I need help, any advice?
Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 4:56 am
I'm new here, and my heart is already racing. Is it because I'm sharing my story? Because I'm not covering my search history right now? I have no idea. What i'm here to say though, is that I feel I might be depressed over something insignificant.
Back in first grade, I had been a main target of the bullies in school. They would usually target the shy, or those with little to no friends to support them. Since I had been gone most of kindergarten due to illness, they ultimately chose me to harass. Every day, they found something to poke fun at. "Stop rolling up your sleeves! You look disgusting." "You should loose some pounds, you're so fat." (I was underweight at the time) "What's that shirt for? Pink is stupid."
Lesson one: Do things to appease others, not yourself.
The last insult was dumb, I know. But being told that every day, I decided to change my style. Nothing major, but once they say that they could manipulate me, there was no stopping them. Next year in second grade, I had stopped listening to my teachers as much. I was secluded; And as stupid and cliche as this sounds, the janitor was my only friend. Acquaintance more like, but that's not important. A few days in, after their usual insults, the bullies had learned the teachers' shifts for watching us at recess. At recess the two bullies would push me around (and kicking if they could get me to fall over) and call me things like, stupid, or worthless; Along with the previous things I've mentioned.
After doing these things, they would run to the teachers coming in for their shift, and report me for bullying. Those teachers must have gone with the rule of "The customer is always right.", because once they were told something against me, they wouldn't stay to hear my side of the story. I was accused of bullying nearly every day for two (school) years.
Lesson two: I learned not to defend myself, verbally or physically.
Rumors spread like wildfire. No one would let themselves be seen with me, I sat alone at lunch, and if I sat with someone they would move. No one knew about the bullying towards me, but others were harassed as well. I once saw them pin a girl to a wall and call her a walrus and a cow, asking her how she could move because she so fat. I had tried to intervene, but one of them pushed me to the ground. Later, a teacher scolded me on how it was inappropriate to get involved in teacher only situations.
Lesson three and four: Don't get involved, stay quiet and mind your own business. Also, try to stay on your teachers' good side, maybe they'll let you off easier next time.
In fourth grade, I lost my great-great-grandpa. I had lived with him since I was five, he was hospitalized for hip injury and weakness due to old age. I was thrown into a state of no willingness to do my schoolwork, no willingness to ask questions in class, no willingness to care.
That's still not gone yet.
I feel as though this is such a minor thing. Why should I be depressed over something so insignificant? Others have been through so much worse than I have.
-Present Day
My parents are held together by a thread, that thread being me. A few years ago, my mom came to me and told me how I was the only reason she stayed with my dad. I try to not let it bother me, but every time I hear them yelling at each other, I can't help but feel responsible.
I had to talk my girlfriend out of suicide recently. It was a regular night and she just texted me out of the blue, saying that her dad was moving out because he was cheating. We talked for several hours over text and she finally calmed down and I felt a bit safer saying goodbye.
I'm lucky there's nothing sharp in my shower.
Recently, I've been seeking help in friends and depression chat rooms. My body feels lighter, it might help as a start to keep me afloat, but I'm going to need more than just moral support to rise to the surface. Heh, I sound so selfish.
Not so long ago I decided to send my mom an article on signs of depression in teens. When I came home from school and we talked, she was so calm.. It was nice to see that she had not broken down, but seeing her with such a blank response made it feel like she didn't care. That was last week, she hasn't said or done anything about it since, it's like she forgot our conversation.
Just last night, I had to actively talk myself out of vomiting in the toilet. I feel like I ate too much that day and I am/was very ashamed of myself.
What should I do? Is it okay to be not okay over something like this? I'm just so scared! What happens if I give up on just snapping rubber bands.. I don't think I want the answer.
Back in first grade, I had been a main target of the bullies in school. They would usually target the shy, or those with little to no friends to support them. Since I had been gone most of kindergarten due to illness, they ultimately chose me to harass. Every day, they found something to poke fun at. "Stop rolling up your sleeves! You look disgusting." "You should loose some pounds, you're so fat." (I was underweight at the time) "What's that shirt for? Pink is stupid."
Lesson one: Do things to appease others, not yourself.
The last insult was dumb, I know. But being told that every day, I decided to change my style. Nothing major, but once they say that they could manipulate me, there was no stopping them. Next year in second grade, I had stopped listening to my teachers as much. I was secluded; And as stupid and cliche as this sounds, the janitor was my only friend. Acquaintance more like, but that's not important. A few days in, after their usual insults, the bullies had learned the teachers' shifts for watching us at recess. At recess the two bullies would push me around (and kicking if they could get me to fall over) and call me things like, stupid, or worthless; Along with the previous things I've mentioned.
After doing these things, they would run to the teachers coming in for their shift, and report me for bullying. Those teachers must have gone with the rule of "The customer is always right.", because once they were told something against me, they wouldn't stay to hear my side of the story. I was accused of bullying nearly every day for two (school) years.
Lesson two: I learned not to defend myself, verbally or physically.
Rumors spread like wildfire. No one would let themselves be seen with me, I sat alone at lunch, and if I sat with someone they would move. No one knew about the bullying towards me, but others were harassed as well. I once saw them pin a girl to a wall and call her a walrus and a cow, asking her how she could move because she so fat. I had tried to intervene, but one of them pushed me to the ground. Later, a teacher scolded me on how it was inappropriate to get involved in teacher only situations.
Lesson three and four: Don't get involved, stay quiet and mind your own business. Also, try to stay on your teachers' good side, maybe they'll let you off easier next time.
In fourth grade, I lost my great-great-grandpa. I had lived with him since I was five, he was hospitalized for hip injury and weakness due to old age. I was thrown into a state of no willingness to do my schoolwork, no willingness to ask questions in class, no willingness to care.
That's still not gone yet.
I feel as though this is such a minor thing. Why should I be depressed over something so insignificant? Others have been through so much worse than I have.
-Present Day
My parents are held together by a thread, that thread being me. A few years ago, my mom came to me and told me how I was the only reason she stayed with my dad. I try to not let it bother me, but every time I hear them yelling at each other, I can't help but feel responsible.
I had to talk my girlfriend out of suicide recently. It was a regular night and she just texted me out of the blue, saying that her dad was moving out because he was cheating. We talked for several hours over text and she finally calmed down and I felt a bit safer saying goodbye.
I'm lucky there's nothing sharp in my shower.
Recently, I've been seeking help in friends and depression chat rooms. My body feels lighter, it might help as a start to keep me afloat, but I'm going to need more than just moral support to rise to the surface. Heh, I sound so selfish.
Not so long ago I decided to send my mom an article on signs of depression in teens. When I came home from school and we talked, she was so calm.. It was nice to see that she had not broken down, but seeing her with such a blank response made it feel like she didn't care. That was last week, she hasn't said or done anything about it since, it's like she forgot our conversation.
Just last night, I had to actively talk myself out of vomiting in the toilet. I feel like I ate too much that day and I am/was very ashamed of myself.
What should I do? Is it okay to be not okay over something like this? I'm just so scared! What happens if I give up on just snapping rubber bands.. I don't think I want the answer.