How to care for a depressed friend?
Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 12:04 pm
Hi!
I am new here and I am just not sure where to turn to so I thought I'd give this a try even if it is just put it out there.
I do have a history dealing with depressed people - both my parents have been diagnosed so I thought I would be "fine" and know what to expect.
Only, it seems my parents have protected me from the worst of it growing up.
Now I have a good friend who has been dealing with ups and lows for some time - but the current low is bad, it is really frightening me because there is talk of 'it just is too much to keep going on...'
And yes, it is an internet friendship - the kind where you feel comfortable trusting and opening up because the distance makes it "safe" - but it also makes helping someone really difficult when there is only communication through text and video and the occasional old-fashioned letter because hand-writing is so much more personal - but no direct interaction.
And I am just so helpless and just don't know what to do.
Gah, is there any help out there on how to actually be there for someone who is depressed?
Because my instincts seem to fail me and the advice I found reading up on it online makes me feel even more lost - and I am not sure if I am helping or making things worse. Nor how to judge the different sourses that I found there seems to be all kind of posts on that topic by very different authors.
It seems one writer’s DO is the next one’s DON’T.
Tell them you care for them and that they are important and you want them in your life VS. Don’t make them feel guilty by making them feel you need them because if they can’t bring up the energy to interact that will make them feel they failed you as a friend.
Tell them they have been better in the past and can be in the future, that there are things to look forward to and that there are ups and downs VS. Never ever tell them that the future or past is better because that will belittle the pain they feel in this moment.
Try to offer the occasional distraction and avoid centering everything on their depression, show them that there is a life outside their bubble VS. Don’t crack jokes, be serious because that behaviour is condescending and trying to lighten the mood could send the message that their pain isn’t real.
Include them in your life VS. Don’t burden them with your worries and having to spare energy for you.
Allow them to retreat into themselves and the comfort of solitude and preserve their energy not having to deal with people who they might feel are demanding anything from themVS. Keep in touch and make sure they don’t retreat completely from the world. Be there for them and make sure they know they are not alone.
Show emphathy and be supportive VS. By no means claim you understand because the only one who can understand the pain is the person feeling it and you belittle it by claiming you do.
Don’t ignore them VS. Give them space
Suggest therapy - especially if you think they might endanger themselves VS. Never ever suggest any kind of treatment, it is condescending.
And so on.
So if I say something simple like “I care for you and value your friendship!” Is that ok or making the person feel bad because it indicates I have expectations they might not be able to fulfill?
If I am worried for their safety will suggesting therapy help or send the message that I think they are 'nuts' and make them distrust me?
If I tell them about something that happened in my life am I showing them they are part of my life or am I being condescending by signaling that my life is more important than theirs?
If they retreat do I keep in touch or am I sucking the energy from someone who needs some alone time by trying to keep the communication open?
How do I make myself available and make sure they know I am without crowding or being seen as pushy?
It seems there are as many guidance lines as there are authors and I think in most cases it could be what the author personally would prefer for him- or herself, for their own life, given the often controversy statements.
It is a minefield!
For basically everything I do or say I can find advice that says how that is a bad thing to do and how it can be seen as belittling, condescending or extremely inconsiderate.
But then if I ignore the Do’s and simply try to avoid all the Don’ts combining the things I found would basically result in: Cut contact to avoid doing something wrong and wait for them to approach you.
Which frankly in my eyes would send a ‘I don’t care about you’ message if it happened to me and I wouldn't want to apprach a person who I felt deserted me in a time of need .- and every instinct me tells me NOT to do that.
The trouble is, I am not a trained professional, I care on a personal level and I am not a mind-reader.
I don’t know if the advice given by one person is valid for all. Or even the one case that is my problem.
All seem to agree that ‘being a good listener’ is a good approach – but what if the person retreats so much they just don’t talk or only answer direct questions? Even if it's often just a 'I don't know, I am just out of it' which leaves me lost for things to say.
I can only listen to so much silence before I try to fill it – sadly most often with some ramble because I don’t know which topics are safe or welcome…
Sometimes I feel pushed away, sometimes I feel welcome. Sometimes I feel like I should be in touch and then I feel like I am pushy by not remaining quiet.
I don’t know which advice is helpful and which isn’t.
And I feel paralyzed, fearing whatever I chose to do will be the wrong thing making everything worse. I know there is no real answer there, and that it is probably a very personal thing. I rationally know it is not personal but I feel helpless, inadequate, sad and frustrated because I just don’t know what to do yet I wish I could help.
Anyone here with experience with caring for depressed people?
I am new here and I am just not sure where to turn to so I thought I'd give this a try even if it is just put it out there.
I do have a history dealing with depressed people - both my parents have been diagnosed so I thought I would be "fine" and know what to expect.
Only, it seems my parents have protected me from the worst of it growing up.
Now I have a good friend who has been dealing with ups and lows for some time - but the current low is bad, it is really frightening me because there is talk of 'it just is too much to keep going on...'
And yes, it is an internet friendship - the kind where you feel comfortable trusting and opening up because the distance makes it "safe" - but it also makes helping someone really difficult when there is only communication through text and video and the occasional old-fashioned letter because hand-writing is so much more personal - but no direct interaction.
And I am just so helpless and just don't know what to do.
Gah, is there any help out there on how to actually be there for someone who is depressed?
Because my instincts seem to fail me and the advice I found reading up on it online makes me feel even more lost - and I am not sure if I am helping or making things worse. Nor how to judge the different sourses that I found there seems to be all kind of posts on that topic by very different authors.
It seems one writer’s DO is the next one’s DON’T.
Tell them you care for them and that they are important and you want them in your life VS. Don’t make them feel guilty by making them feel you need them because if they can’t bring up the energy to interact that will make them feel they failed you as a friend.
Tell them they have been better in the past and can be in the future, that there are things to look forward to and that there are ups and downs VS. Never ever tell them that the future or past is better because that will belittle the pain they feel in this moment.
Try to offer the occasional distraction and avoid centering everything on their depression, show them that there is a life outside their bubble VS. Don’t crack jokes, be serious because that behaviour is condescending and trying to lighten the mood could send the message that their pain isn’t real.
Include them in your life VS. Don’t burden them with your worries and having to spare energy for you.
Allow them to retreat into themselves and the comfort of solitude and preserve their energy not having to deal with people who they might feel are demanding anything from themVS. Keep in touch and make sure they don’t retreat completely from the world. Be there for them and make sure they know they are not alone.
Show emphathy and be supportive VS. By no means claim you understand because the only one who can understand the pain is the person feeling it and you belittle it by claiming you do.
Don’t ignore them VS. Give them space
Suggest therapy - especially if you think they might endanger themselves VS. Never ever suggest any kind of treatment, it is condescending.
And so on.
So if I say something simple like “I care for you and value your friendship!” Is that ok or making the person feel bad because it indicates I have expectations they might not be able to fulfill?
If I am worried for their safety will suggesting therapy help or send the message that I think they are 'nuts' and make them distrust me?
If I tell them about something that happened in my life am I showing them they are part of my life or am I being condescending by signaling that my life is more important than theirs?
If they retreat do I keep in touch or am I sucking the energy from someone who needs some alone time by trying to keep the communication open?
How do I make myself available and make sure they know I am without crowding or being seen as pushy?
It seems there are as many guidance lines as there are authors and I think in most cases it could be what the author personally would prefer for him- or herself, for their own life, given the often controversy statements.
It is a minefield!
For basically everything I do or say I can find advice that says how that is a bad thing to do and how it can be seen as belittling, condescending or extremely inconsiderate.
But then if I ignore the Do’s and simply try to avoid all the Don’ts combining the things I found would basically result in: Cut contact to avoid doing something wrong and wait for them to approach you.
Which frankly in my eyes would send a ‘I don’t care about you’ message if it happened to me and I wouldn't want to apprach a person who I felt deserted me in a time of need .- and every instinct me tells me NOT to do that.
The trouble is, I am not a trained professional, I care on a personal level and I am not a mind-reader.
I don’t know if the advice given by one person is valid for all. Or even the one case that is my problem.
All seem to agree that ‘being a good listener’ is a good approach – but what if the person retreats so much they just don’t talk or only answer direct questions? Even if it's often just a 'I don't know, I am just out of it' which leaves me lost for things to say.
I can only listen to so much silence before I try to fill it – sadly most often with some ramble because I don’t know which topics are safe or welcome…
Sometimes I feel pushed away, sometimes I feel welcome. Sometimes I feel like I should be in touch and then I feel like I am pushy by not remaining quiet.
I don’t know which advice is helpful and which isn’t.
And I feel paralyzed, fearing whatever I chose to do will be the wrong thing making everything worse. I know there is no real answer there, and that it is probably a very personal thing. I rationally know it is not personal but I feel helpless, inadequate, sad and frustrated because I just don’t know what to do yet I wish I could help.
Anyone here with experience with caring for depressed people?