Asking for help; please.

[Pilule]

Frame

Beware of clinical study.

I was in one, once. I tried different medication and/or placebo. These are medications that are not available yet, so if it works, once the study is over, you can't get that medication.

Once I started seeing a shrink, a few years later, he asked me if I could find out what meds I tried, to save us from trying the same meds with no results.

I was told by the clinic, that ran the study, that it was too long ago (4 years) and it was too complicate for them to go and look for my file. That's the thanks I got for wasting one morning a week for 3 months and getting poked. probed and having needle stuck in me.

[Pilule]

Frame,

One question, once you're on welfare or on social security, do they provide you with medical help?

[Frame]

I don't read the paper and I try not to watch the news, but I do pay attention; and it appears to me that government assistance is very uneven. It's a bureaucracy. They don't give you anything unless you ask and ask in the right way. There are people who know the system who can apply the right pressure to the system and get all sorts of benefits. There are others who can't or don't know how to ask, or people just to proud; they're just not going to receive benefits. It has little to do with real need. Of course there are tests, and forms, and required evidence but with the tightening budgets the bar keeps getting set higher and the process is more complicated. That makes it harder for in people real distress to get what they need when they need it. For unscrupulous people who have the time and patience it's still just a bit more work.

Now; Pilule asked a question and I answered it as if I know what I'm talking about. But I haven't gotten to that point yet and I haven't the time or energy to drag my sister through it. So I really don't know what I'm talking about, haven't been through it; but I know there are people here who have. I'd really like to know if my concerns are founded or I'm just being cynical. Is help out there for those who really need it or is it just about greasing the squeaky wheel?

Thanks to anyone who knows and cares to respond.

[Pilule]

One of my cousin got into trouble with a kid and a boyfriend, from another country, that vanished. She told about it to my other cousin who was in the same situation a few years back and she gave her some advice on how to go trough the red tape much easier. Today they are both free of welfare and have jobs.

I have another friend who has been on welfare for 35 years, for mental illness, although, today, I think he just playing the system.

What I'm getting at is try to find somebody to ask how it works, it might save you a ton of work.

[4EverMe]

That last sentence? Yikes!! I'm sure this does not help your depression one bit. Do you have any new plans, as of yet?

[Frame]

Last sentence? what?

The "...knows or cares..."? I know people care; I meant about the well-fare system.

If you meant "...squeaky wheel..."; um well yea part of this was in answer to Pilule. Part was nudged by an ever more belligerent sister. She basically does nothing to contribute to our own well fare, doesn't communicate, and when I ask she blames everyone but herself for her life situation. I realize she has ostracized everyone else in our family and I'm really not special in that regard. Her actions in the last nine months have been to use, and tak, and not give back. It's not the real attitude of a sister. Not even a tenant. And most likely the only thing holding her back from attempting to be willfully hurtful is that she knows she could loose her place to sleep.

On a brighter note, I know there are people out there with living situations much more challenging than mine. I don't want to seem ungrateful. I know I'm still blessed with a home of my own; just with at least one big irritant. Not sure where to apply the grease.

[4EverMe]

I hear you Frame. Sorry about my posting mistake. Somewhere, on your page here, I meant to reply to your post where you'd mentioned your sister being maybe more delusional than depressed. (Hope I've used the right words) When I returned to this page, I wondered what the heck happened to the post I'd responded to! Lol...My bad...

[4EverMe]

Frame, I also wanted to ask you if she atleast cleans the house?? She should also have something made for dinner when you come home for work! Maybe give her an ultimatum? I'd write a list of things that need done for each day, like...on a rotating basis. That shouldn't be too hard. If she refuses, tell her she has to leave the house while you're at work .
If I were you, I'd also make it a point to check and see that she completes the chores correctly.

[SMcGregor]

Be generous and understanding and kind. Don’t judge, just heal. Help each other to heal.

More important is forgiveness, it is a huge issue in life. Often it is misunderstood and yet it is essentially for yourself – so that you can move forward in your life.

[Frame]

I completely agree SMcGregor, about forgiveness. Forgiveness is for the forgiver. I believe that one of my sisters root troubles is that, steeped in feelings of powerlessness, she views every problem as a hurt against her. She's built up a wall of perceived hurts she can't let go of. She doesn't understand that forgiving is healing.

Judgment, on the other hand, I believe is essential. Random acts of kindness may feel good presently; but it requires awareness, discernment, judgement to choose the correct path toward healing.

[Frame]

Case in point SMcGregor (and 4Everme this might answer part of your question);

Before my sister came to live with me, she was in crisis and asking for help, ideas, opportunities. I have a set of actions (disciplines really) that I suggest to anyone who is in crisis. I do my very best not to judge anyone as good or bad; but I believe if someone wants your help it is essential to judge whether your actions are helping. It's not just important to love but to discern whether your love is supportive and helping a person develop their gifts. Love is not a fuzzy feeling (that's lust or hate) but action. Love is what you do every day to make a better world.

When she came to live with me I took her on a tour, showed her where important agencies were, how to get around. And I went through those positive actions anyone should do. We set goals that she agreed were important. One of those actions is study. Another is volunteer work. One more is getting up early every day and staying on a steady sleep schedule.

It has taken her seven months to get a three hour a week volunteer job. In a way, I could see this as partly my failure, but if you read deeper into this situation you'll see I haven't the energy, most people think I'm doing more than I should, and I need to forgive myself too.

For six months I told her she needed to get up regularly at a reasonable hour. She ignored me with indignation, lying in bed all morning, and puttering around all day, pretty much getting nothing done. So two months ago I forced her to get out of the house before I left for the day and not come back during normal working hours. I had to enforce my decree a couple times but she abides now.

I asked her before she moved in, what was the thing she felt she needed the most and she answered safety. Three months later I asked if she felt she was safer and she said she was. So I asked her what was the next most important thing. She said clarity; to which I responded we all have to get a good nights sleep in order to have clarity (she has struggled for years with insomnia). So three months later I forced her to get up each morning and a month after that, I asked her if she was sleeping better. And she said yes.

I've given her (or helped her attain) the two most important things on her self improvement list. But for me forcing her to do those things, she refuses to forgive. She won't even talk to me without bitter recrimination. No, I don't have to judge. It would be much easier to take the advice of family and friends, and throw her out completely. My act of love is in judging what actions she needs to take to become whole. It's tough on both of us.

[Pilule]

If it was you wife, would you put up with all that crap?

Your sister reminds me of rebellious teenager, angry with the world, and you being the closest thing to the world, you're paying for it.

[Frame]

Those are sage words Pilule.

I never had a bond of understanding with my sister that was as close as it was with my wife. And in some ways my wife was as delusional (not at all so much), belligerent, and recriminating (makes me question my roots).

But in many ways I don't put up with my sisters crap. That's why she won't speak to me. And in many ways, I didn't put up with my wife's crap. She saw she had other options and she left. I didn't want her to. It was better for her, better for me, but not better for my daughter. I often wish, at least for my daughters sake, I had the strength to put up with my wife's crap. People change. People grow. But, for us, not fast enough.

My sister does not see other options. It's unfortunate how closed down her mind is. Otherwise, she would be long gone; would never have needed to arrive. So until my only option is to be completely rid of her; our challenge is to open her mind to new options. In many ways she is that teenager, overwhelmed by the world, shutting down. Remaining open to the world ensures pain; pleasure also to be sure, but pain.

But then, if we look deeply enough, there is beauty in our struggle.

[Pilule]

50% of marriages end up in divorce. Your daughter had one chance out of two to be one of them. It's so common nowadays that kids have a lot of friends in the same situation. They support each other without even knowing it.

For sure it's a traumatic experience for a kid. I once read that it's harder, for a kid, to see his parents divorce than it is to see one of them die. I'm a little skeptical though. If you're at each other throat all the time, in the long run, it's probably better for the kid that his parents split up.

It probably gives them a life experience that most of the people our age never had. I wouldn't be surprised that, in a way, it makes them stronger.

When my sister separated from her boyfriend, I got so depressed, I had one of my worst episode but my two nephews, who where in the middle of it, took it much better than me, although I'm not a good reference....