Members' personal profiles.

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Posts: 38
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 2010 10:13 am
Location: New Zealand


Postby mpal050 » Sat Oct 02, 2010 11:18 am

I'm Miranda, I live in New Zealand and am a 21 year old music student who works as a bartender and piano teacher part time.

I've been aware of my mental state since I was 17, when a friend told me it wasn't normal to feel so drained and despondent all the time. Since that I've had 1 (AND ONLY!) 'S' attempt (is that what you're supposed to refer it as?), been on a melee of medication, had many disappointing and useless doctors and counsellors but have had amazing and supportive friends and family.

I am writing this in a patch where I feel okay. And by 'patch' I mean a period of 3 or so hours. I have bad mixed episode disorder, and it's been stuck to me for 6 weeks. Thats the longest amount of time it ever has been present, and one of the reasons why I'm here.

I'm neither fat nor thin, can catch a ball, was accelerated in all my pre varsity studies, have blonde hair, a very structured face (not calling myself pretty, but structured is what my Mum says), dress wonderfully and have no problem talking to or picking up guys.

I guess I'm your standard, young female from the outside.
As a kid I remember feeling lonely and isolated, despite having a myriad of friends. Maybe my 'fake it 'til you make it' policy was adopted as young as then!

I read ALL of Crystalgazer's post and can not say I have endured many specific triggers. This makes me feel guilty for feeling the ways I do, and also want to spout respect for others like her!

I have a close group of girl-friends who I love and respect and get the same back. I have a few platonic close guy friends too, which I feel lucky to have, as often the opposite sex can have the right kind of view. I love them all, but know that most of them don't understand. Now I'm at breaking point, I feel it is unfair to load my issues onto them. Especially coming up to end of semester.

My family is mostly great. Dad doesn't understand or act considerately sometimes, but he wants to, and that is good enough for me. I'm 3 of 4.

How do I feel day to day?
Lonely - even though a friend may have txt me 5 minutes before, and I have a coffee date in 2 hours

Sad - even when my flatmate tries to get me out of bed for Arrested Development.

Despondent - even when my friends have organised the most amazing New Years plans and after semester gatherings.

Isolated - even though I'm making jokes and playing poker with my guy friends or talking about my feelings with my ladies.

Tired - pre programmed 'fake it 'til you make it' is exhausting and sometimes not the right thing to do.

This is turning into a spiel, I'm on Paroxetine, Zyban and Seroquel (for nights), attend counselling with an excellent guy who has the same humour and gumption as me, and up til recently was seeing a psychiatrist. Mixed episodes make life confusing, and anxiety in leaving my flat/anywhere i've spent more than 2 hours at is crippling.

I guess what I'm looking for here is hope, a cure for lonliness and to help where I can.

Hope no one found this pretentious or boring. I'm open to any kind of contact, especially those in my age bracket!

Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma

Postby Obayan » Sat Oct 02, 2010 5:55 pm

Hi. I understand about "having it all" as far as others can see. I have a good life. A nice home, a nice car, etc.... But happiness isn't about what you have or don't have. It comes from inside us. And if it isn't there, we aren't going to be very successfull in replacing it with things around us. Counseling, medication, meditatin, etc... these are all tools that are out there to help us. And counselors are people just like us. Some good, some bad. If you don't like the one you have, shop around. find another one. Just don't give up.

Posts: 830
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2009 3:44 pm
Location: Canada

Postby Monty » Sun Oct 10, 2010 2:39 pm


I must admit that I am not in the same age group as you.

I was a little bit older than you, when my depression hit my life and turned it upside down.

Things that I was sure of before, I wasn't so sure of. I got to the point that I trusted no one. I am very grateful that feeling has been intense but mostly manageable since then.

One thing I noticed from your post, is that you were accelerated in your studies. That also happened to me but at a much younger age. As a result I never felt like I fit in. You don't sound like you have that problem.

It is good that you have a counsellor that is a good match for you. That makes the world of difference. I have gone through many of them and I must say that all therapists, are not created equal.

Once you have been in the forum for a while, you might find as I did. That when things are the lowest, I don't have to leave the house. Or pick up the phone to tell a friend, that I am yet again depressed. I can sit down at the computer and just let my thoughts go. I have found so much help and support here.

Sometimes this forum is the only outside contact I have with people for a bit. Often it seems that I end up kind of recharged and ready to face the world again.

I hope that this will also happen for you.

Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma

Postby Obayan » Sun Dec 26, 2010 3:18 pm

((( monty )))

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Posts: 2511
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 10:11 pm
Location: USA

Postby crystalgaze » Mon Dec 27, 2010 8:52 am

Hi Miranda! I just wanted to say: There's no need to feel guilty/bad about what you are going through at all. We will all probably have different experiences with some similarities. (e.g. how we feel, etc.)

There are others who have had it worse than me but who may not be able to write/talk about it!

Feel free! We are all here to help!! Say your mind. It's possible it may very well help!!

((((((((((( Miranda ))))))))))))))))))

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