Coffee7201 - Me
Posted: Wed Sep 04, 2013 10:38 am
Hi Everyone:
I really don’t know where to start, so forgive me if I go all over the place. To start from the beginning, I have always had a low self esteem, from a very young age. I was molested when I was five, I am now thirty-seven, I have openly admitted this 2 years ago. My abuser was a tenant at my parent house. I have never shared this with my family, nor will I, as I know it would break my mother’s heart.
Growing up, I was always the shy girl. It was always so hard for me to make friends. I found that when I did make that one friend, for whatever reason, we always grew apart. I was a late bloomer; my first kiss was at nineteen my first sexual experience was at twenty. I always had this fantasy that I would fall in love with Prince Charming, have children and live happily ever after. That has not happened
Now at thirty-seven, I find myself single, alone and depressed, very depressed. I was deeply in love two years ago, with a man I thought was my soul mate, however, he didn’t see it that way, he ended up going on a dating site, finding a girlfriend (someone better then me), and dumping me. They are currently living together. Here I am two years later no better then I was the day after it happened. I suppose my ex-boyfriend validated all my fears … I am no good, there is always better. For most of the two years I was able to hide a lot of my emotions, whether I would go out, shop, and so on. In the past month or so I feel as though I am paralyzed to do anything. I have isolated myself, to the point where weekends come and go, and no one invites me to go out. I am not going say that I live my life, but rather I exist. The more isolated I find myself, the more depressed I get, and the more I feel, that I do not belong in the physical world. If no one calls me, then who will miss me… this is my train of thought.
I suppose what I am asking everyone is this … how do I change my way of feeling. I know most of you are going to say therapy, I have started this about a month ago, when I found out my ex was living with his girlfriend …. I was so devasted… and still am. I feel as though I am that forgotten girl, that girl that a man dates, before he meets the better girl. I feel as though I have been thrown out like a piece of garbage.
I just need guidance …
I really don’t know where to start, so forgive me if I go all over the place. To start from the beginning, I have always had a low self esteem, from a very young age. I was molested when I was five, I am now thirty-seven, I have openly admitted this 2 years ago. My abuser was a tenant at my parent house. I have never shared this with my family, nor will I, as I know it would break my mother’s heart.
Growing up, I was always the shy girl. It was always so hard for me to make friends. I found that when I did make that one friend, for whatever reason, we always grew apart. I was a late bloomer; my first kiss was at nineteen my first sexual experience was at twenty. I always had this fantasy that I would fall in love with Prince Charming, have children and live happily ever after. That has not happened
Now at thirty-seven, I find myself single, alone and depressed, very depressed. I was deeply in love two years ago, with a man I thought was my soul mate, however, he didn’t see it that way, he ended up going on a dating site, finding a girlfriend (someone better then me), and dumping me. They are currently living together. Here I am two years later no better then I was the day after it happened. I suppose my ex-boyfriend validated all my fears … I am no good, there is always better. For most of the two years I was able to hide a lot of my emotions, whether I would go out, shop, and so on. In the past month or so I feel as though I am paralyzed to do anything. I have isolated myself, to the point where weekends come and go, and no one invites me to go out. I am not going say that I live my life, but rather I exist. The more isolated I find myself, the more depressed I get, and the more I feel, that I do not belong in the physical world. If no one calls me, then who will miss me… this is my train of thought.
I suppose what I am asking everyone is this … how do I change my way of feeling. I know most of you are going to say therapy, I have started this about a month ago, when I found out my ex was living with his girlfriend …. I was so devasted… and still am. I feel as though I am that forgotten girl, that girl that a man dates, before he meets the better girl. I feel as though I have been thrown out like a piece of garbage.
I just need guidance …