I feel addicted to attention
Posted: Sat Apr 16, 2022 11:48 pm
Hi , this is my first time here . So to begin with , i have a lot of issues with self hating and critizing , but i got so used to it and now i just accepted that i have no importance . I'm just in a constant phase of sadness and it became usual for me . But now I'm here writing because , recently i met a dude and now i crave his attention so much . We go to same University and i met him in a program of interaction between seniors and juniors , he's my senior by the way , after the program ended he approached me saying I'm fun and fine looking and we started talking . I started liking his personality and his way of thinking . He made my days so lively that i talked to him a lot when in turn I'm a big introvert . I just liked talking to him but had no intentions for having something serious with him , neither did he . But we clicked so well and we had sexual tension between us , so we both tried getting intimate without dating . It was consensual , i didn't want a relation personally . We didn't go all the way but we went out and got a bit physical . I liked it and he did as well . He was a gentleman and didn't force me with anything .After that day i observed that it's always me the one texting first , so i was a bit scared that maybe I'm annoying when he's busy with something so i didn't text and waited for him to text me when he's free ,but for 2 days we didn't talk and i couldn't bare it and i texted him . I was so sad and upset and i wrote a poem to express my sadness to him . He thought I'm in love with him and started avoiding me i guess .i don't love him that way though , he's just the one to whom i was able to speak anything without being judged . But he said we shouldn't talk too much or else someone will catch feelings . I just like talking to him so much and am always looking forward to it . Then i realised how much i get addicted to little attention and now i pity myself. I keep wondering if he doesn't enjoy our conversation like i do , so i stopped texting him .I wonder if he's just into me for the sexual pleasure and don't enjoy talking to me . Now I'm trying to hard not to text him but i couldn't focus on anything else . I'm mad at myself for letting him affect me this much . I don't want him to love me, he's just someone who seemed to be genuinely interested to know about me and become my friend , but now why does he act ao unbothered after making me feel I'm special . He said he also has a lot to talk to me but scared I'll fall for him so he's keeping his distance .I keep reassuring him that it won't happen , but still he doesn't believe it .Now i feel ignored and that he is avoiding me . I can't even say he used me because we didn't do much , it just feels like he's bored with me . It's always this way , the enthusiasm i show towards people is always one sided , I'm tired with liking people who don't even bother about me .