All About Me

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RadleySnow
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2012 2:12 am
Location: USA

All About Me

Postby RadleySnow » Mon Apr 16, 2012 1:44 am

Hello everyone, I am new here so I thought I would introduce myself as well as give everyone a bit of info on me. I'll probably be posting in the Introductions forum shortly just to say hi, but I thought this would be a better place to go into more detail on myself. So here it goes:

My name is Radley, I am nineteen years old and I am female. I live with my parents and seven year old sister. I have three pets, a dog, a Red-Footed Tortoise, and a Leopard Gecko. I'm attending college right now for Visual Communications, but my semester is almost over and I am currently visiting schools where I can become an esthetician (totally different areas, I know :P). I do not currently have a job, but I am always on the lookout.

I have an eternal love for movies. I can sit and watch movies all day and night. Pretty much anything Fantasy, Sci-Fi, or Action. I'm also a huge fan of books. Pretty much in the same sort of genres as the movies. As far as music goes, I tend to stick to pop and rock. Most of my music library consists of Adam Lambert, David Bowie, Tokio Hotel, and Cinema Bizarre. I have many more favorites and I listen to much more than that, but those are the main ones.

More on my lifestyle, I am constantly becoming more and more of a health nut. I am nearly vegan simply because of all my allergies, I am always ready to look into natural foods and remedies before anything else. I also meditate regularly to relieve my stress and depression.
Another thing I would like to add to this section that seems to be mostly about just me and my lifestyle is that I am pan-sexual, and "gender-queer" I'm not very fond of these terms, but it's what makes sense to people. I was born and am physically female, but I have always felt like there is a second side to me, a whole other, male, person occupying my mind and body, but at the same time, he is still me. I accept and embrace my alternate personality. When I take him on, I dress, act, and speak differently in some ways. I am completely willing to go into more detail on this individually or answer anyones questions, it's just too much to explain right here.

Now onto my problems...

I do have chronic depression. I also have been diagnosed with ADD, Tourettes Syndrome, very mild epilepsy, and narcolepsy. I'm also currently being "observed" to be tested for short term memory loss as well as Dissociative Identity Disorder. I probably spelled that wrong or messed it up in some way, but hopefully you know what I was trying to say.
On top of these "medical" problems, I am an extremely shy person to the point of where it interferes with my life majorly at times. I am very self-concious even though I don't like to admit it, which doesn't help with my nearly non-existant self-esteem and self-confidence. My family is also violently against anything LGBT, which I whole-heartedly support and am part of myself. I have to hide this from them and always fear them finding out. I also fear them finding out that I am engaged. They do not want me dating at all and they met my fiancé five years ago when we first started dating and immediately hated him and told him to stay away from me or they would take action against him. We've been together despite this for five years and engaged for nearly two of those years now. We've had to keep a somewhat long-distance relationship which is stressful to us both and my fiancé can get very angry or upset at times. He would never hurt me physically and does his best not to hurt me emotionally (everyone says things they don't really mean every now and then right? He always apologizes and makes sure I'm okay.) No matter what we go through though, he is my biggest support along with my best friend, who I have known for almost eight years. We are closer than sisters with each other and I know I can go to her and rely on her. But she is in college as well now and is busier than I am so it's getting more and more difficult to spend time with her or even talk to her.

So yeah, this is all I could think to write right now. It's probably really long (small screen) but it's still probably not finished. I'll likely be updating as I think of things and as I open up more.

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crystalgaze
Posts: 2511
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
Location: USA

Postby crystalgaze » Tue Apr 17, 2012 9:35 am

I am going to applaud you for doing your best to handle your situation. Good on you!

Also, I am glad you are embracing yourself. That is great as well.

I think I could say I have many sides (a male one included & the one that comes out in a pinch to help me preserve myself). Most of the time, I am neutral in terms of gender. Yes, obviously I'm biologically female & have the trappings of that, but I would call my neutrality a kind of peace. I am more than a woman/female, & I don't have to be restricted by that, gender, societal trappings, biological trappings, etc. (That's how I see it.)

I do have allergies as well & am on my way to becoming a health nut.... It's hard at times for me, but I'm trying. & yeah, I understand the epilepsy part, as I have had seizures no one could explain....

What you wrote really resonates with me. I am rooting for you! Good luck with college & hang in there!

I feel you are pretty much on a good path....

You seem to know what you are doing, so keep on with it. About the self-esteem, can you use your male side to give you strength??

(It's just a thought.)

Take care, and welcome!
~Crystal

I'm not exactly digging myself out of the hole but creating a tunnel to get out another way. Throwing dirt from one end of the pit to the other isn't going to get me anywhere. Instead, I'll create my own path.

RadleySnow
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2012 2:12 am
Location: USA

Postby RadleySnow » Tue Apr 17, 2012 4:44 pm

Thank you for such kind words, and I really am glad to know there is someone else who can understand! ^^
I do have a plan in my mind for where everything is going and how to work everything out, but once in a while the depression does rear it's ugly head and when it does, it can be extremely harmful to me mentally, emotionally and physically and also to others.
And yes, actually my male side, Radley, (I used his name as part of my username because I feel I'm channeling him much more right now) is very much an opposite to me. I'm more confident and outgoing. I'm still somewhat shy when first meeting people, but I'm much more likely to just walk up to someone and say hi or something like that. Both sides of me have their pros and cons I suppose.

balcony
Posts: 1395
Joined: Thu Dec 01, 2011 9:46 pm
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Postby balcony » Mon Apr 23, 2012 7:27 am

Hi Radleysnow, thank you for sharing so much about yourself and your struggles. You are an extremely articulate person underneath what you say is intense shyness. I hope that ability to communicate so well in the written word gives you added confidence.

Nineteen is very young to embark on marriage and settling down. I know you probably do not with to hear that, but, marriage does not solve or fix any problems and in many cases, will only make stresses and unresolved issues more stressful. I hope you will consider taking it slow and getting yourself as well as possible. Make sure you are set with your own path before you try to walk that path with another person.

Keep posting and take care.
Lisa

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Thatoneguy
Posts: 23
Joined: Wed Apr 25, 2012 10:45 pm
Location: Middle of No Where

Good for you.

Postby Thatoneguy » Thu Apr 26, 2012 4:12 pm

I'm 19 too in online collage so I some what understand whats going on with you. I'm the black sheep of my family witch is the black sheep of are extanded family. I'm routing for you and hope you the best in school. and your lucky to have some one else.

RadleySnow
Posts: 22
Joined: Sun Apr 15, 2012 2:12 am
Location: USA

Postby RadleySnow » Mon Apr 30, 2012 12:54 am

balcony: Thanks, I know I definitely communicate better through writing than I do face to face or even over the phone. In person I tend to freeze up and I stutter and tend to speak in a very monotone voice without meaning to. It's strange though because I have no problem speaking to my class during presentations or whatnot, and I did 4H for 9 years which required a lot of public speaking and talking to the judges. I feel I'm starting to do better in one on one situations though since I started college.
And I do know 19 is young to get married, but we aren't going to be going through with it anytime soon considering my situation and his. He does want to go ahead with it and gets frustrated sometimes but he knows and understands that it's just not possible right now for us. We're definitely staying engaged but we're also definitely taking our time. I want to thank you for your concern on this matter too because there really aren't many people who say anything about it.

Thatoneguy: Your "black sheep" situation sounds just like mine. My family are the outcasts of the extended family and I'm the odd one out of them. I've even joked thatI'm the adopted one because I'm so much different. I don't even look like most of my family. And thanks for the good wishes for school. I'm gonna need it. Especially with finals all this week. And I wish you the best in school as well. I know how tough it can be sometimes.
"I get kind of dark, let it go too far, I can be obnoxious at times, but try and see my heart, 'cause I need you now, so don't let me down, you're the only thing in this world I would die without" - Better Than I Know Myself by Adam Lambert


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