In the begining...

[GreenStar]

Hello all. This is my first time using a forum of any kind. I thought it would be good to reach out for guidance since I'm very lost, plus, it might help me from the pent up anger and sadness of everyday life.

I'm 23 and I first noticed that I might suffer from depression when I was in high school. I got up the nerve to go tell my mom, but she told me it was all in my head and I'd get over it. After a few years of telling myself that and denying how I really felt I found myself sitting home alone more and avoiding social activities of any kind. Then my boyfriend would go to work and because he didn't understand depression, or how I felt, I'd stay quiet and pretend everything was okay until he went to work, then I'd run into the room and get underneath the blanket and cry until he got home.

I finally got sick of being sick and reached out for help. I started going to acupuncture which really helped a lot. But in order for me to get better I needed to express what was going on in my life and my acupuncturist referred me to an awesome councilor. On a scale of Zero, being fine and average, and 40 being most extreme, I rated a 44 on the depression scale. I started going to Al-anon for my co-dependency and I was put on medications but can't seem to find one I like. I'm settling with what I'm on now. I've been trough 2 kinds of meds, this one I'm on now, being the 3rd. I quit asking my doctor for help. Because they only get frustrated that I'm asking about anti depressants.

I feel like I'm unfixable like I'm just a burden. But I know there's more I can do to help myself. I was told if I didn't stay on an anti depressant that it would be extremely possible that I may never overcome it and it will become a chronic illness. I stopped going to counseling because it was 40 minutes away and I couldn't afford it. I also stopped going to Al-anon because...I actually really don't know why I stopped going. Then a doctor referred me to a councilor and it wasn't the same. It was just a "so what's been going on" and not helping me to solve or at least guide me with my issues. I can never get too deep in conversation about how I feel because I start crying. I cry because I'm mad. And I hold it in every chance I get. Even when I'm alone, its hard to let it go.
That's why I play the drums. It helps me for how ever long I need it, but I still hurt. And recently I havn't had the desire to play or practice. I feel like I've lost my spark. I feel my life is dull and run down, nothing spartks my interests.

I don't have any friends I can talk to. My best friend ditched me my junior year of high school when my mom and stepdad were going through a divorce. Another good friend I had let me down too. I confided in her and told her some things I would only tell a friend. Well, come to find out she was telling her boyfriend everything and exaggerating it. I was kicked out of the house on my birthday. And since then I've never trusted anyone enough to get close, nor do I want to waste my time just to be let down again.
I find it extremely hard expressing how i feel when I'm sad or blue. I feel like no body understands and then that makes me feel even more alone and more sad. And when I feel that way I want to go far far far away. Sometimes I'll just go to sleep watch cartoons, play video games or day dream about running away to where no one knows me and I can start fresh. I wish things were easier.

[shmuel]

Hi GreenStar..a warm welcome and a hug too
It really does sound as if all the people who you asked for help have let you down.I don`t think we need understanding (altough we do understand here) - but we do need support.. and yes there is a difference.
It´s a shame that you can`t go on seeing your first counseler..altough I suggest you keep on going to the Al-anon.
The important thing is ,as you`ve said,to share your thoughts.Thats whats great about this forum,chat.. this is the place.
Getting back that "spark" is the goal... its a different jouney for us all but it`s great if we can travel together..thats where the support bit comes into it.
The pain and anguish of depression takes so much of our life energy away and then all we have left is a feeling of uselessness...weakness...runaway and hide. I know that feeling well.
Yes I know its been said a thousand times... but setting little achieveable goals is for me a way to get that spark glowing.
It could be really simple things.. each one of us has different little things that we could set.
A last thought...I think that meds are just a part of the whole therapy..don`t forget things like,exercise,nutrition etc..so many different pieces in this puzzle thats gonna help us get that happiness back into our lives.
If you feel up to reading and writing,making goals etc, then here are a couple of Ebooks(free).I found them very imformative and helful for me.
Depression Toolkit
http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/skills/managing-depression

Antidepressant Skills Workbook
http://www.carmha.ca/antidepressant-ski ... ex-asw.cfm

Nothing is easy until you can do it - there are so many wonderful people here lets support each other.
Hope to talk with ya soon.
And keep on sharing and communicating

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( Greenstar )))))))))))))))))))))

Welcome.........

Warmie

[JudeB]

Just wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone in your feelings.

It made me laugh out loud when I read what your mom said about your depression being "all in your head." (fairly sure my weird sense of humor helps keep me going.)

My Dad said exactly the same thing to me. It struck me as hilarious at the time and he didn't understand why I was laughing. I still laugh about it. Because, it IS in my head! Just in a different way....

He meant that I chose to be depressed.

I, of course, meant that my chemical imbalance and depression started, and stays, in my head.

I guess what I am trying to say is this....no one lives in your own mind but you. You are the only one that knows the truth about what goes on in your head.

I used to want to say to him, "well, if it is so easy to take control of my depression; then why did you stay drunk for over 20 years?"

I have learned that you can't change anyone but yourself. And sometimes you have to have a sense of humor about human hypocrisys.

Of course, I have to admit, the guy that told me to my face that he did not believe in allergies almost got punched.(I have 35+ of those.)

People are weird. No getting around it.

[Emotional_77]

(((((((GreenStar))))))))))))))
Are you still with your bf? Maybe try talking to him? It sucks when friends just gradually dissapear on you, I have had that happen plenty of times to me. I'm sorry your family does not support you with your depression. You need alot of support when you have depression. This is a great site though and if you ever need to talk we are here to support and listen to you.
take care of yourself.