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Help... lost

Posted: Fri May 26, 2017 2:42 am
by Jim10196
Sometimes it's good to know that we're not alone in carrying the burden of a spouse with serious mental illness. It's a lonely burden... tonight was a scary blow-out. She wanted to leave, and was talking about suicide. I glued myself to her. Sat in the car as she told me to get out and said horrible things that broke me inside. I couldn't let her leave - not alone. But I didn't keep my composure. I finally snapped and told her that she was irrational and wrong and I am NOT leaving her alone because I DO, in fact, give a shi*. That's the short version... my heart is heavy. I love her more than life. The thought of losing her is unbearable. My fear took over and I became very angry... i wouldn't ever hurt her. I just raised my voice, mostly in fear, partially in anger... part of me thinks my emotion might have got the point across - but mostly I feel like a jerk, and weak for having given in to my fear and raised my voice with so much anger towards her. I wish I could have said all those things with a loving, calm, and controlled tone... but I don't know if she would have really heard me either way. I don't know if anything I said resonated in any positive way. Fortunately she went back inside and she is still home, in bed, safe, for now. I thought she was doing better. The last several days seemed like she was really getting better, then suddenly she did a complete 180. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow, afraid to leave her alone, afraid close my eyes...

Re: Help... lost

Posted: Fri May 26, 2017 8:21 am
by Louise
I hope you have support from other people because it sounds like you try very hard to do your best and people can be very draining. You cant expect yourself to be perfect all the time when supporting someone else.

Re: Help... lost

Posted: Fri May 26, 2017 2:00 pm
by abbymarie
I hope she stays with you. I just have a question. It's not meant to be offensive or anything. I'm just trying to make a decision on something. Would you rather know what she's going through or not know? Just trying to see what you think, since you have experienced knowing. Thanks, and I hope it gets better.

Re: Help... lost

Posted: Fri May 26, 2017 2:41 pm
by Jim10196
Abbiemarie, your question wasnt offensive at all. Its a very good question, and might be different for different people. But for me, I would personally much rather know what she's going through. Even if it's more difficult, because it means I can at least try to help, or prevent the worst. There have been times where I didn't know... and she was literally a moment away from going through with it. I don't know what stopped her, but I ache inside knowing now that she was at that point, and I wasn't there to help her. If she had gone through with it, I would have felt an enormous amount of responsibility, just for not knowing, or noticing. In this situation ignorance is definitely not bliss... it's scary. Unfortunately, knowing and trying to help is also extremely difficult and stressful. Sometimes I worry I might make things worse, like last night when I became extremely angry. She thought i was going to hit her. My anger wasnt any help...I'm so upset that she felt like I would hurt her. The thought never even crossed my mind. I'm not a violent person, I never have been. Every thing about who I am is against raising my hands against women. And even more so against my wife and children. Even so, I scared her, and I'm ashamed. But I wouldn't trade it for ignorance of what she is feeling, or how bad it has gotten. For the shear sake of her own safety... it's a difficult, complicated mess. I'm staying in touch with her today as much as I can while I'm at work... and I have been apologizing repeatedly for my anger... I just hope it hasn't completely changed how she sees me or feels about me...

Re: Help... lost

Posted: Fri May 26, 2017 2:56 pm
by abbymarie
I don't believe that she with think any less of you. I have been through things similar to her, and I think she is just scared. I also understand how you feel, and don't be ashamed for how you reacted. You have been through a lot just as she has. Just because you don't have the illness doesn't mean you can't react to things. It's hard and challenging, but you seem like the kind of person that can handle it, and she is lucky to have someone that can handle it and wants to help her. Let us know how things go.

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Re: Help... lost

Posted: Sun May 28, 2017 9:40 am
by Helloraspberries1
Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about your partner and how's she's feeling at the moment. I hope she's ok and is getting support from others at this difficult time. Has she been like this for a long time? Is she acessing any support from doctor or therapist?

It might be good to talk to someone how your feeling. There are helplines and organisations out there who can put you in touch with a support group for those who are supporting someone with a mental problem. Is this something you can look into for yourself?

As someone mentioned earlier maybe she can try and contact the suicide prevention service or crisis time and also the smaritians as they are helpful.

I hope these suggestions are helpful and good luck with everyone. Please keep in touch.

Kind Regards


Re: Help... lost

Posted: Mon May 29, 2017 2:59 pm
by Newbie7
Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time and I agree with you, you would much rather know than not know. It's the not knowing that makes it more difficult for me. As it makes me feel anxious and if there is something I should be doing. I've always found myself a patient person but being with my boyfriend I do find that it is tested a lot. This week was the first time we have a good and decent conversation about how he was feeling and we have been together a year. He is very good at putting on a brave face and he has never said but I believe that is because he has always handled it himself. I am gently trying to let him know that he doesn't need to anymore. Who knows if it will ever sink in but I love him enough to keep trying.

Hope you find the coming days easier :)