Don't know how to explain myself...

[Broken_Doll_Baby]

How do I tell you who I am when I don't know who I am anymore?

I am a female who will be turning 45 this month, which is no biggie to me...the age or the date.

I just began online college courses in visual communications in the hopes to occupy my mind, but am having problems focusing and managing my time.

I don't work. I hate to go outdoors. I don't mind having the mini-blinds open on a sunny day, but never on cloudy days or in the dark. I hate the telephone and never answer it. I don't have anyone to talk to....no one who will listen or who can understand. I hate myself, my self. I hate to watch television. I hate the sound of it and I have come to hate the sound of people talking.

I have depression. I was hospitalized with it for over a year and underwent ECT for about 8 months. The worst part of the depression was eased with the ECTs and I've been "maintained" with medications since then.

I used to go see a counselor every 2 weeks, but when we moved and I got a different psychiatrist she didn't recommend one so I haven't talked to anyone in about 5 years now. I just see her for about 5 minutes every 3 months to get my medications renewed. If I mention I am having a problem I feel she doesn't believe me. I don't trust her so I don't say anything anymore.

She told me I am bi-polar, not depressed. I was previously diagnosed with PTSD and still suffer from a lot of horrible things from what brought that on. I also have BPD. I'm not suicidal anymore, even though I think about it, I just don't want to leave my granddaughter. But my depression is getting worse and worse.

That's me in a nutshell. Not worth a second look, not worth the time of day. Heck, even I wouldn't bother with myself if I weren't stuck in my own skin. I think that is why I was somehow led here...I went looking for someone, somewhere, to talk and here I am. I don't expect anything, though.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hi Broken_Doll_Baby,

Everyone here is worthy of respect and replies. As you are.

Welcome to the forums. There are many chatters here, some reply, some post, some just read. The key is we do care and do our best to give support. Another thing we all deserve.

Are you getting professional help? Talked with your family physician? Amazing doctors out there that can truly help. Just a thought.

We have a Depression-Understood chat room with many chatters there to talk with. Hope you check that out as well.

Hope to see you about more, do take care. Again, welcome.

Warmsoul

[Broken_Doll_Baby]

Thank you, I appreciate that. Only professional help I am getting now is that from my 5 minute visit every 3 months with my psychiatrist to get my meds renewed.

I wanted to explore more, but I was sore worn out and in tears writing my post above that I mentally shut down and just had to leave.

I have so many "have to's" that have to get done today and I don't know where to begin, where the beginning is, or why I should even do them, and yet my first impulse was to come in here to see if someone had noticed my posts last night. Morbid, I suppose.

I turned some music on and made myself some coffee/cocoa drink to try to wake up. I really do need to 'grow up,' focus, and get something done...I just don't know where to begin.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((( Broken Doll )))))))))))))))

You start slowly, something minor or simple. Perhaps talk to the family doctor, explain your situation and perhaps they can get you more time than 5 minutes.

Something to hold on to, perhaps, those grandchildren and children. A child's love is precious and that love can move mountains. What I believe.

Continue typing here, visit our chat room, get support from people that live the same situations as you do. It does help.

Warmie

[Broken_Doll_Baby]

I'm a bit confused today, but I'm also tired and lack motivation to do what I am supposed to have done.

My husband and I drove down-state to pick up our granddaughter. She will be 3 years old in less than a month and is the best thing in my life right now. I have been her other mommy since she was born because my daughter (her mommy) had a difficult time wrapping her mind around being a mother. Our granddaughter only knew me and her Pop (my husband) as her parent-type-figures because we were the only two people for the first year and a half of her life that took care of her. We allowed our daughter to live here, too, even though she didn't want to participate in caring for her daughter. We made her get a full-time job and start helping with the buying of the formula and diapers. Even though she was an adult we still gave her rules to live by such as asking us if we would take care of Fae-Lee so she could take off instead of just assuming it. We began charging her rent in order to prepare her for what it would be like when she was finally living on her own and we put most of the money aside into an account so that she had a lump sum to use to move with when the time came - much to her surprise and delight. I made sure that she came with me to all the major pediatrician appointments so she could get to know the docs and staff and they her. I never forced her to take care of Fae-Lee, though, because whenever I did she would either ignore her or act like what she had to do was such an inconvenience in her life. Whatever Fae-Lee needed or wanted, my husband and I got her, no matter how large, small, important, or menial...that sweet baby never wanted for nothing. Her father threw her away and her mother ignored her so there we needed to shower her with all the love and care a child needs and wants.

My daughter has since moved out and in with a boyfriend and Fae-Lee lives with them. They live about 2 1/2 hours south of us and my daughter is pregnant by this new boyfriend of hers. Everything she ever talks about is always the new baby and her boyfriend...she never volunteers information or news about Fae-Lee. I can understand that this boyfriend is accepting of the child he got her pregnant with, which she didn't have from the first boyfriend, and he's been financially supporting her, but they are both very immature and self-centered. Fae-Lee still has her bedroom here at Grammy & Pop's house, and always will, and comes here every month for no less than 2 weeks...she has stayed for a little over a month here before because my daughter and her boyfriend wanted some 'alone' time this past summer. Her boyfriend doesn't seem to desire any sort of close relationship with Fae-Lee, but his father and step-mother have at least reached out and accepted her. After all, she is going to be the big sister of their grandson-to-be (due this March!). My daughter has these odd ways of thinking when it comes to parenting. Instead of correcting Fae-Lee when she says or does something wrong, she just tells her to go lie on her bed. Actually, she yelled at her when we picked her up last night, but I was too shocked to say anything. The problem? Fae-Lee didn't ask the boyfriend something correctly. She wanted to be picked up to see her fish in the fish tank they put up on a high shelf. She is to refer to him as "Mister Jamie" and when she wanted to see her fish she walked up to him, raised her arms, and said "see fish." My daughter yelled at her not to be rude to Mr. Jamie like that and to lie on her bed. I asked her what she was rude about and she told me that they are teaching her to ASK people for things properly and that she should have asked him, "Mr. Jamie can I see the fish, please?" On that note, my husband (our daughter's father) told Fae-Lee it was time to go. We scooped her up, all that she was bringing and left.

Every single time my daughter sends clothes home with Fae-Lee for her to wear (we share some of them back-and-forth to save on money) I have to wash them right away because they smell so bad. Not dirty, just really gross...almost like they have been sitting in an old garage or down in a basement. My daughter flipped out when I told her once that I have to do this so I don't tell her anymore. We give Fae-Lee a good meal and a bath as soon as we get her home and she usually sleeps right between Grammy and Pop until she feels ready to go into her own bed in her own room, which takes a couple of nights.

My husband and I are the same two people who raised our daughter so we have no clue how she turned out the way she has. All three of our daughters have turned out to be aliens...not the same children we raised!

Our second oldest was a very good student, happy, tried different activities in school that interested her, didn't have to study too hard to make good grades, very likable, and had made her own decisions on what she would do after high school. She had planned on joining the military, going to chef school on the GI Bill, and working hard to become a top-notch chef. She had dreams of travelling and learning how to be one of the best pastry chefs, too. What does she do instead? She starts dating a guy, falls in "love," gives up on all her plans and dreams, starts working at McDonald's, spends every waking moment with her boyfriend, and has put on about 50 pounds. In March she asked me to take her to the doctor so she could go on birth control. Before they can do the internal they have her give some urine so they can do a pregnancy test. Guess what? Yep. That's not the bad part. I would have LOVED another baby in the family, but she decided to add murder to her list of things to do. I would have had a second grandchild born in December 2011 if she hadn't murdered him or her on May 10th. I begged, cried, and pleaded with her to let me have the baby. I told her that if it would have been too difficult for her to see me with the baby, then to give it a chance with another loving family. Nope, her and her boyfriend had plans to go to a few amusement parks that summer and being pregnant would have cramped her style, not to mention make her uncomfortable. I really wanted to kick her out of the house, but my husband wouldn't let me. She had the nerve to ask me to take care of her after the abortion and I told her to not even come near me until I could make peace in my soul and with God over what she was going to do. Her boyfriend's mother took care of her for a few days. I even asked her boyfriend what he wanted because the baby was his, too, but he said that it wasn't any of his business what she did. I'm just so sick in the heart that my daughter could be so cruel and heartless.

She still lives at home, still works at McDonald's, and is still with the same boyfriend. She jokes about the kids they will someday have and I tell her to go discuss it someplace else because I don't want to hear it. I used to think of her boyfriend as such a gentleman and nice fellow, now I think of him as a jellyfish, a pseudo-male with no backbone. We told our daughter at the beginning of this month that since she insists on treating us like her minions and our home as a rooming house, then she will start paying us rent beginning the first of February. She's not happy about it because her boyfriend just quit his job and they wanted to take a vacation in February for a couple of weeks. We told her "tough."

I know I'm telling you the worst of my oldest two daughters right now, but there is so much good that I remember about them from when they were younger and more innocent. I guess griping and groaning about their faults in this post helped me to forget about what is really bothering me right now and has helped to ease the pressure (anxiety) in my chest so that I think I can now go to bed.

No one here knows me yet, and I'm just so afraid. I'm afraid that once I open up I will never stop and it will never end. Right now, what hurts the most are the spikes of pain from the memories and the feeling of being held underwater in murky waters where I can't see in front of me further than a couple of feet. I can feel that fear around me, the darkness as the water goes deeper below me, and the surface of the water is too far above me to reach - unreachable. All my bad dreams include water...lots of water...overflowing water. I choke in it, I drown in it, and I often try to clean it up or try to prevent it from ruining things....lots of overflowing sinks, toilets, open windows that won't close or cars with no roofs. I wish I would just drown once and for all and wake up gone. I'm too tired to make sense now.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((( Broken_Doll_Baby )))))))))))))))))))))))

In my heart I can feel how difficult it was for you to write this out, to share. Thank you for trusting us to do this. You poured you heart out and I do hope this will help you to get through all you must.

How I wish I could make things right for you and the ones you love. Life throws some harsh curves, but I can see you being strong, for those that need you to do that. Like the love and care you shower Fae-Lee.

Stay as strong as you can, remember you are giving the love and stability that the baby needs.

Keep sharing, venting. We read, we support, we care.

Warmie