The witch who lost her mojo

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Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 4:51 am
Location: United Kingdom

The witch who lost her mojo

Postby Witchmojo » Tue Oct 08, 2013 5:26 am

Actually, I'm never sure I had it! I apologise in advance if this is long and rambling, and I fully appreciate some of you not having the time or patience to read it, so feel free to tldr :)

As long as I can remember I have talked to people and creatures that weren't there for others. I thought it was normal. My mother was abusive, probably had mental issues of her own, addicted to valium and drink. She destroyed my self-esteem and turned me into someone whose only purpose was to look after others with no care for herself. It's far too long a tale, but suffice to say the day she dies, if I should hear about it, I will not only dance on her grave, but I will pray to all the gods that she ends up in the very worst kind of hell possible, and then throw a celebratory party to end all parties.

Moving on, through my teens I discovered my ability to lie my way through school. Home life meant I wasn't allowed to go out, to socialise at all, and I found ever more creative ways to lie about why I couldn't lead a normal teen life the way my friends did. I was pulled out of school so often to look after my mother, to answer the door to creditors mostly, that the truant officer eventually stopped bothering to chase me. I spent a lot of time stealing food from doorsteps and shops to feed us as she spent all available money on cigarettes and booze.

Age thirteen, shortly after she had handed me to her then boyfriend for the express purpose of relieving me of the onerous burden of my virginity, I had my first breakdown. She fed me valium, called a doctor - who prescribed rest and put it down to teen hormones - and everything carried on as usual. Aside from the fact that I had now learned from her that I could have a semblance of love if I gave guys what they wanted. And give it I did, in abundance and normally with men I didn't know, those I picked up when I was out stealing or walking to avoid being at home.

Over the ensuing years I have had a multitude of drug treatments and counselling sessions, none of which have ever helped. The drugs make me feel separated from the world and from myself, and counsellors only seem interested in the sexual incidents in my past... like I really need to be reminded of them and explain them repeatedly!

My symptoms are as numerous as the drugs. I have panic attacks, bouts of extreme paranoia, black pits of depression and highs of hysterical magnitude, am constantly on the verge of tears, inability to trust anyone, suicidal thoughts (which have come close to killing me a few times), occasional inability to differentiate between reality and fantasy, a penchant for making appalling choices when I am in a manic state, such as spending money and putting myself in debt, or sleeping with people for no reason than that I wanted to, no matter the possible dangers, extreme rages, racing thoughts and inability to find the words I need... Well, the list goes on as I am sure most of you are aware.

Coming up on menopause, I am well aware that my hormones are going to cause more havoc with my already beleaguered brain, and I am pretty much lost as to what to do and how to cope, and that is the reason I came here, hoping to find even one other person who is about to go through the same thing, or has already, and people who can offer some support.

I hasten to say, for all my problems, I am also extremely experienced in giving advice, support and help to others (which is silly as I can't give it to mysefl) and I am always available as a listening ear, without judgement. Chances are, I've been there and done that too!

So, that's a brief look at me :wink:

Posts: 1081
Joined: Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:25 am
Location: Pennsylvania

Postby Frame » Tue Oct 08, 2013 8:26 am

Well, Witchmojo, if you read bit into my past, you will see I can relate to the last part of your post. I too, want to help. As matter of fact, I've been posting so obsessively that they made me a moderator. Of course, that very same fact proves my own difficulty following advice.

But this forum can well use a good listener. I think the strength of this forum is in a core of good listeners supporting each other and anyone else who wants to chime in. So on behalf of the forum I welcome you to respond as often as you like.

As far as being able to relate to your own personal story, there are probably more enlightened members. I share your experience with mood swings and there certainly is some craziness in my family, but I don't share your gender or your childhood history. I remain however, willing to listen. How are things going today?

Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Oct 08, 2013 4:51 am
Location: United Kingdom

Postby Witchmojo » Fri Oct 11, 2013 10:35 am

Thank you for the welcome. As I explained in the other thread, I'm in a bit of a meltdown situation at the moment, so I will struggle to respond well at the moment. I will keep in touch though as I need the support I think can be found here.

Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Sep 29, 2014 7:09 am

Postby Aliraza03 » Mon Sep 29, 2014 7:16 am

Hi Sherbet,
I also have DID and share your terrible hospital experiences. It's now almost October and I am wondering how you are doing. I hope you will post an update here.

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