Depression Understood Forums

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum and seeking advice. I don't have a whole lot of experience with depression but would really appreciate some words of wisdom.

My boyfriend ended things between us last week because he wasn't happy. It came entirely out the blue - although he stated a few months ago that he felt his depression was returning - we had a lovely first Christmas together and he put a lot of thought into planning a wonderful birthday surprise for me. Although things haven't been plain sailing between us, there was nothing to indicate he was unhappy in the relationship.

We finally spoke again today and he's told me it's a mixture of both the depression and the relationship. We agreed to give each other some space for a bit and see how things go, but I'm really in two minds about what to do.

I want to give him the space he needs if he's not happy with me, and he has told me he wants to be alone when he is depressed and doesn't want or need any help. In my mind though, I feel like at this time he needs my support more than ever. I've read online that depressed people often push away those closest to them - but how do I know if this is what he's doing or if he's genuinely unhappy with 'us'?

Likewise, relationship status aside, he doesn't have any close friends or family over here so I still want to be there for him. I don't know how though. I don't want to leave him alone, I want him to know I'm happy to just sit in a dark room with him even if we don't speak or do anything, but it feels the more I offer my support, the more I push him away/he pulls away.

I feel like I shouldn't let him push me away, but I also don't want to make things worse. He really relies on having his own space so I think if I pressure him into seeing me, it's not going to help at all. But I don't want him to get into a spiral of just being by himself and getting worse and worse.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do?

I know where you are coming from.
My partner cancels every paln we have. They work as a freelancer and take ever job as they feel like they need to be more. Make more.
But keeps saying you will be happier without me and sometimes I feel like he is not working but just doesn't want to be with me and hopes to push me away and then I will end it with them

if you are still around let us know how things are going. I know it can be difficult when you are in a relationship and most of the time it is going good. But you do have to wonder if it is as good as its going to get and if it will just go downhill from there. If he doesnt want to change... well theres not alot of options.

Take care and keep in touch

Hi Suga371,

I really like the part where you said, “I want him to know I’m happy to just sit in a dark room with him…”. It says a lot about you as a person and how much you care about him.

He could be pushing you away because of the depression or because he is unhappy in the relationship, or both. I guess you won’t really know unless you have that talk with him when he is feeling better and can think more clearly.

You can still give your partner the space he needs without being absent.

A member on here called “Wonderwoman97” is in a somewhat similar situation to you. She is trying to help a friend she cares very much about whom seems withdrawn from her. So what she is doing is respecting his space, but still making her presence known. Perhaps try that.

What about just checking in on him every so often? Ask him how he is feeling. Ask if he needs anything. What is his favorite food? You could try cooking him something at home then bring it around to his place. Maybe bring around some flowers to put in the house to brighten it up. Send him a lovely card to let him know you are thinking of him. These are just examples. But the idea is to maybe try to do little things to show him you care, whilst still giving him space but also making your presence known. Just show him that you want to be there for him as a caring friend, with no expectations or pressure.

Please let us all know how it goes. I hope your partner's spirit lifts soon.