Family doesn't "Get Me"

Depression/anxiety may have touched your family, your friends, yourself; what helps you to deal with it? Sharing is caring!

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BlueWhovian
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:18 am

Family doesn't "Get Me"

Postby BlueWhovian » Sat Aug 03, 2013 5:54 am

So I, like many others I have seen post here, have to deal with family who doesn't understand me.

My Dad: My dad does seem to sort of get how I feel. He himself has had to go on antidepressants and medications and spend time in a hospital, so he understands. I went in the hospital for observation once while living there because I called, afraid to tell them, but called our local Dispatch Office and a deputy came out and told them and said I needed to be observed. Dad's girlfriend calmed down for the night but after that went back to treating me like dirt. At one point after moving I was put in a mental health facility when all I went to the ER for was being unable to breathe. I told my dad on the phone and he told me to "stop it and act right". It really hurt and I spent the rest of my time in there just as depressed as when I came in. He always let his now ex-girlfriend yell at me and talk down to me. I remember once she told us dinner was ready, I put away my homework and went in the kitchen just to have her scream at me that I needed to stop eating, that I stayed up all night and ate every thing, I was just going to keep on until I had to stab myself in the arm for diabetes and lose my legs, that my arteries were gonna harden and I was going to die. All anyone ever did was scream at me and call me a liar. I even caught my sister sneaking food late at night and they refused to believe that it wasn't me. I also found out later that most of my things they were supposed to send me from home are now ruined by her chain smoking. Most of my things were gifts from my grandma and uncle that I cannot replace.

My mom: I don't know if she really knows how it is, she just sees me as "Oh hey, move in with me and we'll lie to get you disability and medicated up and free stuff!" She could care less if I was happy. She even wants me to move back to Kentucky and leave my husband here in North Carolina. She used to tell my sister and I that we didn't need to get married and have kids because they will ruin your life.

My sister: She's the younger of the two of us and very negative and opinionated. She always says it's my fault, I just want attention, I need to grow up, I'm faking it, I need to grow a pair etc. Yet she has to deal with the same things I did. She's made fun of, doesn't have friends, she yells at every one, argues with everyone, always tries to prove them wrong.

My aunts and uncles are a different story. Most of them do understand what I'm going through, as they know everything that has ever happened in my life, however I have one aunt that I cannot stand. She thinks I'm making it all up, I'm just always in a bad mood because I stay up too late, that I'm lazy, I just want attention, she thinks I don't need children of my own because I can't stand her heathens that she can't even raise herself. I even have to block her from seeing anything that I post to facebook because the one time that I colored my hair a color I have wanted to try for a long time, she made fun of it and my sister told me about it. She told me not to move to North Carolina to be with my husband because I would end up dead, she would tell me to leave boyfriends that I was with when I lived back home and always tried to set me up with 40 year old men she worked with. She told everyone that I wouldn't make it when I moved to North Carolina, I'd come home. When my husband and I got married everyone it wouldn't last. I can't stand being alone and the one time I posted that I wanted to get a dog, she told me I didn't need a dog. She tries to tell me how to live my life, yet tells people "in secret" something different. There have been countless times her kids have repeated something she said to them and she quickly said "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO REPEAT THAT!" She does the same things to my sister.

My husband's family are the same way. They cut ties with their own members and cut ties with us just because I stood up to them when my husband wouldn't. They think I'm just lazy and even told my Thirteen year old sister-in-law that we owed them money but knew we didn't have it because "He has to feed his wife." They think I make up all my problems.

Really I'm tired of feeling the way I do, looking the way I do, always being afraid of everything, being lonely, I've been basically homeless three times in the last few years and now dealing with a landlord that triggers all of this and hardly anyone to turn to. I thought family was supposed to support you. I don't know how to make them see how I feel.

Alaska1958
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Jul 06, 2013 11:23 pm

Postby Alaska1958 » Sat Aug 03, 2013 6:33 am

Greetings,

I have a pretty small family myself, but they are all very loving and supportive. I'm sorry to hear that your family members sound like they are a little too self absorbed to be able to be of much help to you. It's hard to imagine that you will be able to change their attitudes. Rather, you might be better off trying to make some good new friends who can better relate to you and your situation.

Do you have a therapist? If you're in a place where you could get one, they might be able to offer you more specific suggestions. When I was 19 I went into a local mental health clinic and got some decent therapy, but that was back in the late 70s and I think they had more financial support for public health then.

Who, in your family is the most supportive? Your dad maybe? Any chance you could improve your relationship with him or perhaps your sister?

Feel free to write and tell us more, there are many here and our experiences and relationships vary widely.

Good luck, reaching out for help and new friends is a good start.

Frame
Moderator
Posts: 1081
Joined: Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:25 am
Location: Pennsylvania

Postby Frame » Sat Aug 03, 2013 7:12 am

One thing, Blue, that I'd like to mention. It doesn't change reality, but I've come to believe that people act out their own self image; that means your aunt is reacting to the way she feels. You may only be the convenient target.

So what that means to me is:
A) No matter what you do to make peace or change your life, you'll probably get no credit from her. She's probably chosen you as a sounding board. So I urge you not to let her direct your life in any important way; it's miss-direction.

B) There is always hope that her attitude toward you will change for the better. What you do to change your life won't be a factor. But if her life changes, if somehow she begins to respect herself, if whatever stone in her shoe is removed, your relationship may improve.

BlueWhovian
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:18 am

Postby BlueWhovian » Sat Aug 03, 2013 11:18 am

Alaska1958 wrote:Do you have a therapist? If you're in a place where you could get one, they might be able to offer you more specific suggestions. When I was 19 I went into a local mental health clinic and got some decent therapy, but that was back in the late 70s and I think they had more financial support for public health then.

Who, in your family is the most supportive? Your dad maybe? Any chance you could improve your relationship with him or perhaps your sister?

Feel free to write and tell us more, there are many here and our experiences and relationships vary widely.

Good luck, reaching out for help and new friends is a good start.

I don't have a therapist but probably need one. The times I was in the hospital weren't by choice and then the doctor never saw me, they just gave me meds and sent me on my way. I could never get an appointment with my doctor, tried disability and was denied, I don't have insurance or the hundreds of dollars for a doctor. Having my meds would probably help me, I've been trying to do everything on my own and I don't feel like it's working. Every time I go to the doctors I get so many different results. My husband was in the Air Force before we were married and can get VA stuff but is too afraid to do so because of how things went when he tried once before. I always wondered if I would be covered if he did get it.

As far as who is more supportive with my dad and my sister, my dad is but I don't want to burden him with my junk. He's having to deal with moving back into his house and getting away from his abusive ex.


Frame wrote:One thing, Blue, that I'd like to mention. It doesn't change reality, but I've come to believe that people act out their own self image; that means your aunt is reacting to the way she feels. You may only be the convenient target.

So what that means to me is:
A) No matter what you do to make peace or change your life, you'll probably get no credit from her. She's probably chosen you as a sounding board. So I urge you not to let her direct your life in any important way; it's miss-direction.

B) There is always hope that her attitude toward you will change for the better. What you do to change your life won't be a factor. But if her life changes, if somehow she begins to respect herself, if whatever stone in her shoe is removed, your relationship may improve.

I do my best Frame, I usually try to ignore her, but it all gets clogged in my head and sticks with me. Others have told me this same thing and that's the only conclusion I can gather.

BlueWhovian
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Aug 01, 2013 6:18 am

Postby BlueWhovian » Mon Aug 12, 2013 9:54 pm

So recently it's been my husband who I feel isn't getting me and I'm not sure why. He knows how I feel about certain things, things I would like to do, things I don't like etc.

We've been having to wait on someone to come fix this truck for a month now. For two weeks he stayed at someone's house while I was stuck home alone, going out of my mind. Instead of just coming home, he went and bought a Wifi thing so I would have internet at their house and told me that I can't live without the internet and had them come get me. To him it may not have came across that way but to me it made it seem like I'm an internet addict and embarrassed me. I don't know these people and never met them until he had them pick me up and has been staying at their house for months. The first day out of our house with them was fine, I was comfortable but as the days have gone by I've slowly started to get annoyed and depressed again, just like I did at home alone.

The tv is so freaking loud that it makes me on edge all the time, my husband is then loud and gets on my nerves, it's hot and miserable and I can't breathe and my legs and feet have swollen to three or four times their size. They have 5 little dogs in the house and the dining room carpet is disgusting and squishes when you walk on it because they let the dogs use the bathroom all over the house and they still walk around barefoot, their house is overran with roaches, dogs and cats have messed up and used the bathroom in the master bedroom and ruined it, places in the floor are just waiting to fall through and we have no privacy other than in the bathroom and then there isn't even a knob on the door so everyone can see inside.

It's starting to get on my nerves, I've started washing myself off every time I go to the bathroom, every night before bed, every morning when I get up. I can feel the roaches on me and have even been bitten by ants, I can't stand the nastiness of the carpets in the house to my bare feet and they've ruined my socks.

He wants to move in to this place, which will end up costing us more in the long run if we rent a room from them. I want us to stop renting from people and moving around and just get our own house. I feel like a jerk and just keep thinking I should give the ultimatum and tell him I'm leaving unless he does get us our own house, but I can't do that because I love him and want to be with him. I just wish he would listen instead of get mad when I try to talk to him about things or make excuses.


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