ECT was the last resort

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Monty
Posts: 830
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:44 pm
Location: Canada

ECT was the last resort

Postby Monty » Fri Feb 27, 2009 2:29 pm

I joined this group a while ago, left for a bit, and now and very glad that I have returned. I have been posting some since about the middle of the month and decided that it was finally time to tell a bit of my story. I am always willing to listen to others, but somewhat reluctant to tell my own. It seems like the right time, I had better do it now because the feeling will probably soon pass.

I have been ill for a long time. I was having trouble sleeping many years ago. Went to the doctor and, of course, got a prescription for sleeping meds. The doctor wisely told me that probably just handing out meds to me would not be enough. Suggested that I go see a psychologist to see if she could figure out what the root problem of the sleep issue was.

That was way back in 1988. I would bore you terribly if I went on and on about the things that have happened in my life since then.

Diagnosed as bipolarII,OCD,PTSD and another one, that I can never remember. Unfortunately, for my children, you little ones were truly little at the start. I must give them a huge amount of credit because they have turned out into decent human beings. I think that they know that I was ill, but I always tried to do the most that I could for them. They are both very loving towards me, for which I am truly grateful. I took them to hell and back, many times.

I was a rapid-cycler. A very rapid-cycler. My depression and mania could both come upon me in the course of a week. I really have no idea how my family was able to put up with me.

Like I said earlier, I was very sick for very long periods at a time. But still my core family didn't desert me. Finally with a marriage breakup and an aging parent I had to leave the small town that I was living in and move to a larger center, which had been my childhood home.

In 2007 I guess that I got to the point that some very good friends decided that they had to intervene. I gather that I was sort of their shadow for a period of time. I went to work with them, ate with them, and they were gracious enough to let me sleep at their homes.

I say that I guess I got to the point, because I became so ill the ECT was performed. I actually don't think that I made the decision to have the procedure was a decision of mine. I am not sure, all I know is that somewhere in the area of September or October 2007 I had 7 ECT treatments.

For the uninitiated ECT is electro-convulsive therapy, primitively known as shock therapy.

It had been suggested to me several times over the years but I had always deferred, I didn't want to wake up and not know my children's names. Also with the way that ECT has been portrayed in the movies, it is a pretty scary thing to undertake.

I got to the end of the road with medications, so I gather that the ECT was the last resort. It is definately NOT the procedure that is shown in movies. It is a refined, humane process. I was given a mild anesthetic, a little oxygen, and then given a controlled electrical impulse. I have since read that it doesn't last too long, and there is not the strapping down, thrashing about behavior that we see in movies like "Girl Interrupted".

I don't have too many negative things about it because I realize that if I hadn't had it done, that I probably wouldn't be on this planet now. For 75% of those that get it done, it works. I have a friend that it didn't work and I will always have some feeling of guilt in me when I look at her and her desperation.

I don't know how long it will last. It has forever changed my life. In previous posts to other threads I have said that it gave me a second chance on life, and that I will not waste it.

People who have known me for close to 30 years say that they never heard me laugh before. I no longer sit in the corner and let life pass me by. I have more self-confidence and find that I am able to actually partake and in some case initiate conversations with people. For me it is a 180 degree turn. I can't possibly put into words what it is like to feel joy, happiness, love, friendship. All the things that were deadened for so many years by the meds. Of course there are emotions that are seen as not as positive as the joy. The anger is one that I have the most problem with. I was also told to keep that one inside, since I was a child it was discouraged. As a result I now know that unresolved anger will, most likely, result in resentment. That one I am making real progress with, but there is a way to go.

I know that I have sung the praises of ECT. I have also said that there are some drawbacks. for me the memory one is a major obstacle. I used to be so good at remembering things but now a lot of the short-term stuff is a little fuzzy. I am grateful though, that my experiences of 2007 seemed to shelved away somewhere. From what some people have told me, I need to be grateful for that because I was in a very sad place.

Didn't intend on going on this long.

I will always keep in mind that there are 75% that it works for
That means that 25%, where ECT is usually one of the last resorts, it doesn't work.
Must admit sometimes the looks in the eyes of those 25% haunts me.

I will make sure I don't screw up my second chance at life.

Monty
Posts: 830
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:44 pm
Location: Canada

Postby Monty » Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:09 pm

Just a quick note.

I had written my long missive, the previous message on my computer at home. When I was trying to send it the darn computer locked.

I was going to the library anyway so decided to sit down at one of their computers and check and see if it went through. Glad I don't have to go through all of that again.

Bad for you because I would probably have shortened it up.

I find the email approach to talking about my difficulties much easier than talking to people in person. Figure that with doing it on the computer at least everyone has the chance to either scroll down, or in the case of regular email, just push that delete button.

I was a keypunch operator in a previous life, so those I keep in contact with turn out to be victims of someone who can type reasonably fast. Must admit that I sometimes have trouble grasping onto the thought, that whatever comes to mind isn't necessarily supposed to come out of the mouth, or onto the keyboard.

Monty
Posts: 830
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:44 pm
Location: Canada

Postby Monty » Fri Mar 20, 2009 6:07 pm

The ECT thing has been very daunting.

Most often when I mention that I had ECT, you can almost see the wheels in their brains moving, fast-forwarding in their minds to the old movies where you see the person, strapped to the gurney, convulsing.

It is much more humane than that now. You get sedatives, and the electricity that they give you is carefully measured, and you are carefully monitored.

Like I said earlier, I am fortunate that, for me, it worked.

The only reason that I wrote about it is that the ECT procedure did change my life.

I don't know if I had been able to make decisions on my own, whether I would have gone through with it because when it was suggested, a few times earlier, I balked.

I did. It worked. If a health care professional suggests it, don't just dismiss it offhand, look into it for yourself.

Aurelia5
Posts: 237
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 1:35 am

ECT

Postby Aurelia5 » Thu Apr 30, 2009 4:08 pm

Monty -
That is just fascinating about the ect. I am at the end of my chain of antidepressants and was thinking of ect. The only thing I was really worried about was the memory, like you said. You're the first person I've talked to who's had it.
Did your memory get better?
Did you forget a lot, like Alzheimers?
What exactly did you forget? Or don't you remember? HA! Just kidding.
Were there any other side effects?
What exactly did you feel like after the treatments?
How long do they last?
Have you ever had to write back to such a pest?

I have a very bad memory, mostly from the benzodiazapines - Xanax, and probably all the oxycodone -60mg a day, anyway I want to take it, and both my mother, and my fathers' mother died of Alzheimers. I'm a little worried. But there's no way I can stop those two drugs.

I was writing a really good message to you yesterday about this, and I went to another location or another site or something for a few minutes and when I came back, my draft was lost. This happens to me a lot. Do you know what I did wrong and whether I can get that message back?
Made me mad. :evil: :evil: :evil: I wrote to the moderators, but haven't heard back.

That Aim is nice, isn't she?

Monty
Posts: 830
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:44 pm
Location: Canada

Postby Monty » Thu Apr 30, 2009 6:10 pm

Just sent a message to you about the ECT.

Like you, I lost it in cyberspace. It was really a long, boring thing. This one I will try to be a little more concise, and answer your questions.

First of all, thanks for the last posting you did asking questions. It is a really personal part of my life, but have been willing to share it because I know that there is a lot of bad publicity about it. Want to clear up some of the misconceptions.

Before I start. I had some really good friends that helped me out immensely. It is a running joke, every often I tell them that I will never forget how much I appreciate what they did for me. Judy's reply is always "You already have".

Both my short-term and long-term memory have been affected. I have been doing a lot of reading and that seems to have helped the thing along.

It used to be that I had trouble reading a book. I had always read, a lot. I couldn't read a book because when I turned over to page two, I had already forgotten page 1. Then I decided to start small, with magazines. I kept with it and now have gotten back into the groove of one of my favorite activities, reading voraciously.

They say that the memory should come back in six months. For me it was more like, a little bit over a year. Found that intensely frustrating. Also the butt of a lot of jokes. Took them in good fun though so didn't get under my skin. Also they were mande by people that I know love me, they weren't trying to be mean.

I still can't remember (or only a few snatches come, now and then) about a 4 month period of time. But as I have said in earlier posts, I think that may be a blessing. I was pretty ill.

I live with an aging parent who is deteriorating quickly, her memory being one of them. I don't feel like that because I know that my memory will only get better. I can now remember names and people, for the most part. I have gotten to the point that I am not embarrassed about asking people their names, over and over. I am also not embarrassed about tellling people why. It seems better to not feel like I am trying to hide something. I was ill, this was the prescribed treatment for me.

I must admit, that now I sometimes "conventiently forget" things now.

One of my side affect of the whole experience, and I think it is not all to do with the ECT. I lost a lot of weight, like 12 pounds in one week. I am overweight so I could afford to lose it, but I wouldn' suggest if for a weight loss program.

I can't tell you how I felt immediately after the treatments but I can tell you how I feel about it now.

It truly changed my life. I will not screw up this second chance that I have at life. I now laugh, cry, get angry, get very happy. It is like I became a child, trying to cope with all of the emotions again. The good ones and the bad ones.

People are a lot more understanding when it is a 5 year old coping with this kind of stuff, rather than someone who is 50.

I suppose the bottom line is, it worked for me. I am part of the 75% that the treatments work for. I can't say often enough, that it gave me a second chance at life. I am so different from what I was for the first 50 years of my life. Much more outgoing and confident (sometimes that one slips a ways, but I seem to have be able to get it back). I actually can be a part of a group.

One thing that I should mention, and was mentioned to me by my pdoc. I was a certain way all my life, very submissive and now I am more likely to stand up for myself. Some of the people that knew the old Monty, don't like the new one. I am more outspoken, but I think that is because I am feeling things on so much of a deeper level.

Well I will send this one off and hopefully I won't get anymore practice at typing.

Don't ever feel like you are a pest at this site, especially with me.

My life is not a total open book, though it is easier to share things with people, when you can't see their faces on how they are reacting to what you say. But (I was told to never start a sentence with but, s****w that rule) I am already ready to post back to people.

Yes, I do have people in my life that I can depend on, but I do enjoy being able to sit at a keyboard and just let my feelings out. This is a safe site for this.

Hang in there

Aurelia5
Posts: 237
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 1:35 am

ECT

Postby Aurelia5 » Fri May 01, 2009 4:20 pm

Hi Monty-
I lost another post. There's got to be a way you can go look at something else while you're writing a reply.

MODERATORS! Please help with above problem.

You shouldn't think your posts are too long or boring. They're not. At all. The more info, the better. Plus you write well and use puntuation and good form. Some of those chat rooms seem to be comprised of 10 or 15 teenage morons. Never a sentence over 10 words, full of sloppy writing, and no content. But hey, that's what being 13 is all about.

That rule about starting a sentence with 'but' is only for English class essays. When you want to say somethin, you should write in whatever manner gets it out the best.

That part about you becoming more assertive is really interesting to me. All my life up until about the late 20s I was very quiet and shy too. Then somehow, some way, I was incouraged to be more assertive and I seem to have gone overboard with it. Now I spend a lot of time trying to get my foot out of my mouth. Or sometimes both of them. (Isn't that a great mental picture?) I say the worst things at the worst times and don't even think first, or if I do think, I think it's going to be ok, and then the person I'm talking to acts like I've got three eyes or somethiing and moves away carefully. I seem to have turned into a walking verbal disaster.
Do you suppose ECT would make that worse, or is it more like it could go any direction?

I'm glad I wasn't the only person that can't remember page 1 when turning to page 2. Unless what I'm reading is riveting, I can't remember any of what I read the night before. Or 10 minutes before, for that matter. Have to start over. But one thing I learned in one of my psych classes is that you will forget the 20 minutes of what you are reading right before you fall asleep. So count on having to re-read that. My trouble is a wandering mind. If you've read my converstion with (oh hell, now I want to go back a page to get a name right and I know if I do I'll lose this post) xr728, you'll know I have this other part of me called my Mind. There is Me and there is my Mind. My Mind does what it wants and I run around trying to clean up afterward. So now my Mind wanders endlessly, and I have a whole pile of things and conversations going on in my head all the time and it's really hard to read. It's like being in a room with a radio, tv, stereo going at the same time, and a couple different conversation going too. Then add a really short attention span. I like these forums because I can look at what both of us have said and get back to the point. Which is what I need to do now. What was I talking about?

Anyway, do you know whether that happens to other people who ect worked for? Do you know any other people that had it? I saw on tv one time a thing about a lady who was just horrendously depressed and she had the therapy. It wiped her memory clean. She came out and didn't know her husband or kids. (She was thrilled to find out she had such a nice family) I'm afraid of that happening to me.
And the part about being different enough that some people didn't like the 'New You'. That was disconcerting too. I'm already on the edge, walking around with one of my feet in my mouth. Any more assertive and people will run away screaming like they do when Godzilla shows up. I even have trouble remembering the beginning of sentences. Have to read everything at least twice.

I will be a good little luddite and search around on the internet for more info about ect. You have given me a good start. And I'm really, really happy it worked for you.

A.

Monty
Posts: 830
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:44 pm
Location: Canada

Postby Monty » Fri May 01, 2009 6:22 pm

Thanks Aurelia for your kind comments. Partly because of the way my life went, for too many years, I developed this irritating "skill", of talking in circles. I am glad that what I posted earlier, made sense.

ECT is not a perfect science. It works in about 75% of cases, that means for 25% there is no change. Unfortunately I sat beside someone in church, who it didn't work for. When I go to bed at night, I sometimes see the look of desperation in her eyes. Laura was a member of the, ECT is the last hope, club. I don't see her often anymore. I know I have no reason to feel guilty, but I do.

It is a challenge for me also, to follow just what the post is that I am answering. Heaven forbid if the thread goes on for more than 4 posts. I spend more time scrolling, that writing.

I suppose the degree of memory loss would be different in each individual case. Mine I had refused it before because I was afraid of the memory loss. If I hadn't gone through with the treatments (I had 6, over a period of 3 weeks, I think) I would have lost more than my memory. I probably wouldn't be typing this out now.

It is a great idea to google or whatever the internet and see what you can find out. I'd recommend not just the sites where you get the clinical stuff that happens, find some where you get the actual experiences of those that have gone through it. Sometimes clinicians, well they get just get too clinical.

I live in a very small city, and other than Laura, I haven't met anyone else personally, who has gone through the procedure. That is why I think that the internet idea is great, you have so many more people to reach out to.

I was very passive before the ECT,except with the people that I knew, or at least thought (case in point, my kid's dad) would stay with me. Otherwise I was spineless. Now I am more likely to say what is on my mind. Unfortunately that editor that was in my brain, which was on too much before, has gone way too far the other way.

I am fortunate that I have a few people in my life, who are very patient, and let me prattle on. Of course not all people take me that kindly. I suppose we are all different, aren't we. I am grateful though for the few that let me go on, and on, and on.

Better sign off for now.

Hope that things are going well.

Glad you found this forum. I am enjoying getting to know you.

Aurelia5
Posts: 237
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 1:35 am

End of thread

Postby Aurelia5 » Fri May 01, 2009 6:37 pm

Yes, this was getting a bit long. I'll end it now too and we'll hook up again somwhere else. I get confused with all the different catagories; I'd like to just stay in one place. But, I'll get used to it.

Thanks and see you in a new topic.


A.

Mich
Posts: 869
Joined: Fri Sep 18, 2009 6:44 am
Location: Canada

Postby Mich » Fri Sep 18, 2009 8:56 am

Monty - thanks for posting your thoughts on ECT. I am just about at the end of my rope with meds and your post has given me the courage to explore the ECT option. All I know is I can't continue like this. I also appreciate you sharing your story. It takes courage to do that and I hope it has made you feel good to share it. Take good care. PS - I just joined the forum today and look forward to reading other posts from you.

Monty
Posts: 830
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:44 pm
Location: Canada

Postby Monty » Fri Sep 18, 2009 11:48 am

Mich,

Glad that my posting on my experience with ECT was helpful for you.

There was so much "bad press" about how it was done it the 50's. It looked like a really scary thing.

For me it did work. They don't know for how long, it could be forever or I might need a tune-up next week (mind you being in Canada with our health care system I would be looking at months long waitAnother rant for another day)

It was a final option for me also. I had fought it for many years but the meds didn't work, and I started to talk of suicide.

Part of my point was that the ECT route is not one to be dismissed right away. It is a controlled procedure that last for a very short period of time.

It is a very individual decision to be made between the patient and their medical professionals.

Knowledge is a key weapon when we are looking at a lot of things. I think
that it is great that you are researching it.

Like I said I know that it doesn't work for everyone but it worked for me.

Take good care of yourself

shatteredhopes
Posts: 664
Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
Location: U.S.

ECT

Postby shatteredhopes » Fri Oct 30, 2009 11:02 am

((Monty)) Thank you for talking about your ECT experience. When I went through ECT, I was hospitalized and they took me to a nearby hospital regularly for treatment and yes they gave anesthesia so I didn't feel a thing. While going through it, probably as a side effect of the medication, I was sleepy all the time and had a few short term memory problems BUT NO LONG TERM side effects on my memory that I'm aware of.

Unfortunately, it didn't help me. One problem may have been that I am an alcoholic and was going through re-hab at the same time "dual diagnosis"...which I didn't get the full benefits of given how much I slept and how sort-of "out of it" I was...although I stayed sober a while after treatment, I drank again, and I didn't get truly sober til years later. But also my depression has been treatment resistant. Therapy is generally what has helped me most, being able to talk about the situations that compound my depression and feelings.

I'm in a situation now where I can't afford therapy, but have appreciated the opportunity to get peer to peer support on this site. Writing/letting it out helps, and people who care and understand. For instance, I love my mom dearly but she says things like "You could get well if you wanted to." That hurts.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your ECT experience. I do know someone personally it worked very well for, no longer needed meds, and got "cured"... so its worth looking into for some who haven't found relief through other options. Thank you for taking the fears away from folks, because you are right, it is not like the old barbaric days.

So glad it helped you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monty
Posts: 830
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:44 pm
Location: Canada

Postby Monty » Tue Nov 03, 2009 3:22 pm

Hi,

I always feel so sorry for those that the ECT didn't work for. I know that I was darn lucky that it worked for me. I had to stay in hospital for about 3 weeks (at least that is what they tell me). They don't do it on an out-patient status here.

I was on quite a regime of drugs, before the ECT. They still have me on many drugs, but they are a few less than before. I think that I am a litle more with it because of the cutback on the drug.

For me I need the drugs and therapy both. I can't do without the both of them. Our healthcare system is very overburdened and there are just not enough psychologists or pdocs to serve all those who need it, who are in also in difficult straits moneywise.

I also find it very helpful to have the peer support from here. It gives me a chance to sit down, type and just let my thoughts go.


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