Asking for help; please.

[Frame]

I need advice. I need help; I am not good at asking for help.
OK, I'm the one with depression. But I'm coming to wits end over my sister.
OK, she probably has depression too, but most of my family thinks she has aspergers.

I let her move into my house six months ago. She had been out of work for three years and was being evicted. It's just me and her now. I've come up with all kinds of metaphors in the last six months. Most of them I shouldn't repeat. I'm struggling financially and emotionally. She simply refuses to contribute or commit to any kind of treatment of self improvement. She lies in bed 10 or 12 hours a day. She's more and more callus about abusing my generosity and even though there are lots of problems there to be solved my crisis here is that the situation is eroding my own self image and my ability to empathize with her.

I wish I could be gentle and understanding, but in six months empathy has made things worse, not better. Any creative solutions....Please.

[Frame]

Ok, fine; so no one any suggestions. So after consulting all my family members, I wrote her a letter telling her she has to change or leave. This was the unanamous suggestion. So I'm being proactive in taking care of myself and in not enabling destructive behaivior.

I did something that's hard for me, that of coherent writing. So why do I not feel a boost from doing the right thing? Why can't I pat myself on the shoulder for acting like a grownup? I feel.horrible. I feel, "well that sucks". I'm not a magician; I didn't make the problem disappear; so once again I'm unworthy. i just want the world to go away.

[nenkohai]

Frame,

assuming life continues to "suck," what's next?

I mean, you're wading out into a river, stretching out your arms and trying to make it stop. How well is THAT working?

My point is NOT to make you feel worse, bro. Shit WILL happen, there's no escaping it. So, re-orient yourself to the shit. Literally, re-orient your mind to understand that you CAN control what you do and what you say.

And you need to (really really NEED) give yourself the permission to not have the urge to change people or the world at large. Give yourself that mercy. Its okay.

Maybe just start there - work at giving yourself that permission and mercy. Yes, its a sort of self-preservation, but the more your work at it and practice that, you can move into a calmer head-space.

Regardless of what you do, I hope things improve for you.

Best

[Frame]

Thank you nenkohai;

Your right; someone somewhere taught me I have an obligation to change the world. It's kind of stuck. I know that all suffering, all peace, all possible change exists within ourselves. I can't seem to separate the two.

I've always said that my life is like a river; it takes me where it goes regardless of what I want. I laugh about it; talk about it. I can never really seem to accept it.

[klmm]

I agree totally, you cannot help your sister, any more than anyone on this forum can really change a person either. Not that having a sympathetic ear is a bad thing...certainly not! However, realistically, I understood when I came into this forum that really, the only one who can change my life is me.

So, your sister is depressed, okay, I get that, she needs to not put that on you and abuse your generosity. You have every right to ask her to leave, you have your own shit to deal with, right!

Protect yourself and don't feel badly, she needs to bite the bullet and deal, not make your miserable in the process.

Good luck and let us know how you are doing.

[Pilule]

Can't she get help from social services?

Or can you have social services take care of her?

[Frame]

It's a good question Pilule. And I imaging that is where this situation will eventually get to. It's now into nine months and little has changed. In January I asked her to apply for welfare and food stamps. It never happened. She lives in her own world. And that world revolves around her. It's sad. My situation is sad but I fill my day with hard work and I know one day I'll get some kind of equity for it.. Besides, even if I get up each morning with little gratitude for still being alive, I fill my day trying to meet the challenges in front of me.

She fills her day sitting and waiting for the world to come to its senses and shower her with all she desires. Changing her paradigm is a battle that can't be won. I was warned by the rest of my family before she moved in. It's not my physical distress she ignores, that gets to me; it's the fact that she will gladly impose on me in any way I let her and never once acknowledge or thank me. But I do believe that there is intelligent design in the universe. There is destiny a foot. Each challenge, an opportunity.

[Alaska1958]

"I fill my day trying to meet the challenges before me".

I read your posts and wonder where I fit into the descriptions I read of you and your sister. I certainly don't fill my day trying to meet the challenges before me. But neither do I wait for life to shower me with the good things I feel I deserve.

Since about 10 hours ago I've been feeling pretty good and am actively engaged in life. I'mttrying to take positive steps to improve my own situation. Last Monday started out great. I got out of bed at 6am and instead of fixing myself something to eat, I ran a couple of important errands, then picked up garbage on my property that I had been looking at foraabout 3 years and hauled it to the dump. It felt great. By then I was tired and hungry so I had a nice breakfast and relaxed, then I ate some more, and then more. From Monday afternoon until Friday morning I was pretty much in bed and making multiple trips to the kitchen and the bathroom.

I'm not laying in bed feeling sorry for myself, but neither am I able to rouse myself to meet those challenges you mentioned.

I don't know what to tell you about your sister, Frame. I honestly don't know what you should do.

[Frame]

I think it's interesting, Alaska, to imagine who would be answering your last paragraph. If it were many of my family, they would say that I'm being soft, be used and that I just have to throw her out (although in the last few months I have done a few things to some positive effect; things they hadn't considered and so they're a bit less radical in their thinking.)

I'm sure that if I spoke to a priest or social services they would say I'm doing the right thing and being a good brother.

Sometimes I think I'm taking the easy way. But every attempt to motivate her is a huge effort. It's exhausting and I don't have the energy. She is what she is. But even as there is no outer evidence of growth, there still is the possibility of inner change; and that's where is has to start.

[TurtleRock]

You can do everything right and still have no affect one someone who doesn't want to even try to help themselves. Even if they are family you have to draw the line before they pull you down past the point of no return.

I sincerely hope your situation improves.

[Pilule]

Here, in Canada, if a person can't make his own decision, for health or mental or whatever reason, somebody else can make it for them.

Before throwing your sister out, maybe you could apply for social security, on her behalf, it would help you financially at least.

If she's not mentally competent, you could maybe even cash the check and keep the money yourself instead of her cashing the check and spending the money elsewhere and not helping paying her fair share of your generosity.

My friend has a daughter of 22 that has Downs syndrome, my friend gets a social security check in her own name to help take care of her daughter.

[Frame]

That's an idea Pilule. I should talk to someone about that here. There is plenty of evidence that she's not acting competent.

[4EverMe]

Hello Frame,
Are you aware of the type of depression she has? Has she been anywhere or seen anyone through which she's received a diagnosis? If so, is she on meds?

[4EverMe]

Hello Frame,
Are you aware of the type of depression she has? Has she been anywhere or seen anyone through which she's received a diagnosis? If so, is she on meds?

[Frame]

Neither of us have any health insurance, but I tried to get her into a clinical study. She didn't qualify. Like I have mentioned before depression, in my opinion, is a symptom. In her case, there are a host of reasons the world is stressing her out. She is an even better example of someone who lives much more in delusion than in reality.