Me
Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2014 8:00 pm
Forty, military wife, mother of two daughters. First had suicidal thoughts in third grade, the age of my youngest daughter. I've always had depression, but didn't get help until after I was married and my husband insisted. In the last five years, I have also developed anxiety (partly as the result of some serious emotional abuse by a past boss, but let's not go there). This has made it difficult for me to hang on to a job (I always expect the worst of employers, because I have had the worst from employers), and part of my depression now stems from the fact that I am largely unable to use either of my university degrees in a manner in which I can help contribute financially to my family. This just further encourages the inner voice that has always told me I was a huge, useless piece of crap. The funny thing is, I am always the first to laugh at a joke, and I try so hard to find the positive side of things and to build other people up, but I think that by now, it is mostly for show. I don't feel the highs anymore. There is nothing to balance out the lows. I feel myself teetering on the edge again, and I am so afraid of falling. My kids need me. So I am white-knuckling hanging on. And even writing this down makes me feel like I am being a selfish tit - like, why should anyone care about how pathetic I am? You've all got your own issues, and sure don't need mine. But I just needed to say it all. Thanks for listening.