A Little About Myself
Posted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 8:44 am
I live in the US. I've been an elementary school educator for 18 years. Additionally, I took a leave for four years to work on the Curriculum and Instruction team, working on district professional development, cultural proficiency and new teacher mentoring. I have taught at a local University for the last six years preparing new teachers at the graduate level. I am almost done with my doctorate, but will have to drop out due to financial stresses.
I have a pit bull terrier and volunteer with the group my husband and I adopted him from. We work really hard on education about this loving, but high energy breed.
In my intro, my husband had just left after letting me support him for 5 years as he finished school. At times, I took on three jobs to try to do this. I also incurred some debt along the way and was not forthright about how bad it was because I wanted to be a good provider (I'm quite the perfectionist) and didn't want him to feel poorly. He was furious when he found out I had debt (Why did he think I had three jobs as well as being a student myself?). He is back now, but has said some incredibly hurtful things that have made me feel even more worthless and stupid than usual.
So, those are the "good things". I have been battling depression/anxiety since my teens. Not a great family situation growing up (but we are closer now), was date raped at 16, moved on to marry a physically and mentally abusive man who cheated and now find myself in my current situation(2nd husband).
I find that despite trying to keep busy the cloak of darkness that is depression and anxiety always covers and tries to smother me. I find myself unable to get out of bed, wanting to be swallowed up by sleep--my only escape. I've tried too many meds to recount and am currently on a "cocktail" that is of some help. But I still find that as I drive, I am wishing that the car would just lose control or that a bridge would collapse on me. While I would not hurt myself at this point, I really wouldn't mind death finding me. I'm sure that there are some that think I should value every day and that there are others who are fighting to have more days. I wish I could donate mine, I really do. Just because someone else would like to live longer does not mean I have to value each day of this gut wrenching pain.
I think I look very functional on the outside, but am a complete mess on the inside. This is very isolating--no one knows but the facade of me.
I'm tired and don't want to fight any longer.
I'm hoping to connect on this board, perhaps finding a place where the full me can live, not just the outer shell.
I have a pit bull terrier and volunteer with the group my husband and I adopted him from. We work really hard on education about this loving, but high energy breed.
In my intro, my husband had just left after letting me support him for 5 years as he finished school. At times, I took on three jobs to try to do this. I also incurred some debt along the way and was not forthright about how bad it was because I wanted to be a good provider (I'm quite the perfectionist) and didn't want him to feel poorly. He was furious when he found out I had debt (Why did he think I had three jobs as well as being a student myself?). He is back now, but has said some incredibly hurtful things that have made me feel even more worthless and stupid than usual.
So, those are the "good things". I have been battling depression/anxiety since my teens. Not a great family situation growing up (but we are closer now), was date raped at 16, moved on to marry a physically and mentally abusive man who cheated and now find myself in my current situation(2nd husband).
I find that despite trying to keep busy the cloak of darkness that is depression and anxiety always covers and tries to smother me. I find myself unable to get out of bed, wanting to be swallowed up by sleep--my only escape. I've tried too many meds to recount and am currently on a "cocktail" that is of some help. But I still find that as I drive, I am wishing that the car would just lose control or that a bridge would collapse on me. While I would not hurt myself at this point, I really wouldn't mind death finding me. I'm sure that there are some that think I should value every day and that there are others who are fighting to have more days. I wish I could donate mine, I really do. Just because someone else would like to live longer does not mean I have to value each day of this gut wrenching pain.
I think I look very functional on the outside, but am a complete mess on the inside. This is very isolating--no one knows but the facade of me.
I'm tired and don't want to fight any longer.
I'm hoping to connect on this board, perhaps finding a place where the full me can live, not just the outer shell.