Hard to be myself.
Posted: Sun Jun 16, 2019 10:28 pm
medically, I can say i started having depression and anxiety when i started middle school and my 6 year straight of being bullied began, But to tell the truth it might have actually started when i was real little due to how I was raised. you see I am an only child, my parents tried to give me siblings, but it just wasn't meant to be. my whole life i was told my parents how well behaved i was, never really acted out or anything, but i think i did that for a reason i didn't want my parents to be disappointed in me. So in order to make them happy I did whatever I could, even if i didn't really want to, in order to make them proud. I thought telling them i was being bullied would make them disappointed so I kept my mouth shut and just put up with it. So in middle school when my bulling got really bad I just put a fake smile on face every time i would come home. Say i had a "great day" and let it be that, but when i went to school I was in hell. I thought when my parents let me go to a public high school i would be able to get over my dark feelings but all it did was go dormant, until i start my bad string of horrible boyfriends. what you could consider sweet is my Husband was my high school sweetheart, for a little bit. he was my actual first boyfriend but we were both stubborn and one big fight had not talking to each other for what would almost 7 years....during that time him and I both went though some bad relationships. One in particular for me was the guy i dated shortly after....he was hell. every day it was an emotional abuse roll a coaster, and even after he dumped for a chick he was cheating on me with i was still his target when he would get mad. All the emotional abuse put me in a bad place with my depression and anxiety. to the point I couldn't trust anyone, i was in a constant state of anxiety thinking who was going hurt me next. So it was expected that when i got back together with my husband my walls would be up. Now after saying "I do" my walls came down for quite awhile. but then after the birth our son things took a turn, he cheated on me. which made my trust in him plummet. now recently he has turned a eye to my condition. everyday i feel like i am walking on egg shells to make him happy. every time i have an episode he will either say he is going through something worse or shrug it off like i am doing it on purpose....now every time he goes to work i simply put the my boys to bed then hide in my room and cry myself to sleep i don't know who i can trust and i don't know who i can talk to about my symptoms that won't think they nothing....i want my husband to understand but he just refuses to try.... I can't talk to him anymore now it gets to the point if i bring something up he will turn it on me and make me feel guilty....I feel hopeless again....