, he was passed out on the floor from getting high.... i was getting dizzy because of my asthma... so i dialed 911.. and passed out...
i woke up in a hospital bed, and asked to talk to someone...
i told them everything about jared, and they called the cops...
jared came in to "visit" me one night, and the second he saw the cops, he jumped towards me and tried to grab my throat.... the police took him away. and put him in jail....
i found out that i needed surgery to realign my ribs because they had healed almost diagonally to the wrong side....
about a week after the surgery... i went to his trial... he was sentenced to 2 years in prison, or $200,000 bail... i went about my life after that, my cousin, who had always been a close friend, let me move in to her apartment with her, as i needed extra help after the surgery...
about 2 weeks later, i get a call from my lawyer saying jareds uncle had paid bail, and he was free
i freaked out and played it safe and hardly ever left the house... my cousin who i lived with, alexz, did the shopping and such...
let me say a few things about alexz....
she was a really good person... she had depression and harmed herself as a way to release things... i used to do that too.. but i stopped... and eventually got her to stop...
everything was great... i was doing better and alexz was doing better.... one night i sent her out to refill my inhaler and antidepressants.... she leaves for awhile, and then i get a phone call, alexz died in a car crash... i blamed myself of course, and still do....
her mom, mindy, came to stay with me for awhile...mindy was a great person, just like her daughter, and we grieved together...
while all of this had been going on... my mom turned on me for some unknown reason and started telling me i was worthless and everything was my fault.... it hurt... it really hurt...
eventually, mindy went back home, halfway across the country, a few days later, i get a call that my only sister, Kari, passed away during childbirth, and the baby was stillborn.....i did not have any way to fly down there, but the family came down to where i live to have Kari buried next to my great-grandfather....at the funeral.... my mom turned to me and screamed, this is all your fault, you were never ever there for your sister and now look what happened....
i went home and i went home and tried to avoid my mom.... then later on that week, mindy went home, back across the country..... i get a call from my dad a few days later, that mindy had died from double pnemonia.... i go through another death, more pain, and another funeral..... about a month later, im visiting my parents house... because my dad said he had a feeling he wasnt going to last very long...
guess who shows up... Jared....
my god i was so freaked out.... i couldnt move....
me and my dad talked, then i left.... the next night he had a heart attack and later died from complications.....
i go to my parents house to pick up some of my old things, and my mom comes flying out of the house... and threatens to shoot me if i set foot on her property... i explain that im just there to pick up a few things.. then decide its not worth it, and turn back to head towards the bus stop...
my mom decides that i was too close for comfort.. so she throws half a cinder block at me, thank god, it only hit my hand.... i leave, go to the hospital, and get treated..
me, devastated because i have now lost 5 family members in 2 months.... go into a depression, and drink myself to sleep every night for about 3 weeks....
i then go to the hospital because i noticed a strange bump on my leg.. they order a biopsy and they say they'll call me in 2-5 days...
i wait through those days, not really thinking about it a lot, until i get a call....
i have bone cancer.....
they tell me they need to to come back to the hospital as soon as i can for more tests.... i go in, and find out that the cancer has eaten away at most of my bone in my leg (the tibia)
i find out i have to get it amputated below the knee because its just too far gone...
whoop-dee-doo!!! more shit...
so i get the surgery, which was about 2 weeks ago.. and am now left with a stupid stump.....
i see a therapist regularly to help me deal with all the recent deaths.... i go in one day, (about 3 days ago) and it starts off as a normal session... he asks me how im doing and how ive been feeling.... then he leans in close and pulls out a gun.... he tells me that if i go to the police he will find me and kill me.... i try to pull away, but he twists my arm around backwards... and snaps my wrist... im pretty sure you can guess what he did... yep... he raped me...
i get home.. and call the cops.. they take me to the hospital where i get tests done and thank god... i didnt catch anything from him.... but the problem... they cant find the therapist... they search his house and his office, but they cant find him.. i get back home.. and stay up all night... checking the locks on the doors and windows all night.... the next day... he calls me from his cell phone and says he can see me, he starts to describe what im wearing and what im doing... i freak out, as anyone would.. and call 911.... they come and search for him.. after about an hour they catch him...
thank god.
***note this(meaning the therapist issue) was back on december 15th ish, but the below statement is still current
but now.. im sitting in my stupid house, paranoid as hell, wanting to die...... so yeah... im pretty sure this will scare anyone away from me... but oh well, im not worth it anyways... thanks for reading..

[xn728]

sara ,dear freind ,this is indeed a great deal of pain ,its 7.30 here in england ,im getting ready to go out just now ,,i would have liked more time to respond ,all i can say ,is you will find comfort on this forum ,,and
you will make many new freinds ,,kind words and understanding will come your way ,,and hopefully will give you a little lift ,it what has been
a terrible time for you ,,you have been very brave in shareing all this ,,,
and here you will find only understanding ,,,,,i can tell you without a doubt
you have not scared anyone away ,and i know ,you WILL find support here,dont feel alone my new freind im sorry for your pain i will be thinking of you as we all travel together on this road i know so well .welcome to this wonderful forum and all the dear freinds that live within .,,stay safe ,,hope to talk again soon
must go now .YOU ARE WORTH EVERYTHING AND MORE ,,reach out and we will catch your fall,,,,hugs xn728xxx

[aim]

Oh Sara... how terrible. Please know, and I'm sure you've been told this, that none of what has happened to you is your fault. The man you loved was obviously very ill... not only addicted to drugs, but depressed enough to kill himself.

Your therapist crossed a serious line and is also a sick individual. HE was wrong... you did nothing wrong at all. No matter what, he was supposed to be the professional. Not only that, he violated and hurt you and he does belong in jail. Well done for you on going to the police. Don't give up hope; they will catch that rat and he will pay for what he did. You did everything right.

And I'm so sorry about your cancer. I can say... I know it sounds trite, but please do remember that losing part of your leg is better than losing your life. I know, I know, you've heard that all before, I'm sure. I'm sorry... wish I had more words of wisdom for you.

((((Sara)))) I am sorry you are hurting, and thank you so much for trusting us with your story. Hang in there...

[Misty]

(((((Sara)))))
It is so good to have you join us in the forum. We've chatted in the room quite a few time and i felt your frustration. You had so much to say but not enough time to get it out. Well, here you do. I am so glad you are here that we may have more time to talk. You can PM here as well so what you want to keep private you can. I will check tomorrow and respond if you have any new posts. This is a great family here.

Take Care & Big Hug to you,
Misty

[Sara_pain]

thanks to all...

[Monty]

Wow Sara.

You must be an amazing woman to have been through all of what has happened to you in your life (actually it is more than enough for several lifetimes) and still hanging in there.

Keep coming back.

[Sara_pain]

i feel so alone right now......
i know theres other people with depression, and people who have gone through hard times....
but i feel completely alone.....
i feel like no one can help me, like nothing can ever make me happy again...
theres 3 ways i could get relief (my opinion, not tryin to make anyone upset)
drugs-done em before, i know the risks and all of that.
drinking-do it a lot, know the risks
use your imagination for the other one *hint*a long sleep

i just dont know what to do anymore... i feel so empty and numb...

[tinkerbelle]

((((((((((sara))))))))))

Hun, no words can express how very sorry I am for everything that you have gone through. Please know that NOTHING that has happened to you or to your friends/family is your fault. NONE of it at all.

I'm not sure why life has been so hard on you, but you have survived! Despite everything, you are still here. You have been saved for a reason, hun. One day you will know what that is--and it will be a good reason, a happy reason.

I've endured my share of hardships in my life, although in no way do they compare to yours. However, I do know that life goes on. I know that someday, somewhere, somehow, you WILL find peace and contentment. And regardless of how bad life has treated you, you can reach a point where those things are just memories--where they don't hurt so bad anymore.

I see you often in the chat rooms. You always seems so sad, and now I know why. I'm not sure what I can do to help you hun, but I'd like to help in any way that I can. You don't have to go through life alone or afraid.

If you'd like to chat more, please ask for my e-mail address the next time we "see" each other in chat. I'd be happy to hear anything you have to say. Venting helps.

Take care hun,

"tinkerbelle"

[Sara_pain]

[tinkerbelle]

*HUGS* Sara. Please don't blame yourself for what your mother did. You are torturing yourself over something that wasn't your fault--over something that you can't change. You can't take the blame for that hun! You just can't! I know that in the midst of depression and grief, it's so very difficult to rationalize what we are thinking and feeling, but you must at least try to look at things rationally. Try, hun! Rationally, you can't be blamed for her death--it was her fault, not yours. It may have not even been her own fault--it was probably due to her own mental illness. Either way, it was not your fault!

My mom died when she was forty-nine. She hadn't talked to me for a year before she died. She had a massive heart attack. Never made it to the hospital. I felt so horrible over the situation that I blamed myself. I felt that If I had been a better daughter and IF I had made her talk to me and IF I had let her walk all over me that it would have made her happy, less stressed, and therefore she'd still be alive.

I miscarried a baby the day after she died--seeming to me, at that time, like punishment from God. Like "you killed your Mom so I'm going t kill your baby." But that wasn't it at all. Things happen! And over the years, I've realized that we can not control or take the blame for what happens to other people, especially when they do it themelves.

So please, Sara, take some time to think things through. Don't unnecessarily take the fall for something that wasn't your fault. Regardless of what she had said to you, she clearly wasn't in her right mind anyway. Hurt people often try to hurt others in any way that they can.

*Hugs* Sara. I'm here if you need to talk.

"tinkerbelle"

[Monty]

Sara,

The decision to end her life, was your mother's choice. She might just have been so depressed that she could see no out. I learned that sometimes suicides don't think of those that they leave behind, they just want to end their pain. I hate to say this to you but exiting early is a very selfish act.

In the next breath I will tell you that I attempted suicide myself once. That was many, many years ago. My youngest was just barely school.
At that time the one thing that was drummed into my head, over and over, is that the children of those who commit suicide are many times over more likely to try to end their own lives.

I have been dealing with bipolar disorder for many years. I was diagnosed more than 20 years ago. When I decided to end my life I was at the end of my rope. Since then I have read many books on the subject.

For all the things that you listed in your last posts, you can be absolutely sure that none of them made her end her life.

In the book "The Noonday Demon" the author spends a chapter dealing on suicide, and why some people try. No one can really explain the act but he does give some reasons why.

Tinkerbelle is 100% corrrect. You couldn't have done anything to stop her.

Give yourself some peace tonight. Sleep well.

[Sara_pain]

just feel like nothings worth it anymore... just gonna end up sittin here for the rest of my life...

[Monty]

Sara,

If you believe in that sort of things I am hoping that stuff turns around for you.

Sounds like things are very rough for you right now.

Don't mean to sound wishy washy, but we all are in there rooting for you.

Please, don't give up.

[crystalgaze]

Hi Sara! I'm glad you were able to share.... It has been rough for you.... Jeez....

I will dare to hope that things will be more manageable/get better for you in the future....

[aim]

((((Sara))))) Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry for your pain. Please do keep telling yourself... This too shall pass.

I am a chronic fainter, and if you've never fainted before, please understand that it hurts like HELL! It's painful and scary and I used to just make it worse by panicking. Now I always say... It'll pass, over and over again, and it really does help me get through it.

I know that the minutes of fainting pain cannot compare to your pain, Sara, but I hope you do know that everything passes. Nothing lasts forever. No pain. No heartache. This WILL pass, Sara.