I don't have a story

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benduggan
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:19 pm
Location: MA

I don't have a story

Postby benduggan » Sun Nov 17, 2013 9:32 pm

My name is Stefan. I'm on this forum because I suck at life. I haven't really had anything bad happen to me in my childhood or any major catastrophies. I've just been predominantly a nonparticipant in life, if anything. My life is kinda banal and uninteresting and I'm astoundingly undeveloped as a human being. I don't really have a lot of knowledge or interests and I don't really enjoy much of anything in life. I was pretty much always depressed to some extent, I didn't have friends in high school and didn't know how to talk to people. I did well in school though, I think that's pretty much the only thing I've done well in life, ever. I didn't really learn much though, I just forget everything I learn. Most of my life has been an aimless waste of time of just going through the motions while not really caring. I made some friends in college and started enjoying life more then senior year idk I just gave up got really depressed, consumed by self-loathing, kinda fell off the map and had to leave school awhile. I'm just working now and going back to finish school in the spring and am really motivated to work hard in school/career etc. But at the same time I've kinda given up on deriving any real enjoyment from life. I'm working towards publishing but honestly I don't really care what I do because I hate everything in life and whatever I do I'd end up hating and I'd rather just do something to feel less worthless I guess. I very rarely talk to anyone now, I don't even have much desire to socialize and have reconciled myself to the fact that I have nothing to say or offer other people and there's no point even trying. Every time I even talk to people I end up saying the worst most embarassing crap possible. I've just basically given up at this point. I pass my life in a blur only semi consciousness of what I'm thinking about or why I feel bad when I do, most of the time I'm just numb and don't feel anything. I know I should probably change some things but I'm unmotivated and change doesn't seem possible. I've just accepted being alone and empty. I'm really joining this site mainly so I don't forget how to string words into sentences since I so rarely talk much anymore.

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SilentWaters
Posts: 33
Joined: Wed Aug 07, 2013 7:21 am
Location: South Africa

Postby SilentWaters » Mon Nov 18, 2013 6:24 am

This post makes me feel so sad. Mainly because I've been there myself and yet anything I can say to you will sound so empty.

I really wish I could say something that would help you, make you feel better. I wish I could tell you the magic secret to getting rid of it. All I can do is say you're not alone. I have no "story" either. Crap happened sure, but crap happens to everyone. Nothing I've been through is any reason to be depressed, but it's not like I was never really "happy" ever. The dull lifeless numb feelings, I've felt those too. At some point "nothing is real, nothing matters, and even if it did I'd just hate it anyway" becomes a solid belief. I'm just saying that I get it.

I don't know what changed or how or why or when... but I've regained a spark of hope. Well not exactly "regained". It comes and goes. I try more and succeed more. It hurts more, but maybe hurting is better that not caring at all.

I could tell you to make yourself try. To get up and exercise, to eat healthy, to practice talking to people. I could tell you to speak to a psychologist about it and start taking medication. I could tell you to go to group meetings. I could but I won't. Because that's not what you want to hear. Because I hate it when someone tells me those things. Because you already know the changes you should make, just like I do. Telling you it again would do nothing but make it worse. So I just wont.

I have no answers. I can only say that I understand

schizorobin
Posts: 14
Joined: Thu Nov 21, 2013 7:25 am

Postby schizorobin » Thu Nov 21, 2013 9:10 pm

Somehow I know how you felt, the feeling of emptyness, that also happened to me everyday, every second in my life.

In my case, I'm stuck in my routine life at my work place. It was ironic. I'm working as customer relation service, I talk to stranger everydays about business. But in real life I have no relationship.

My social skill only used for work. I have no lover nor a friend right now, everybody just an acquaintance for me , and I don't think I need them. I rare to talk about private matters even to my family, though I still live under the same roof with them.

I hate my job. I wanted a change, I wanted an escape but I don't know how. I've tried to find another job, my dream job, but failed, so I lost motivation and become pessimist. Then I used my hobby music and writting as an escape but it still doesn't work.

I've been tried to make relationship, with a random girls and guys (well, I'm bisexual ), but I'm afraid everytime it getting serious. so I dumped them before I getting dumped.

So now I feel like already dead psychologically.
I prefer to be alone and feel more comfortable this way.

Just like what SilentWater wrote before, I won't suggest you any answer, because I believe you have your own. I thought that since you seem younger than me, you have lot of time to find the answer to fill your emptyness and find back your motivation. I just hope that you're not chose the wrong answer and end up like me.

hail12321
Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Oct 26, 2014 8:10 am

Postby hail12321 » Sun Oct 26, 2014 8:25 am

You're not alone. I feel like I don't have a story either, I'm just depressed. I feel exactly how you feel.

SkaterDrew
Posts: 37
Joined: Wed Jan 07, 2015 9:55 pm

Postby SkaterDrew » Wed Jan 07, 2015 11:19 pm

you are definitely not alone! i can feel you, we are in the same boat :(

emily67
Posts: 92
Joined: Sun Jan 25, 2015 11:35 am

Postby emily67 » Sun Jan 25, 2015 1:30 pm

it's good to reach out

you're not alone- and i hope you will come back on here and share some more!


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