Depression Understood Forums

Hello, Im Heather.
I've been reading a few of your stories and now I don't feel so alone. Thank you to those who have a similar story to mine (Cat, Stillinlove, Bigbuck). I am 36 and am in a relationship with my best friend of 15 years. He and I have only been romantically involved for about 6 years. We are both artists so we're both kind of quirky anyway. He's a puppeteer and sculptor, I'm a painter. My BF was diagnosed at 19 with SAD, Depression, and OCD. He has been on (at one time or another) everykind of antidepressant and anti anxiety medication: Zoloft, Prozac, Wellbutrin, clonzapan, valium, seroquel, etc etc. Three years ago he was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome. AS is defined as high functioning autism affecting social interactions and communication. He has been in therapy off and on for most of his adult life. This has been a difficult journey for the both of us. We've been off again on again rocky roller coaster ride to hell and the emergency room for medication. I have been with him every step of the way. I've read all the books, gone to all the therapy sessions with him at his request. Tried in every way to help him pull himself out of his depression only to have him slip back down the abyss again and again.
This summer he spent 20 hours a day sleeping (seroquel) He didn't bathe for over ten days.

long story short. Right now he is completely off all medication and is on a homeopathic regimen to help him cope. It's been two months and he's been doing very well without Meds. I'm not doing so well.
Because of this long battle, and it's not over yet i'm sure, I feel so worn down and apathetic to everything. I don't paint anymore. I don't do much of anything exept do whatever he wants me to. We just recently got back together, shortly after he stopped all meds. I'm so afraid of him sending me down this rollercoaster ride to rejection again.,... I just don't feel like myself anymore. Who am I? I've spent so much time with him and helping him, I forgot to take care of me? I feel very lost and very alone. I can't even tell him that I love him. I'm not even sure That I do?
I've been feeling this way for about two years. My Dr. diagnosed me with depression and gave me Zoloft, but the side effects are worse than the depression. I don't take it anymore.
I'm sorry this is a rant. I guess there's a lot to say.

Hi stormerhas

Vent away, what this forum is all about. Depression is hell and so many live with it. You will find support people here that understand the life of depression.

There is also a depression chat room connected with this forum. Please feel free, if you get the chance to join there as well. Lot and lots of good chatter that give their all to be there for each other.

Take care

Warmie

I have Asperger's traits, but I really don't like advertising it. I rather think of myself as an introvert.

Heather, you are a wonderful person for being so supportive. And it's also good that you have seen what depression is like because you can identify those traits in yourself. I hope you are okay. It seems like maybe you need some emotional support from the outside world? We are here whenever you need to talk, feel free to come to chat one day I'd be happy to chat anytime you need a vent sesh

As much as you love your bf you need to realize that you need to be loyal to yourself as well.
If you are not painting something is wrong with you. Your art is linked to your soul... Maybe you could try express how you feel in your
paintings and experience high levels of creativity you never reached before, but you shouldn't stop painting. It is essential that you set some time for yourself and paint.
I think you should also set some time to do things that you enjoy to do. It is Ok to be there when he needs you and offer all the support you could give him, but it doesn't mean you should stop living.
If you continue to please him while neglecting yourself you are going to end up severely ill and your relationship will not last long. Your situation reminds me of a novel I read by Fitzgerald "Tender is the Night" in which the brilliant psychologist ends up losing himself while Nicole is coming life. You can't let him absorb you. If he doesn't understand then it is not love what he feels for you.

I wish you the best.

Hortensia

Hortensia,

I looked back at the date of your original post, I am hoping that you are out there, still following things.

I have been a caregiver, for pretty well all of my life. The one thing that therapists have drummed into my head, is that you can't take care of others unless you take good care of yourself.

Burning yourself out means that you are in a deep hole, and your partner will follow quickly.

I am very good at giving this advice out, As I said, I have been a caregiver, in varying degrees for my mother for more than 40 years. It gets hard to break a behavior that is firmly engrained. I wish I could follow it better.

Like I said at the start, since your posting was from so far back. I am not sure if you are able to follow this thread.

Hope so. We like to keep up with what is going on with members. We all look out for each other.