Hi from New Zealand
Posted: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:57 pm
Hi all,
I'm Rose, I'm 22 and I'm from New Zealand. I've been looking around for an online support group for depression and anxiety, being the internet junkie that I am, and also finding it hard to trust people in real life at the moment.
I've been depressed for 14 months, since 2 of my friends killed themselves in a week in May 08. At the time I was doing far too much - working, studying, volunteering, running a drop-in centre through church, president of the university French club, trying to start a career as a singer/songwriter, etc. etc. and I was already completely burn out that having these two friends die within a week completely threw me. I started getting some really weird health problems - shaking, fainting, blacking out and dizzy spells that got worse in the evenings when I was tired.
I took a few months off studying and was on some anti-depressants, then by October I decided enough was enough, I was going to get on with my life. I got myself a full time job and a few weeks later, started dating a guy who'd been a friend for over a year because there was some definite chemistry and we thought we should give it a go. I finally finished my first CD as a singer/songwriter and released it. Life was looking up.
Within a few weeks of the new job, I was fainting at work. My manager was fantastic and worked around it but insisted I get extensive medical testing after a few months.
Thus came the rigorous round of testing. Blood tests. Brain scans. Heart scans. Other, horribly invasive tests to find out was wrong with me. Everything came back completely fine so there was nothing medically wrong with me at all - I just fainted.
It got in the way of everything - my boyfriend would make sure his flatmate was around with a car if we ever went out at night so he could get me home safely in case I fainted and not getting enough sleep would really throw me. My work schedule of 9 - 5 and his work schedule of 4 - 10 meant we never saw each other and that made me even more upset, which lead to arguments between us.
In May my manager and I came to the "agreement" that when my contract finished in early July of 2009, I would finish the job instead of having it renewed as had been unofficially agreed in the interview. She was worried about my health and suggested I take time off to get myself well and find out what was going on. I did agree that it was sensible but all I could feel was this horrible sense of failure. One evening, I took 30 painkillers to see if it could help me sleep. It didn't - instead it made me so sick I spent an entire night throwing up. This scared me enough to go see my GP, who put me back on the antidepressants I had stopped taking the previous year because I was "fine".
Finishing the last few months of work was difficult because there was a lot to get done in a short space of time and every day was a struggle to keep going, though it was hard to see the point. At the same time, problems with my boyfriend's living situation meant that I stepped in to help, as I tend to want to do - he was living with a couple who broke up and the husband ended up staying at my flat as there weren't that many other places for him to go. The breakup between that couple was nasty, complicated and had a huge impact on our community of friends.
A week after I finished work, my boyfriend returned from a holiday back in his hometown and broke up with me, claiming that he no longer had the resources to deal with me and my depression. Losing my job and my boyfriend in a week sent me into a complete spin and I started to completely melt down. I couldn't deal with everything and started cutting myself and trying desperately not to take every single painkiller I could find in the flat. I knew I needed help so I confided in my flatmates, who were amazingly supportive. I tried my best to stop these urges to hurt myself because really, I didn't want to die, I just wanted to stop hurting.
A couple of weeks ago I took an overdose of a combination of pain medication and antidepressants. Flatmates noticed I wasn't doing so well and found the empty packets and called an ambulance. I hadn't taken enough to do any serious damage but they kept me in hospital until I talked to a crisis assessment team, which took a full 12 hours. My flatmates were amazing and stayed with me all night in the hospital, which was something I really didn't feel I deserved.
Since then, I've been feeling better and more in control - I've been given a higher dose of antidepressants and some anti-anxiety medication for the evenings. However, my flatmates were so concerned that they contacted my family and my parents are moving me to live with them in Australia "until further notice". I only want to be gone awhile but my flatmates are convinced it's for the best and when I come back, I'll have to find a new place to live. My parents and I have enough issues as it is and I really don't want to be with them long term. I feel like my flatmates have given up on me, as much as I logically know they haven't - they used the exact same words as my ex-boyfriend did when breaking up with me: "We don't have the resources to deal with you"
I want to be better. I want to stop hurting. I want to be able to sort this out on my own and I really, really want people to start having a bit more faith in me. Yes, I screwed up and yes, I have depression and I'm not thinking clearly but I CAN do this and the fact that everyone seems to have given up on me hurts. Being shipped off to another country to get better seems ridiculous and I feel like I've lost control of my life. For crying out loud, I'm an adult. People are intervening "for my own good" and it's driving me crazy. I want to be happy because I haven't been happy in a long time but I want to do it my way and I am so sick of being babied and told that "this is for your own good".
*rereads*
Wow, that's long. Sorry everyone. If I haven't bored everyone reading all that, I'd love to get to know people here a bit more. Especially people who have strange medical things happening as a result/cause of depression - it's still uncertain for me but the two are definitely linked.
Take care,
Rose
I'm Rose, I'm 22 and I'm from New Zealand. I've been looking around for an online support group for depression and anxiety, being the internet junkie that I am, and also finding it hard to trust people in real life at the moment.
I've been depressed for 14 months, since 2 of my friends killed themselves in a week in May 08. At the time I was doing far too much - working, studying, volunteering, running a drop-in centre through church, president of the university French club, trying to start a career as a singer/songwriter, etc. etc. and I was already completely burn out that having these two friends die within a week completely threw me. I started getting some really weird health problems - shaking, fainting, blacking out and dizzy spells that got worse in the evenings when I was tired.
I took a few months off studying and was on some anti-depressants, then by October I decided enough was enough, I was going to get on with my life. I got myself a full time job and a few weeks later, started dating a guy who'd been a friend for over a year because there was some definite chemistry and we thought we should give it a go. I finally finished my first CD as a singer/songwriter and released it. Life was looking up.
Within a few weeks of the new job, I was fainting at work. My manager was fantastic and worked around it but insisted I get extensive medical testing after a few months.
Thus came the rigorous round of testing. Blood tests. Brain scans. Heart scans. Other, horribly invasive tests to find out was wrong with me. Everything came back completely fine so there was nothing medically wrong with me at all - I just fainted.
It got in the way of everything - my boyfriend would make sure his flatmate was around with a car if we ever went out at night so he could get me home safely in case I fainted and not getting enough sleep would really throw me. My work schedule of 9 - 5 and his work schedule of 4 - 10 meant we never saw each other and that made me even more upset, which lead to arguments between us.
In May my manager and I came to the "agreement" that when my contract finished in early July of 2009, I would finish the job instead of having it renewed as had been unofficially agreed in the interview. She was worried about my health and suggested I take time off to get myself well and find out what was going on. I did agree that it was sensible but all I could feel was this horrible sense of failure. One evening, I took 30 painkillers to see if it could help me sleep. It didn't - instead it made me so sick I spent an entire night throwing up. This scared me enough to go see my GP, who put me back on the antidepressants I had stopped taking the previous year because I was "fine".
Finishing the last few months of work was difficult because there was a lot to get done in a short space of time and every day was a struggle to keep going, though it was hard to see the point. At the same time, problems with my boyfriend's living situation meant that I stepped in to help, as I tend to want to do - he was living with a couple who broke up and the husband ended up staying at my flat as there weren't that many other places for him to go. The breakup between that couple was nasty, complicated and had a huge impact on our community of friends.
A week after I finished work, my boyfriend returned from a holiday back in his hometown and broke up with me, claiming that he no longer had the resources to deal with me and my depression. Losing my job and my boyfriend in a week sent me into a complete spin and I started to completely melt down. I couldn't deal with everything and started cutting myself and trying desperately not to take every single painkiller I could find in the flat. I knew I needed help so I confided in my flatmates, who were amazingly supportive. I tried my best to stop these urges to hurt myself because really, I didn't want to die, I just wanted to stop hurting.
A couple of weeks ago I took an overdose of a combination of pain medication and antidepressants. Flatmates noticed I wasn't doing so well and found the empty packets and called an ambulance. I hadn't taken enough to do any serious damage but they kept me in hospital until I talked to a crisis assessment team, which took a full 12 hours. My flatmates were amazing and stayed with me all night in the hospital, which was something I really didn't feel I deserved.
Since then, I've been feeling better and more in control - I've been given a higher dose of antidepressants and some anti-anxiety medication for the evenings. However, my flatmates were so concerned that they contacted my family and my parents are moving me to live with them in Australia "until further notice". I only want to be gone awhile but my flatmates are convinced it's for the best and when I come back, I'll have to find a new place to live. My parents and I have enough issues as it is and I really don't want to be with them long term. I feel like my flatmates have given up on me, as much as I logically know they haven't - they used the exact same words as my ex-boyfriend did when breaking up with me: "We don't have the resources to deal with you"
I want to be better. I want to stop hurting. I want to be able to sort this out on my own and I really, really want people to start having a bit more faith in me. Yes, I screwed up and yes, I have depression and I'm not thinking clearly but I CAN do this and the fact that everyone seems to have given up on me hurts. Being shipped off to another country to get better seems ridiculous and I feel like I've lost control of my life. For crying out loud, I'm an adult. People are intervening "for my own good" and it's driving me crazy. I want to be happy because I haven't been happy in a long time but I want to do it my way and I am so sick of being babied and told that "this is for your own good".
*rereads*
Wow, that's long. Sorry everyone. If I haven't bored everyone reading all that, I'd love to get to know people here a bit more. Especially people who have strange medical things happening as a result/cause of depression - it's still uncertain for me but the two are definitely linked.
Take care,
Rose