I guess I'll start at the beginning...

[crybaby1086]

I guess the thing to do is start at the beginning and go from there. I don't intend to write everything here all at once, instead I will add to it as I go along. As I said in my introduction I can rember as a small child just sitting and crying for no reason. There are definetly reasons for this although I didn't understand it at the time. I am an only child of a single parent. My father didn't want anything to do with me. I can only rember him coming to visit me four times as a child (he only live 15-20 mins away). As a result I have huge issues trusting men in general. I wonder why I wasn't good enough for him. I certainly couldn't have done anything wrong. I was a baby. There is more to this but I have to get my thoughts in order before I write the rest. (I find it very hard to focus and my thoughts often get ahead of me)

[lisalou]

you are definitely right in saying that it was not your fault, could it be that your dad still had a lot of issues with your mum and was reluctant to come to your house or communicate with her to arrange taking you out? i wish he had been able to get over that for your sake though. everyone needs a daddy. hope that we here on this forum can help fill in the holes in your family and in your life. i was very similar to you, i am an only child and also remember getting depressed from a very young age,trying to drown myself,staring up at the clouds and feeling bleak,crying at the top of the stairs,being unable to sleep and making myself sick (the beginning of a long long history of eating disorders)It's a shame that we both lost so much of our childhood

[xn728]

i wont say to much crybaby 1086 because im a man and i dont want to
trigger you ,just take your time ,and share when your ready ,so many nice people on here ,its warm ,and fear nothing ,,,,,,xn728

[crybaby1086]

I'm not really sure what the issue was/is with my father. I can say that I don't give a d**n, but that is not being honest. It has left a wide gap in my life. A couple of years ago my aunt (my father sister) called my mom or they ran into each other I'm not sure how it happed. But she said my father was off work due to depression. My mom made me go see him a couple of times but in the end and to this day I am angry about that. I mean he abandonded me! Not the other way around. His issues are not mine. And what right does he have to seek comfort in my presents? Or seek my forgiveness for that matter, especially since he has not even offered an appology. I guess you will be able to tell by now that I also have a lot of anger. I do have a short temper (it is getting better though) and I am very easy to upset. I will pretty much cry if you say boo to me.

[crystalgaze]

Hi there....

There is 1 thing that stands out for me & that's where you say your dad was depressed... & now you are as well, I guess? Maybe there's a connection there?

(I'm not saying it as an excuse... It's just something to think about maybe.)

Take care of yourself...!

[Monty]

I have been suffering from depression for quite a few years.

I am not totally sure whether I would have had kids. They have been the total joy in my life. I have said before that my daughter and I sign off notes LYMTLI abbreviation for Love you more than life itself.

I didn't realize it then but I now understand that there is a definite possibility of having a genetic pre-disposition to depression. THat may be contributing to the depression that you have felt over the years. Also mine because my mother has suffered from depression for as long as I can remember.

Mind you I suppose that there is a 50/50 chance that I won't pass it on.

It is true that I love my kids very much and in spite of all that they had to endure with me when children, they still call, hug me when they see me (both hello and goodbye and sometimes just for the heck of it). They are both well into adulthood. For a part of my life I know that they were the only reason that I held on.

I plan to live a long life, so if they need help, I will be there for them.

[lisalou]

it sounds like you have been a wonderful parent monty and i think that is a testimony to how strong and good a person you are. i always have the deepest respect for everyone who manages to raise children throughout depression and it sounds like you have a great relationship with your kids

lisa xx

[crybaby1086]

Haven't been able to add to this lately. I just feel totally drained. I don't think I've felt anything but exaustion for the past couple of days. Hopefully I will be able to continue on with my story soon.

[Monty]

Look forward to you sharing more of your story with us.

Hope all is well.

[crybaby1086]

Hi Everyone, I'm still here. Reading everyone's posts. I am just feeling really low and not up to writing.

[xn728]

hey your ok well be here ,differant time zones but we will pop in and out
when you feel up to it ,just because your not posting dos,ent mean we have forgotten you ,,,,,,,,,,,xn728 ken