Giving this a shot...

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Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 9:15 pm

Giving this a shot...

Postby RiverRunsThruMe » Sun Jul 09, 2017 9:54 pm

I have posted in places like this before and would get a thousand views and zero responses...hoping that doesn't happen here. Anyway, there is something cathartic about just typing your heart and head, so I am going to do this regardless of replies. Bottom line, I know that I am a nameless, faceless digital entity out in Internet land and nobody knows me nor do they really give a shit. I have no delusions about this. I'm depressed, not nuts.

I am a 50 year old male. I have been married for 25 years. I have two sons, both grown. One lives with me - a college drop out, the other is married and lives a few miles from me. My mother is still alive, but is in her late 70s and is in very poor health...and is beyond depressed. My brother passed away last year, which of course ties into much of my mother's mood, but she was a wet blanket long before he passed. My father is dead. I have no other relatives. I have a really bad relationship with my brother's wife and kids, so after his passing that severed that for good. My kids hardly give me the time a day. I hardly ever see either of them. I have expressed my desire to see them more and they just blow it off. My oldest son actually told me he spends his free time fishing and well, too bad. My wife, who I supported for 20 years while she was a house wife (her choice, not mine) started working and I hardly ever see her now either. She works late every day, comes home tired, eats and gets ready for bed. Her bed is in our basement. About 5 years ago she moved into her own room (her choice). Her reason at the time was that I snore. Our sex life is all but non existent. She has never enjoyed intimacy after our first son was born...which was about a year after we got married. I am not exaggerating. She literally has zero libido. She has seen doctors about it and even psychotherapists. She just has no physical desire at all - ever. So I have lived a quarter century like this. When I have expressed my dislike for this situation to counselors, I have always been told the most ridiculous things: "do more housework, women love that and will give you tons of sex if you help out more", "do the cooking, it's a wife aphrodisiac", "take her out a lot, show her you love her", etc. etc. etc. Well, all of that is crap. For years, I have done all of the housework, she never cooks, I take her out to eat multiple times a week, I do all of the laundry, I do all of the yard work. I am very sentimental. I am the one that remembers anniversaries, gives her cards, buys her flowers out of the blue, slips her love notes in her car, etc. I make her lunches every day before she goes to work. I still have zero physical intimacy. I am not an ugly man or a loser. I am very, very fit. Very muscular and athletic. I work out at the gym 5 days a week. I have most of my hair. I am a college graduate who graduated at the top of his class. I make six figures a year. We live in a very affluent area. We have a nice house with a pool. She has everything she could possibly want. I have a wife that treats me like a commodity, two kids that don't give me the time of day or even attempt to spend time with me. I feel like I have made a huge mistake dedicating my life to these people. I have zero friends of my own. I have work friends, but not real friends. No buddies. No brothers. No uncles. No cousins. Not a single person I can talk to in life. My job sucks. Now that I am in my 50s I am finding it very hard to stay relevant. I am being marginalized constantly. I think they are wanting me to quit because they want to hire more millennials. I am SO incredibly lonely. I basically wake up and wish I could disappear. Then, I realize that I am already invisible. I don't even know how to make male friends. I am not gay, but I am not a typical guy either. I do love to work out, but I am not into football or hardly any sports. I would rather go to an art gallery or a museum or a lecture on history than scream like a banshee at a ball game. Finding other men like me has been almost impossible. I never have anything I can talk to with a new acquaintance. They usually try hard to get away from me, I think they are assuming I am gay because I am thin, very fit and can't quote football stats off the top of my head. So I feel like I have nobody, and no hope of ever finding anyone that connects with me. My family no longer seems to care if I live or die. I dedicated the best years of my life to them and now they have full lives of their own and don't need me. I crave physical intimacy so badly with my wife, but that is dead as a door nail. I stopped even trying about 5 years ago. I had been rejected for 20 years and just said enough is enough. Now, it almost never happens - probably 3 to 5 times a year - and that is like some obligatory thing she does that feels totally empty. When I think about living like this for another 20 or 30 years it makes me physically ill. Oh, and to make matters even more stressful... Mom is moving in.

It's hard to be a man with depression. It's hard to be a man who feels like his life is out of control. We are seen as weak by society. It's hard to be a man and complain about no physical intimacy, as everyone assumes it is the males fault and he must be a rotten husband. It's a fallacy. I am SO far from that stereotype. I am the guy who loves to hold hands in public and spend lots of time together. I am a romantic. So, what outcome do I want from posting this? Hell, I don't know.

Quiet 1
Posts: 3
Joined: Sun Jul 09, 2017 9:39 pm

Re: Giving this a shot...

Postby Quiet 1 » Sun Jul 09, 2017 11:43 pm

Maybe you just need to know someone is listening and you're not invisible.

Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jul 19, 2017 5:56 pm

Re: Giving this a shot...

Postby ayoung73 » Fri Jul 21, 2017 8:28 pm

This may sound elementary, but I’ll forge ahead anyway…you mentioned working out, art galleries, and museums; have you tried developing relationships around these activities? Local groups or clubs? I’m not a ‘sports guy’ either, I like watching football here and there, but I can’t name the players or remember their standings either! The only reason I’ve watched so much football in the past two years is because my son is playing. Don’t take this wrong, I’m not advocating cutting your family or your wife off, invite them out to do things, do your chores or whatever your responsibilities are around the house and be loving…use this time for introspection and self-development beyond the physical/outer you. Find a group or take classes in art appreciation or history at your local museum or university for fun…they have to have something like that and it would be a great way to meet people with similar interests!

That being said, you shouldn’t ignore the issues with your marriage either, and this may seem along the lines of your therapist, but this movie and the companion book is fantastic and it helped me to enrich my relationship with my wife - Fireproof & the Love Dare This is also a good resource for all sorts of relationship resources

I really hope this helps you, it sounds like you’ve been suffering for some time, yet it doesn’t seem as if you are ready to give up on them either, clear your head and go back in.

Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jun 20, 2017 1:08 am

Re: Giving this a shot...

Postby cmishima » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:14 pm

Hi! I feel very sorry that you are disappointed and almost feeling like your efforts don't count much in people you most have cared for. I live with depression and, for different reasons from you though, it's not easy for me to make close friends and develop an intimate relationship. I also came to like spending my time on museums, art-related places, in nature without interacting with others too much. I really don't know what works best in your situation, but if I were you, I will take a path that makes myself happy. If I can't receive love from the closest people, I'd go somewhere else to receive it. Local community like adult schools, maybe online? My parents and I were very distant for long years and I rarely see them, but they just leave me alone.. Sometimes they tell me things like living together again but never make me feel that they expect me anything. I naturally organically started to feel that I wanna spend more time with them. I'm sure your sons will start wanting to spend time together at some point in the future, but if you make them feel guilty or pressured, it only delays it from happening ... :( and if you really want to spend time together and wait, wait, wait... By the time they finally say they want to hang with you, you're too mad and tired of waiting that you probably don't enjoy the time together. To avoid such thing from happening, I think you need to compartmentalize the issues (marriage, sons, work, friends) and first try to be more creative on friends part because that's really changeable part; it is hard to make friends but easy to get to know people at least once you put yourself out there. AND I really believe people would love to know you a lot and help you a lot if you allow them to learn about all efforts you put in your marriage and kids and everything.

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