Depression Understood Forums

Me, Me, Me.

In a nutshell:
On the outside:
-bubbly
-outgoing
-university senior
-athletic
-wonderbread white girl


Just want you guys to know:
Even though someone's life seems perfect does not mean it is. I have it really good, I know I do. But I have pressure to be a certain person all the time. The one I said above. I'm not that person anymore. And I can't tell anyone because they would think I'm a loon. I don't want to be that person. I want to be myself.


In reality:
-geeky
-thoughtful
-quiet
-cute
-witty

-depressed


I am sick of being someone I'm not in real life. I can be myself here and I am accepted and loved


Peace be with you,

Jenna1234

Hey Jenna. That's wonderful that you have a place where you feel safe enough to be yourself! I think we all feel the need to put a show on for others in our, "real," life - me as well. Although, as I get older, I'm beginning to realize that it's ok to be myself. Be exactly who I am and make no apologies for it.

Try to be exactly who you are, Jenna, see what happens. Besides... all of those things you mentioned that personify the real Jenna don't sound too bad! Let others in... they might just surprise you.

Aim, thanks for the reply.

I think what I'm trying to say is: I come from a city of 80,000. Everyone I see every day I went to highschool with, or know from sports. Most people at my university know me as 'the girl who...'

I have partied with tons of people here, and gotten into some trouble. I have made a name for myself as someone I used to be. It can be really difficult and frustrating to break this mold I have created for myself. There is a lot of pressure from people I knew to be the person I was. To go out and party, to drink a lot, say hi to everyone, to care about people I don't like, to say 'good' when they ask 'How are you?' I have realized that life is too short for superficial relationships and fake smiles. I want something real.

I don't want to be that person anymore. I want my own space and my own stomping grounds. I want the opportunity to be someone else without people wondering.. 'Why is she acting so strange lately..?' And I want people to understand me and accept me for who I am, rather than questioning my 'new' behavior and thinking I've changed. I haven't changed, simply grown out of my childish behavior, grown into someone mature and reserved. I woke up and decided that I'm too great of a person to be acting like a brat all the time. And I'm sick of this cycle that people get stuck in, going through the motions. I'm stuck in it.

I guess I just wanted to express that the 'real' people in my life aren't ones that I see every day. They are the ones who ask 'How are you?' and genuinely care, and won't flinch when I tell them the truth. And won't think I'm crazy for speaking my mind....

I'm starting to ramble. But thank you for replying to my posts, Aim. It's nice seeing you in chat every once and a while you are a kind soul.

Peace be with you,
Jenna1234

Thanks for the kind words, Jenna. I do truly understand and sympathize with what you're saying. I have found, through the years, that we have very few real friends, but many people that we socialize with - acquaintances, actually.

I will also say that I went through a party stage myself! While in college, I was quite a wild girl, and have since grown up. In fact, people in my life now can hardly believe when I tell them my college escapades - drinking waaaay too much, dancing on bars, and things like that. It was fun while it lasted, but I wouldn't ever want to go back to living like that.

I think that the fact is, we all grow and change. We all become an adult at some point - except for that small minority of people who seem to stay children forever - and this growth and change are good things.

You seem like a very smart girl who is coming into her own, and that's amazingly wonderful. No regrets, Jenna. I also come from a small city where everyone knows everyone, but you will be surprised by how many people make the change with you.

You're a great gal... never forget that.