Depression Understood Forums

I have a dear friend whom I love very much. We were really close and he confided in me things he didn't with others. He helped me a great deal through a difficult time in my life and I was always there for him to talk over his difficulties with a break up, love life issues, sadness, etc. He has always gone through phases with me of being distant or even a little hostile (never over the top, just mild) and always has come back, being his kind, caring self. For no apparent reason, the last three months he has completely stopped speaking to me. Won't answer phone calls, texts, FB messages, not even a thank you for a Christmas gift I sent. I don't hound him constantly, just a once a week kind of check in to let him know I'm still here.
I can't for the life of me understand why he has been actually cruel, so it seems. He clearly parties with his buddies, does things, etc. yet when I was visiting him he declared his lack of interest in life, frustrations, stress, etc., and showed clear signs of depression, as I've always seen in him. He talked a lot with me about his difficulties and said that I had helped him. Then he slowly started backing away until finally, no response whatsoever, just to me, though. I see he is still hanging with other friends. I am at a loss as to what to do. I feel maybe I should walk away and never contact him again, but I feel more deeply that I want him to know I'm here if he ever does want to talk to me again. Any suggestions?

Hi,

Welcome!

(((Hugs)))

Welcome to the forum browneyedgirl. For what it's worth, my experience as a chronically depressed person is that it's more comfortable to push away people I care about and keep the people around that I don't care about. If I do something wrong or they do something wrong, hey, I didn't really want to be around them any way.

But even depressed people get lonely. And when I was young, it seemed socially acceptable to hang out with someone, anyone. Being a loner made me a target. So much of my life is filled with memories of not even wanting to try [I realize, now, that's not quite what was going on but]. It hurt so much to disappoint people I cared about. I was and still is a catch 22; of course I want to be around people I care about, people who interest or attract me. There are so many scars though, from disastrous social experiences.

So the better choice is often to keep the most important people at a distance. I know, sounds loopy doesn't it. And sometimes the way I do it is to act disinterested. I had an excruciating visit with my daughter yesterday. We exchanged presents, talked a bit about each other, we hugged. But I missed her so much (we rarely get to see each other) and my mind and life are such a disaster. I just want to do my best and be my best but that's so often not possible. This time it was great. I'm so proud of her and she is doing well. But she has grown up knowing intrinsically (funny how kids learn even when your not teaching) to keep some distance, and all I've ever wanted was to be closer.

Guess we can't have everything we want. I wonder what it is you want from your friend. I mean (fair warning, I'm an engineer) if you could sit down with a pencil and paper and sketch out the components of the relationship you want with your friend; what would it look like. I ask this because i wonder if either of you have a clear idea.

Let's you did have a blue print of the relationship you wanted and you took the clearest simplest parts (and my guess is they would also be helpful to him) and explained why you wanted to be around him. It's easy for relationships to get cluttered with less important issues that weigh it down. If you two have been around for a while, there may be memories he is evading which are only tangentally connected to you. You have the opportunity to see him from a distance right now and that may be helpful later on in a closer situation.

I apologize for blathering on. I hope this helps in some way.

You two were pretty close so it's quite cruel of him to cut you out of his life without any explanation. You may have done something that has triggered him off. I don't know how often you used to talk or see each other but maybe you're doing too much? FB, calls and texts every week, it's obvious that he received them but decided not to reply. So maybe give him some space, before you get on his nerves and he blocks/deletes you. I know that is it frustrating not know why this is happening but don't focus too much time on him.

Have you fallen for him or you just love him as a friend? It may have been something that you did or things may have changed in his life - new girlfriend, new friends etc. so don't take this personal. You may also remind him of that sad person he used to be and he is trying to distant himself from the past and as you know so much about him you are pretty much attached to that part of him.

You have made the effort already so if he cares about your friendship he will get back in touch (please do not wait for this as it may not happen) so move on with your life. It is a shame as you care for him deeply but friendships aren't one sided, if he doesn't appreciate you, find others who will. You can keep that door opened for him and maybe someday he will come back... x

Thank you, all of you! To answer some questions, no. I am not in love with him, just very close friends. I can't think of anything I did. He always said he shared things with me he didn't with others, and he also helped through a rough time and was a very sweet, protective, supportive friend. He has been telling me for months (before he stopped all contact) that he is stressed and incapable of emotion and could only be distant. I can see, however, that he is going to parties, hanging out with buddies, etc. I am confused. I thought just a hello once a week would remind him that I'm here and still care, but if it's driving farther away, I will stop contact. I guess I just don't want him to feel abandoned.
I appreciate the insights. Asked what I want from the relationship, just for him to talk to me, really, right now, as he used to. I miss the friendship. You are each so kind to take the time to respond and offer your help. I have been in the deep black hole of depression often, but am doing well this past few years, just feel the pain of situational sadness, like that of losing my best friend.

Frame, I am really sorry about your visit with your daughter. My dad is distant with all of us, so I treasure every effort he makes to reach out. Being reminded that he loves me, even in a way isn't as demonstrative as I'd wish, really is priceless, and I admire you for the effort you put into having a relationship with your daughter. I hope things become less painful for you.

browneyedgirl wrote:I guess I just don't want him to feel abandoned.

You don't want him to feel abandoned yet it is OK for him to abandon you? What kind of friend does that? He is obviously busy partying with his other friends so no need to worry about him and focus on yourself.

Find some new friends, that's what I did when one of my friends cut me out his life for no reason. 3 years later he decided to drop by my house in the middle of the night and wanted to chat. It had been 3 years since we've been in touch but I still cared about him. We drove around and spoke for hours and at the end I asked if we will keep in touch, he said no then drove off. What a fool was I to care all these years but after that incident I really don't give a damn anymore.

That really helped me grow up and stop being so naive, I was always nice to people but didn't get the same back. I'm only nice to people who deserve it now, be selective! Cheer up and move on *hugs*

Hello browneyedgirl,
Firstly, I'm so sorry you've lost a friendship that meant so much to you. (maybe, only temporary)

Secondly, you mentioned that he has a new group of friends that he spends his time partying with. I hate to ask, but could drugs be an issue? If so, this could explain why he spends so much of his time with new "friends," to the exclusion of yourself. This is only a thought that I had to consider...

I'm sorry your old friend is ignoring you without explanation. You must truly feel abandoned, after being so close to him. Hopefully, he'll come back around.

And Merry Christmas.

4EverMe

Hey hi
First of all hearty welcome to this forum.
I really really want to appreciate that u have the strength to think about the possibilities of u being at fault. That's really courageous of u, because one needs to have courage to honestly find their own mistakes! Right?
Ur story gives a crystal clear idea about the intensity of ur friendship with him.
U said he has been partying and hanging out with other friends.
I know it's hard to believe...but i think, he is NOT hanging out for funnn. May be he is trying hard to run away from his own self.
See, it's very common that wen u feel depressed and low mood... that time, u just feel like to stay within ur own shell. But sometimes u just want to run away from that depressed person who lives within ur own self. U just don't feel like giving urself a chance to feel depressed or to mourn over things that make u feel low. And partying and hanging out with those who don't know him from within inside...it's damm so easy to hide tears and depression or just low mood from them. It's natural to hide ur emotions from those who don't know u from within inside. This category of friends easily believe ur fake smile and ur fake "hey dude, what's up" attitude.

But things are totally opposite in ur situation. U both seems not only just emotionally connected to each other but it also seems like, u both used to be a part of each other's routine day to day life.

U know about each other sooo much that he perceives u almost like a mirror. He just CAN NOT hide his deep seated whirlpool of emotions (which he tries to hide from others) from u...even if he tries hard.
He knows very well that u r sooo kind and caring hearted person who will always be ready to listen him and whip off his tears. Hard to digest i know but May be that's the reason he is running away from u...because he is already trying to run away from himself on the first place.
I know... I know, that ur care and lovely friendship for him do not deserve this. But let us try to give him some space and he will surely come back to u.

And yea one more thing, whenever he comes back to u, or makes a brief contact with u...try not to ask about his whereabouts of all these days, why he dint attend ur msgs and calls etc...why he was partying and hanging out with others while ignoring u! Don't let him feel that he has hurt u....try to be as casual as possible. U seems smart...u know what i mean.
But yes, when things come back to normal...u shld let him know very politely and in a loving way that when he behaves like this...it really makes u feel sad...and you feel like he is never going to get back to u. He will understand...no doubt about that...because he has always understood u when u were going thru hard times in ur life. Right!

However, if whatever i said above is not the case.
Then i wud say, that u try to check if u have ever tried to know about his whereabouts and about his friends and all other stuff...like toooo much!
U know it happens....u myt have been asking all these things just to make friendly conversations or just to make him feel connected wen he used to feel sad....but on the contrary, May be he took it in a little bit of interfering types....which of course he shld not have. Because he is damm sooo lucky to have a friend like you.
I wish i had one like YOU!

Okay ok Now don't entangle ur wires of head and heart around this. Just give him and all of this some time. Everything is okay...and will be great...just stay calm. Okayee!
By the way, do u have brown coloured eyes?? Because mine are. Ha ha ha.
Give a smile to urself because u have been good to everyone so far. Use this time to focus on ur own self for a while.
Take care.

Sara.

@Ieris
hey do u have some degree in psychology or something like that. No seriously. I mean, whenever i read ur posts...the only thing that comes to my mind is..."Oooohh yes, that is also possible...why dint I think that way".
Many times, i find answers to my own personal questions while reading ur posts. Plus i likeur approach...it's like a blend of emotional and practical approach.
Thank u. I wud like to know more about u.
Sara.

@4everme
u have been taking really looong breaks...eh!
Ha ha just kidding...how have u been!
I sent u a few PMs.

So sorry to hear you've lost your friendship, I truly know now this feels believe me.
All me friends have turned their backs on me and left me to suffer alone.

Always here.

Bless all of your hearts. Those are great, insightful answers and I appreciate them so much and will take them to heart ! Merry Christmas to you all!

Merry Christmas to you too!

(((Hugs)))

I am feeling more peaceful now. Today was actually a lovely day. So many Christmases have not been. I am from a background of severe long term childhood abuse and neglect and have PTSD so I've had some bad days and this situation with my friend has really gotten to me, but I was really helped just being able to come here and get some support and understanding. I decided to "let him go" in the sense of letting him be for a while and focusing on the blessings I have, my beautiful child, loving friends, and so much I never had as a child. I am glad I found this group. I hope I can be as kind and helpful to someone on here as you all have been to me. I miss my friend and hope he'll most of all be well and happy but also that we can be friends again. I am learning to find joy in noticing the good things and feeling so thankful that things are so much better in my life than they ever were.

Glad to hear that.

(((Hugs)))