Giving this a shot...
Posted: Sun Jul 09, 2017 9:54 pm
I have posted in places like this before and would get a thousand views and zero responses...hoping that doesn't happen here. Anyway, there is something cathartic about just typing your heart and head, so I am going to do this regardless of replies. Bottom line, I know that I am a nameless, faceless digital entity out in Internet land and nobody knows me nor do they really give a shit. I have no delusions about this. I'm depressed, not nuts.
I am a 50 year old male. I have been married for 25 years. I have two sons, both grown. One lives with me - a college drop out, the other is married and lives a few miles from me. My mother is still alive, but is in her late 70s and is in very poor health...and is beyond depressed. My brother passed away last year, which of course ties into much of my mother's mood, but she was a wet blanket long before he passed. My father is dead. I have no other relatives. I have a really bad relationship with my brother's wife and kids, so after his passing that severed that for good. My kids hardly give me the time a day. I hardly ever see either of them. I have expressed my desire to see them more and they just blow it off. My oldest son actually told me he spends his free time fishing and well, too bad. My wife, who I supported for 20 years while she was a house wife (her choice, not mine) started working and I hardly ever see her now either. She works late every day, comes home tired, eats and gets ready for bed. Her bed is in our basement. About 5 years ago she moved into her own room (her choice). Her reason at the time was that I snore. Our sex life is all but non existent. She has never enjoyed intimacy after our first son was born...which was about a year after we got married. I am not exaggerating. She literally has zero libido. She has seen doctors about it and even psychotherapists. She just has no physical desire at all - ever. So I have lived a quarter century like this. When I have expressed my dislike for this situation to counselors, I have always been told the most ridiculous things: "do more housework, women love that and will give you tons of sex if you help out more", "do the cooking, it's a wife aphrodisiac", "take her out a lot, show her you love her", etc. etc. etc. Well, all of that is crap. For years, I have done all of the housework, she never cooks, I take her out to eat multiple times a week, I do all of the laundry, I do all of the yard work. I am very sentimental. I am the one that remembers anniversaries, gives her cards, buys her flowers out of the blue, slips her love notes in her car, etc. I make her lunches every day before she goes to work. I still have zero physical intimacy. I am not an ugly man or a loser. I am very, very fit. Very muscular and athletic. I work out at the gym 5 days a week. I have most of my hair. I am a college graduate who graduated at the top of his class. I make six figures a year. We live in a very affluent area. We have a nice house with a pool. She has everything she could possibly want. I have a wife that treats me like a commodity, two kids that don't give me the time of day or even attempt to spend time with me. I feel like I have made a huge mistake dedicating my life to these people. I have zero friends of my own. I have work friends, but not real friends. No buddies. No brothers. No uncles. No cousins. Not a single person I can talk to in life. My job sucks. Now that I am in my 50s I am finding it very hard to stay relevant. I am being marginalized constantly. I think they are wanting me to quit because they want to hire more millennials. I am SO incredibly lonely. I basically wake up and wish I could disappear. Then, I realize that I am already invisible. I don't even know how to make male friends. I am not gay, but I am not a typical guy either. I do love to work out, but I am not into football or hardly any sports. I would rather go to an art gallery or a museum or a lecture on history than scream like a banshee at a ball game. Finding other men like me has been almost impossible. I never have anything I can talk to with a new acquaintance. They usually try hard to get away from me, I think they are assuming I am gay because I am thin, very fit and can't quote football stats off the top of my head. So I feel like I have nobody, and no hope of ever finding anyone that connects with me. My family no longer seems to care if I live or die. I dedicated the best years of my life to them and now they have full lives of their own and don't need me. I crave physical intimacy so badly with my wife, but that is dead as a door nail. I stopped even trying about 5 years ago. I had been rejected for 20 years and just said enough is enough. Now, it almost never happens - probably 3 to 5 times a year - and that is like some obligatory thing she does that feels totally empty. When I think about living like this for another 20 or 30 years it makes me physically ill. Oh, and to make matters even more stressful... Mom is moving in.
It's hard to be a man with depression. It's hard to be a man who feels like his life is out of control. We are seen as weak by society. It's hard to be a man and complain about no physical intimacy, as everyone assumes it is the males fault and he must be a rotten husband. It's a fallacy. I am SO far from that stereotype. I am the guy who loves to hold hands in public and spend lots of time together. I am a romantic. So, what outcome do I want from posting this? Hell, I don't know.
I am a 50 year old male. I have been married for 25 years. I have two sons, both grown. One lives with me - a college drop out, the other is married and lives a few miles from me. My mother is still alive, but is in her late 70s and is in very poor health...and is beyond depressed. My brother passed away last year, which of course ties into much of my mother's mood, but she was a wet blanket long before he passed. My father is dead. I have no other relatives. I have a really bad relationship with my brother's wife and kids, so after his passing that severed that for good. My kids hardly give me the time a day. I hardly ever see either of them. I have expressed my desire to see them more and they just blow it off. My oldest son actually told me he spends his free time fishing and well, too bad. My wife, who I supported for 20 years while she was a house wife (her choice, not mine) started working and I hardly ever see her now either. She works late every day, comes home tired, eats and gets ready for bed. Her bed is in our basement. About 5 years ago she moved into her own room (her choice). Her reason at the time was that I snore. Our sex life is all but non existent. She has never enjoyed intimacy after our first son was born...which was about a year after we got married. I am not exaggerating. She literally has zero libido. She has seen doctors about it and even psychotherapists. She just has no physical desire at all - ever. So I have lived a quarter century like this. When I have expressed my dislike for this situation to counselors, I have always been told the most ridiculous things: "do more housework, women love that and will give you tons of sex if you help out more", "do the cooking, it's a wife aphrodisiac", "take her out a lot, show her you love her", etc. etc. etc. Well, all of that is crap. For years, I have done all of the housework, she never cooks, I take her out to eat multiple times a week, I do all of the laundry, I do all of the yard work. I am very sentimental. I am the one that remembers anniversaries, gives her cards, buys her flowers out of the blue, slips her love notes in her car, etc. I make her lunches every day before she goes to work. I still have zero physical intimacy. I am not an ugly man or a loser. I am very, very fit. Very muscular and athletic. I work out at the gym 5 days a week. I have most of my hair. I am a college graduate who graduated at the top of his class. I make six figures a year. We live in a very affluent area. We have a nice house with a pool. She has everything she could possibly want. I have a wife that treats me like a commodity, two kids that don't give me the time of day or even attempt to spend time with me. I feel like I have made a huge mistake dedicating my life to these people. I have zero friends of my own. I have work friends, but not real friends. No buddies. No brothers. No uncles. No cousins. Not a single person I can talk to in life. My job sucks. Now that I am in my 50s I am finding it very hard to stay relevant. I am being marginalized constantly. I think they are wanting me to quit because they want to hire more millennials. I am SO incredibly lonely. I basically wake up and wish I could disappear. Then, I realize that I am already invisible. I don't even know how to make male friends. I am not gay, but I am not a typical guy either. I do love to work out, but I am not into football or hardly any sports. I would rather go to an art gallery or a museum or a lecture on history than scream like a banshee at a ball game. Finding other men like me has been almost impossible. I never have anything I can talk to with a new acquaintance. They usually try hard to get away from me, I think they are assuming I am gay because I am thin, very fit and can't quote football stats off the top of my head. So I feel like I have nobody, and no hope of ever finding anyone that connects with me. My family no longer seems to care if I live or die. I dedicated the best years of my life to them and now they have full lives of their own and don't need me. I crave physical intimacy so badly with my wife, but that is dead as a door nail. I stopped even trying about 5 years ago. I had been rejected for 20 years and just said enough is enough. Now, it almost never happens - probably 3 to 5 times a year - and that is like some obligatory thing she does that feels totally empty. When I think about living like this for another 20 or 30 years it makes me physically ill. Oh, and to make matters even more stressful... Mom is moving in.
It's hard to be a man with depression. It's hard to be a man who feels like his life is out of control. We are seen as weak by society. It's hard to be a man and complain about no physical intimacy, as everyone assumes it is the males fault and he must be a rotten husband. It's a fallacy. I am SO far from that stereotype. I am the guy who loves to hold hands in public and spend lots of time together. I am a romantic. So, what outcome do I want from posting this? Hell, I don't know.