I am new & alone

[LINDSEYLEW82]

Hi All,

I am new to posting on any forums. If I remember correctly, I am supposed to tell a little about myself first.
I need to add a disclaimer that I am well-aware my current state is so bad because I have no health insurance, so no antidepressants or therapy. I am in the process of finding reduced fee doctors and therapists, but they are hard to come by.

There are so many issues, I will try not to go on too long. Let me start with the most shame-producing issue. I received my Master's degree in Counseling in December 2008, so I know what I 'should' do. I know what to tell other people, but it doesn't apply or work for me. Therefore, there is shame when my anxiety/depression is so bad that my intellectual side says, don't say that or do that, yet it feels out of my control. I also know guilt and shame are pointless and normal symptoms of anxiety/depression, but it still adds to the problem. Due to a legal issue that occured when I was 17 years old, not being exsponged like most juveniles records are, I did not begin an internship right away because I had to save $3000 for a lawyer.
While saving for a lawyer, my only brother died unexpectedly and traumatically. I know it's not in chronological order, but I should now add that I had already struggled with anxiety/depression on and off since puberty. I have therefore been to therapy and on antidepressants on and off for 14 years. At the time of his death, I was already on 300mg of Welbutrin XL and 300mg of Effexor XR, JUST TO "MAINTAIN". A few months after his death I ran out of antidepressants (since I wasn't in school anymore to get them from a cheap doctor at a reduced rate).
So I know it is still normal for me to be grieving and I will have ups and downs for a while.

I realize I am rambling, so let me sum it up and say, not having the correct dosages of meds. (I have gotten back on Effexor XR, but only 150mg, Buproprion SR 100mg for almost 3 months), not being able to afford counseling, being disconnected from my colleagues, having nothing in common with my high school friends (they are all married and most have kids), feeling like a failure by not entering my profession while still being $54,000 in debt because of it, feeling so anti-social that I only hang out with my 66 year old mother, my only brother's death, and all the depresssion and anxiety I already had...and here I am...

I have never felt so alone in my whole life and I AM NOT FUNCTIONING. I could stay in bed 20 hours a day. When I go out, I have anxiety and come close to panic attacks at times. I cry and am tearful alot (but I know this is just grief). Nothing interests me or makes me happy, I find it very hard to laugh (something very important to me). I am BABYSITTING 10 HRS a week so I have a place to live, but other than that, I am not wanting to die, but I am sick of this constant sadness, racing thoughts, and anxiety.
That is me....

[shatteredhopes]

Welcome and HUGS! I know for me, I can know things there are to know about my PTSD or depression for instance yet cannot stop the feelings from overwhelming my thoughts. It must be very frustrating for you to have a master's in counseling and understand so much, yet be unable to stop the feelings...I am in a difficult position too in that I cannot afford therapy right now, and all I can do is just keep a running tab and pay a little each time I go to the doctor every three months for 5 minutes to get prescriptions. It is so hard to not be able to get the help you need and want, I know, believe me I do, but I can tell you the peer support here has been a lifesaver for me! People who understand and sometimes we brainstorm a little and offer each other suggestions, and just plain old care about each other...it makes a difference. Because we often know what to do objectively when it is others, but can't do or see ourselves as clearly, but others can cheerlead us and make suggestions to help us on our path to recovery.

First, can you check to see if there are any free grief support groups in your area? Often churches or nonprofits associated with specific diseases etc. may provide a way to at least get some support for your grief over the tragic loss of your brother. If not, and not too ambitious, could you use your counseling background a bit as well as as a peer to start one?

I can so relate to the panic/anxiety as I have trust issues now and am so afraid of being hurt I freak out at just the thought of interacting and find it harder and harder to be around anyone except my elderly mom or just to be polite at the grocer and such. BUT you are babysitting, so you are at least interacting even if it is with a child, and that takes patience and special caring to deal with a child or severely disabled adult...SO BE PROUD OF YOURSELF for doing that much even though maybe you cannot enter the counseling profession right now.

Have you thought of volunteering in the counseling capacity at say a juvenile detention center since you missed out on your internship...when you are able...there are also rehabilitation programs for ex-offenders through nonprofits and churches that would love I am sure to have you volunteering your services...this way your record won't matter and may actually help you connect better with clients/patients and look good on a resume I would think since you didn't do the internship...when you are ready that is, and volunteering is great networking I have found (been offered jobs before and promises of jobs, just something always seemed to happen with my life or my mental health or physical that prevented me from pursuing in recent years). I know its hard to get confidence up when depressed, but volunteering if you are able can help with that a bit and maybe perk you up and motivate you on a path to using your counseling degree...

Anyway, just trying to offer a few suggestions, but mainly know I am here listening and can relate to much of what you wrote, and this website is full of caring people who support each other. So again, welcome to the family.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[crystalgaze]

Hi Lindsey... I do feel similarly.... I know how it is....

That may not be particularly consoling, but I just wanted to say.... please don't give up.... & that's for us both.....


Welcome & take care! (as much as you can)

[LINDSEYLEW82]

Crystalgaze, thanks, just knowing I'm not alone does help!

Shattereddreams...sorry to take so long replying...and your suggestions were so "spot on" and very thoughtful!

I am doing better, although today was frustrating!
I finally had my appt with the doctor. She increased my Effexor XR to 300mg, but took me off Buproprion SR because she said I could have seizures?! I have been on them for 3 years! Also, I have read on many boards that many other people are on that same combination. We will see!
My legal issue is a little worse, so I can't apply for jobs yet, and I'm kind of ready, so it's frustrating.

I will keep ya'll updated.

Lindsey