Before anything else, I want to say that i Have ADHD so I'm not that good with putting my feelings into words.
A few things about me
(but i dont think it matters tbh)
I am a 5'3 Female
Im a September Virgo
I am the oldest out of 4 girls
I've noticed that this entire thing started when i was 9 (6th grade). I am usually the kid who likes to befriend the teacher to get grades because I wouldn't be able to get them any way else, I am very good with talking up front, group activities (as long as I am the leader) and Performances but I am absolutely horrible with Written works.
6th grade I managed to get 2nd to the highest grade in our class which is Probably because I was our English teacher's favorite (She was also our Homeroom teacher)
Come 7th grade my entire life went down hill.
I've always been in the 2nd section because I couldn't stand being in the 1st section so despite my grades being really high, I would beg the head teachers to not put me in Section 1. Well for 7th grade that wasn't the case, it was a new school and that means new teachers, Long story short I was Forced to be in the 1st Section.
I absolutely despised it.
Some of my Classmates were nice (By "Some" I mean 2 out of my 46 classmates) which wasn't a big deal for me since I'm not good with keeping friendships.
I basically lost all interest in learning (Except for Science, English and Math, I loved the teachers that taught those subjects)
My mindset was like "Okay, if my grades are not high, the teachers will put me a section lower next school year" and I mean it did work, i was put in the second section for 8th and 9th grade.
I guess i kinda manifested my life turning into a mess huh? My grades started dropping and Online school really isn't helping.
I can only learn when the teacher is right in front of me and when i can actually Interact/Participate in class.
My grades really said "From the top, make it drop" because My ADHD got even worse during quarantine and I can't even take medication since adderall and other medication for adhd are illegal in my country so I can't buy them (I forgot to mention that I haven't told my parents about my adhd, I've been going to online therapists and psychologists using my own money because I dont want to worry them) FUN RIGHT! /s
Im missing half of all my requirements in all subjects (excluding English bc i fawking love that subject and the teacher)
I'm failing and the thing is, I'm not even bothered by it anymore.
I mean, I don't want kids, I don't want a family, I don't have a "Dream profession" not do I want to have a job, I dont like luxurious things i also don't like traveling.
Everything I'm doing right now is Useless since I'm gonna end up dæd even before I reach college, and even if I don't unalive myself by then what am I supposed to do? Live till in 40 doing pilates and yoga? Thats boring af.
I want to end it now as to not waste my family's time trying to feed me or give me shelter, I also want to end it so i dont make myself suffer anymore.
Im gonna end up dæd anyways right? Why prolong the misery when I can off myself right now?
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Hey, I am sorry to hear this. I hope you find something great in life that inspires you to continue to live on.
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