My ex is feeling suicidal and is confiding in me

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magic-rising
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Jul 23, 2012 4:09 pm
Location: UK

My ex is feeling suicidal and is confiding in me

Postby magic-rising » Mon Jul 23, 2012 4:34 pm

First of all, hi I'm new here and have a dilemma surrounding my husband's depression. We have been separated for 3 months now. For a bit of background, he left me as he didn't love me anymore and couldn't face life in our relationship. He hopes he will find happiness with someone else in the future.

About 4 weeks ago, he got in touch with me telling me he was really struggling and wanted to try marriage counselling and get anti-depressants. He wanted to take time to let the anti-depressants work and see how he felt then about giving our marriage another go. He has been on the anti-depressants for 3 weeks now and told me last Monday that he didn't want back with me after all. He has also mentioned how he feels consistently low on the anti-depressants rather than up and down which was the way he was feeling before taking them. I kept my feelings to myself as it was our son's birthday on Friday and his dad had already promised him that he would be at the party. Anyway, I've been really struggling this week with feeling low after yet another knock back from him. It was cruel for him to say he didn't want back with me after all, when he had raised my hopes before. The problem is I still love my husband and right now I feel like no-one else I meet will compare to him. Don't get me wrong, he's not perfect but there was still chemistry between us right up until he left and I still see him looking at me longingly at times.

Anyway, I spoke to my ex on Saturday to tell him to stop hanging around my house (which he has been doing more of lately) as it's making getting over him so much harder and I told him I thought it was cruel to raise then dash my hopes. He then admitted he had said he wanted back with me as he was feeling so low at the time and he had no-one else to turn to. He then went on to say he started the anti-depressants to save his life. Yes, he was feeling suicidal!!! He had felt suicidal in the past over his quandry about leaving me. He admitted that he sometimes felt like walking in front of a truck to end his life rather than hurt me and the kids by splitting up the family. I've encouraged him on numerous occasions to get help which thankfully he has now got with the anti-depressants and he also started counselling sessions a couple of weeks ago. So now my dilemma is how to deal with this? I'm the person a suicidal man is turning to, as well as the mother of his children, but I'm also the person who he has deserted and he has no desire to be back with. He tells me that no-one else is interested in hearing about all the really heavy stuff he is going through and that is why he confided in me.

I've no idea what I should do under these circumstances. I spoke to him yesterday to ask how he was feeling and he said suicidal thoughts were still creeping in. I told him that I'm always there to talk if he needs me and I've encouraged him to tell this to his doctor. I don't feel I can turn my back on him as I owe it to my children to help their dad through some desperate times but I also need to look after myself for the sake of the kids too. Being messed around isn't doing my mood any favours which in turn isn't good for the kids. On the other hand, I could never forgive myself if my ex committed suicide if I didn't at least try to help him through this. I do want to help him but how do I do this without breaking my own heart? I still love him but he doesn't love me anymore. It's such a delicate situation and I'm not sure how to handle it. Any ideas?

A few weeks back my ex told me how he didn't think seeing so much of our 2 kids was a good idea with the way he was feeling. This obviously concerned me so I spoke to his mum about this but all she said was he wouldn't open up to her so she doesn't bother trying. She got his dad to have a word with him instead and apparently having a chat was enough to perk him up. Well, clearly not, as he is still feeling suicidal. So I've already been down the route of trying to get others around him to help but that didn't get anywhere, and in fact, his mum and dad have discouraged him from taking anti-depressants. They don't know he is currently taking them.

Any advice?

JulesK
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:33 am
Location: Washington, D.C.

Postby JulesK » Tue Jul 24, 2012 12:19 pm

If someone has said they're suicidal the best (I think only) thing you can do is inform a health care professional. Do you know his doctor's name? If not, contact a local community health center or suicide helpline. The fact that he has a plan of sorts (walking in front of a truck) should be a special concern.

If you take his statements at face value, he may well believe that getting back with you will make the depression and suicidal thoughts go away. But what happens if you take him back and he's still depressed and he does something to harm himself as a result? And really, if he's just saying that to get your attention ... He needs to stop.

Either way I can't think of anything else you can do except see that he gets additional help.

magic-rising
Posts: 3
Joined: Mon Jul 23, 2012 4:09 pm
Location: UK

Postby magic-rising » Tue Jul 24, 2012 4:35 pm

Thanks.

I'm phoning the Doctor for him tomorrow and I have told him to mention his suicidal thoughts during the appointment. I spoke to him briefly today and he said he's feeling a bit more settled with the antidepressants so hopefully that's him over the worst. I'll still encourage him to mention the suicidal thoughts though.

Thanks again, it's such a strange situation with the 2 of us being separated but him leaning on me, so a bit of guidance is much appreciated.

JulesK
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:33 am
Location: Washington, D.C.

Postby JulesK » Wed Jul 25, 2012 11:00 am

I would definitely tell his doctor what he said. I understand that it is odd having him lean on you. Personally, I don't think that + the talk of suicide is good for anyone.

And, by way of full disclosure, my mom would talk about how she wished she was dead a LOT and once faked an attempt when I was a teen. (She was trying to get a guy who split up with her to come back.) I had my first MDE soon after. I guess it was a combo of genetics and environment.

So yes I admit I'm biased AGAINST people who talk about suicide when it is with a hook. And from a kid's point of view there is nothing good about being around an adult who threatens suicide.

LuisSteven
Posts: 29
Joined: Mon Mar 02, 2015 3:43 am

Postby LuisSteven » Thu Mar 05, 2015 6:10 am

Don't hesitate to recommend that your ex seek the professional assistance of a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist -- particularly if there are symptoms which are not characteristic of a "normal" grief reaction. These include:

Guilt about things other than actions taken or not taken by the survivor at the time the death.
Thoughts of suicide.
Morbid preoccupation with worthlessness.
Prolonged and marked inability to get on with one's daily activities.
Hallucinatory experiences other than thinking that one hears the voice of, or transiently sees the image of, the deceased person.


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