Dating and Depression

[Becca13]

Hi everyone, I am very new to this site but I would appreciate it if I could share my situation and hear what advice you may have for me.

So, my boyfriend of almost a year struggles with depression. I became aware of this several months into our relationship but I knew he was not worth giving up on. I did everything I possibly could to help him, and soon enough it passed. Since then, he has had low points on and off but it is to be expected and we work though it.

However, he has recently had a worse spell of it and to make matters worse, I will be leaving for post-secondary school in another city very very soon. He is open about his depression with both his family and me, he also asks for the help he needs (and is considering seeing a therapist in the future). I know he is working hard to take care of himself and I can see that he is slowly coming out of it like he always manages to, but I am quite nervous about leaving. Will he go back to square one? I would really like to hear from both those who have/ had depression and friends or family on how I can continue to give support once the distance changes our situation?

Thank you!

[Frame]

Hi Becca;
I hope you'll forgive me for being blunt, but before I do let me welcome you to the forum and say it does my heart good to read of an advocate proactively seeking answers. That said, I have done a lot of searching and I'd like to share one bottom line concept (disclaimer; I'm not a professional). Depression is an evolved reaction found in many life forms. It is a survival response to stress of various kinds. Chronic depression is the result of some underlying chronic stress. The "chronic" part changes. Our hearts, minds, and bodies over time. But focusing on depression is like laying on the beach and focusing on the sun burn.

I'm saying this because I very much care that your relationship grow in a healthy sustainable way. In the short term, treating symptoms will increase the quality of everyone's life; however, my experience is that, to build a strong healthy relationship both parties need to understand and agree that there are deeper issues to be addressed in future. Root causes are often very difficult to dislodge, but denial and hiding is toxic (again, in my experience but check it out...). So it may be something to discover, to change, perhaps to accept, but it's important to address early and openly.

[Frame]

That said Becca, for your boyfriend merely to have someone he can admit to, that there might be something in his past which he can't presently deal with; that can be tremendously therapeutic. He may never have had someone he could trust enough to say this. And it doesn't have to be you. It could be a therapist; if you feel strong enough it could be you. But I truly believe you need to know it's being addressed somehow, and not just with drugs.

Now; to answer your question (again I'm not a proffessional but) I had a therapist once tell me the deep lows will never get shallower. When I'm really low I'll always I'll always plumb the depths. The work we do helps to make wider the span of time between lows and to narrow span of time we spend there. I'd say that's pretty much been accurate.

I hope none of this scares you because I want so much for you and your bow to be happy and grow together.

Oh one more thing. I believe chronic depression, when understood, even if we can't eradicate it, can be a useful tool.

[hollyann]

Hi Becca. Its understandable to be worried about if your boyfriend will be affectedly badly by your going back to school. It can go either way. But also if you stayed because of him that could make things hard for him to.

As far as what you can do, maybe pick a certain time, or days that you'll call, or be able to see him. This way it reinforces that you are still there for him.

A therapist is a good idea if he will do it.

[Becca13]

Thank you for your responses. I do realize that depression is not something that will just go away, which is why I am continually looking for ways I can support him.nd as for an underlying reason, I believe some of it may sfrom his previous experience with bullying. That aside, he is very honest about everything and while there has been some struggle we have been following the suggestion of regular communication so things are goingn better than I expected. I know we still have a lot ahead of us and I think I will continue to discuss the therapist option with him. I am strong but I feel he needs advice from someone educated in the field. Thank you again! Any other advice is appreciated should anyone have some