A Little About Myself

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dustinthewind
Posts: 33
Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2012 6:13 pm

A Little About Myself

Postby dustinthewind » Sun Jul 01, 2012 8:44 am

I live in the US. I've been an elementary school educator for 18 years. Additionally, I took a leave for four years to work on the Curriculum and Instruction team, working on district professional development, cultural proficiency and new teacher mentoring. I have taught at a local University for the last six years preparing new teachers at the graduate level. I am almost done with my doctorate, but will have to drop out due to financial stresses.

I have a pit bull terrier and volunteer with the group my husband and I adopted him from. We work really hard on education about this loving, but high energy breed.

In my intro, my husband had just left after letting me support him for 5 years as he finished school. At times, I took on three jobs to try to do this. I also incurred some debt along the way and was not forthright about how bad it was because I wanted to be a good provider (I'm quite the perfectionist) and didn't want him to feel poorly. He was furious when he found out I had debt (Why did he think I had three jobs as well as being a student myself?). He is back now, but has said some incredibly hurtful things that have made me feel even more worthless and stupid than usual.

So, those are the "good things". I have been battling depression/anxiety since my teens. Not a great family situation growing up (but we are closer now), was date raped at 16, moved on to marry a physically and mentally abusive man who cheated and now find myself in my current situation(2nd husband).

I find that despite trying to keep busy the cloak of darkness that is depression and anxiety always covers and tries to smother me. I find myself unable to get out of bed, wanting to be swallowed up by sleep--my only escape. I've tried too many meds to recount and am currently on a "cocktail" that is of some help. But I still find that as I drive, I am wishing that the car would just lose control or that a bridge would collapse on me. While I would not hurt myself at this point, I really wouldn't mind death finding me. I'm sure that there are some that think I should value every day and that there are others who are fighting to have more days. I wish I could donate mine, I really do. Just because someone else would like to live longer does not mean I have to value each day of this gut wrenching pain.

I think I look very functional on the outside, but am a complete mess on the inside. This is very isolating--no one knows but the facade of me.

I'm tired and don't want to fight any longer.

I'm hoping to connect on this board, perhaps finding a place where the full me can live, not just the outer shell.

Jazminetta
Posts: 12
Joined: Thu Jul 12, 2012 1:30 pm
Location: New Jersey

Postby Jazminetta » Fri Jul 13, 2012 11:25 am

I totally agree with you. Everyone says we should value our lives because there are others who did not have a chance, blah blah...not my fault. I can't control the universe and how everything is dished out. There are some people who have it better than me, some who have it worse. that is always the way it is. I will never understand why people get angry at people for not loving their life. It is their life, after all!

dustinthewind
Posts: 33
Joined: Thu Jun 28, 2012 6:13 pm

Postby dustinthewind » Fri Jul 13, 2012 12:06 pm

Thank you for your reply! I appreciate it.

I wish you well!

hope1968
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Oct 13, 2012 9:46 am

Postby hope1968 » Sat Oct 13, 2012 11:31 am

I just joined and was randomly browsing the "about me" files and came across yours. Boy, can I relate to that feeling! I, too, would bet people would be shocked to know of my depression. I was a teacher for 20 years and an active participant in my church. Despite that, I felt smothered by depression. Wouldn't end my life (I have a 6 year old, and wouldn't do that to him) but there were so many days when I just wanted to be dead, and the thought of living my life like this is overwhelming.
However, after over a year of therapy, I do feel better. It's not perfect, but it's progress, and that gives me hope. I didn't go the drug route, because I didn't like the side effects, and studies have shown therapy can be just as good.
Hang in there and feel free to chat when you need to. While I wouldn't wish this upon anyone, it is nice to know we're not alone.


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