Hi all,
I'm Rose, I'm 22 and I'm from New Zealand. I've been looking around for an online support group for depression and anxiety, being the internet junkie that I am, and also finding it hard to trust people in real life at the moment.
I've been depressed for 14 months, since 2 of my friends killed themselves in a week in May 08. At the time I was doing far too much - working, studying, volunteering, running a drop-in centre through church, president of the university French club, trying to start a career as a singer/songwriter, etc. etc. and I was already completely burn out that having these two friends die within a week completely threw me. I started getting some really weird health problems - shaking, fainting, blacking out and dizzy spells that got worse in the evenings when I was tired.
I took a few months off studying and was on some anti-depressants, then by October I decided enough was enough, I was going to get on with my life. I got myself a full time job and a few weeks later, started dating a guy who'd been a friend for over a year because there was some definite chemistry and we thought we should give it a go. I finally finished my first CD as a singer/songwriter and released it. Life was looking up.
Within a few weeks of the new job, I was fainting at work. My manager was fantastic and worked around it but insisted I get extensive medical testing after a few months.
Thus came the rigorous round of testing. Blood tests. Brain scans. Heart scans. Other, horribly invasive tests to find out was wrong with me. Everything came back completely fine so there was nothing medically wrong with me at all - I just fainted.
It got in the way of everything - my boyfriend would make sure his flatmate was around with a car if we ever went out at night so he could get me home safely in case I fainted and not getting enough sleep would really throw me. My work schedule of 9 - 5 and his work schedule of 4 - 10 meant we never saw each other and that made me even more upset, which lead to arguments between us.
In May my manager and I came to the "agreement" that when my contract finished in early July of 2009, I would finish the job instead of having it renewed as had been unofficially agreed in the interview. She was worried about my health and suggested I take time off to get myself well and find out what was going on. I did agree that it was sensible but all I could feel was this horrible sense of failure. One evening, I took 30 painkillers to see if it could help me sleep. It didn't - instead it made me so sick I spent an entire night throwing up. This scared me enough to go see my GP, who put me back on the antidepressants I had stopped taking the previous year because I was "fine".
Finishing the last few months of work was difficult because there was a lot to get done in a short space of time and every day was a struggle to keep going, though it was hard to see the point. At the same time, problems with my boyfriend's living situation meant that I stepped in to help, as I tend to want to do - he was living with a couple who broke up and the husband ended up staying at my flat as there weren't that many other places for him to go. The breakup between that couple was nasty, complicated and had a huge impact on our community of friends.
A week after I finished work, my boyfriend returned from a holiday back in his hometown and broke up with me, claiming that he no longer had the resources to deal with me and my depression. Losing my job and my boyfriend in a week sent me into a complete spin and I started to completely melt down. I couldn't deal with everything and started cutting myself and trying desperately not to take every single painkiller I could find in the flat. I knew I needed help so I confided in my flatmates, who were amazingly supportive. I tried my best to stop these urges to hurt myself because really, I didn't want to die, I just wanted to stop hurting.
A couple of weeks ago I took an overdose of a combination of pain medication and antidepressants. Flatmates noticed I wasn't doing so well and found the empty packets and called an ambulance. I hadn't taken enough to do any serious damage but they kept me in hospital until I talked to a crisis assessment team, which took a full 12 hours. My flatmates were amazing and stayed with me all night in the hospital, which was something I really didn't feel I deserved.
Since then, I've been feeling better and more in control - I've been given a higher dose of antidepressants and some anti-anxiety medication for the evenings. However, my flatmates were so concerned that they contacted my family and my parents are moving me to live with them in Australia "until further notice". I only want to be gone awhile but my flatmates are convinced it's for the best and when I come back, I'll have to find a new place to live. My parents and I have enough issues as it is and I really don't want to be with them long term. I feel like my flatmates have given up on me, as much as I logically know they haven't - they used the exact same words as my ex-boyfriend did when breaking up with me: "We don't have the resources to deal with you"
I want to be better. I want to stop hurting. I want to be able to sort this out on my own and I really, really want people to start having a bit more faith in me. Yes, I screwed up and yes, I have depression and I'm not thinking clearly but I CAN do this and the fact that everyone seems to have given up on me hurts. Being shipped off to another country to get better seems ridiculous and I feel like I've lost control of my life. For crying out loud, I'm an adult. People are intervening "for my own good" and it's driving me crazy. I want to be happy because I haven't been happy in a long time but I want to do it my way and I am so sick of being babied and told that "this is for your own good".
*rereads*
Wow, that's long. Sorry everyone. If I haven't bored everyone reading all that, I'd love to get to know people here a bit more. Especially people who have strange medical things happening as a result/cause of depression - it's still uncertain for me but the two are definitely linked.
Take care,
Rose
Hi from New Zealand
Moderators: Sunlily92, windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
Rose,
Good to read your message. It wasn't too long. I read through the whole thing.
I am afraid that I haven't been to New Zealand but I sort of have a connection with the country.
My sister-in-law is a kiwi. She came over to Canada, as a nanny, and for some unexplained reason married my brother. Keep in mind that he is a little brother. They have some contact with her family every summer. Either her dad or her mom comes over. Or like this year my brother and his family are not going for a summer break, they are going over the Christmas holidays. From what my sister-in-law has said, the Australians and those from New Zealand don't tend to be the best of friends.
Now to your post. I think that it was very articulate.
I have been having a lot of problems with my health over the past six months. Like you they have run me through a battery of tests, but still can't find anything out of whack. Not that I want a brain tumor but I know that it is diffciult, all the way around with doctors to, to have me come in every couple of weeks and say that I am just in a lot of pain.
I know that whenever I go into the emergency room, they look at my file, find out that I have a psychiatric history and just dismiss me as being, messed up. Frustrates me to the point that I would like to grab them by the collar and say, there is something wrong with me I am hurting, please help.
I have also been in the psychiatric system for a while. I was first diagnosed in 1988 so have been doing this for a long time.
It is unfortunate, that you are an adult but having decisions made "for you", as opposed with you. I know that for a while I was very ill, and it came to the point that decisions had to be made for me, without me being in the loop. Doesn't sound like you are at that point yet.
Maybe it would have been easier for you to handle, if they had just let you be a part of these discussions. I don't think that many people (even little ones) like to be told something without them having any input. We all want some degree of control in our lives. Otherwise it kind of negates the phrase "our lives".
To end off, don't worry about boring anyone with your posts. You write well and it all makes sense, at least to me.
Good to read your message. It wasn't too long. I read through the whole thing.
I am afraid that I haven't been to New Zealand but I sort of have a connection with the country.
My sister-in-law is a kiwi. She came over to Canada, as a nanny, and for some unexplained reason married my brother. Keep in mind that he is a little brother. They have some contact with her family every summer. Either her dad or her mom comes over. Or like this year my brother and his family are not going for a summer break, they are going over the Christmas holidays. From what my sister-in-law has said, the Australians and those from New Zealand don't tend to be the best of friends.
Now to your post. I think that it was very articulate.
I have been having a lot of problems with my health over the past six months. Like you they have run me through a battery of tests, but still can't find anything out of whack. Not that I want a brain tumor but I know that it is diffciult, all the way around with doctors to, to have me come in every couple of weeks and say that I am just in a lot of pain.
I know that whenever I go into the emergency room, they look at my file, find out that I have a psychiatric history and just dismiss me as being, messed up. Frustrates me to the point that I would like to grab them by the collar and say, there is something wrong with me I am hurting, please help.
I have also been in the psychiatric system for a while. I was first diagnosed in 1988 so have been doing this for a long time.
It is unfortunate, that you are an adult but having decisions made "for you", as opposed with you. I know that for a while I was very ill, and it came to the point that decisions had to be made for me, without me being in the loop. Doesn't sound like you are at that point yet.
Maybe it would have been easier for you to handle, if they had just let you be a part of these discussions. I don't think that many people (even little ones) like to be told something without them having any input. We all want some degree of control in our lives. Otherwise it kind of negates the phrase "our lives".
To end off, don't worry about boring anyone with your posts. You write well and it all makes sense, at least to me.
-
LaRoseBleue
- Posts: 2
- Joined: Thu Jul 30, 2009 7:17 pm
- Location: New Zealand
Hi Monty,
I have a connection with Canada as well - I did a student exchange to Quebec, Canada when I was 17 and lived there for a year. It was a fantastic experience and where I learnt French, which is what I ended up doing my degree in. Canada is beautiful and I'm hoping to get back there sometime next year to see the family I stayed with in Quebec. We still remain very close.
I'm leaving for Sydney tomorrow morning and am trying very hard to look at the bright side and make the most of it - Sydney is a lot warmer than NZ (we're in the middle of winter and it's been rather nasty) and it will be good to get away for awhile but I'm really not wanting to stay longer than a month. Hopefully after a few weeks, people will start to listen to me and let me come back home.
What kind of health problems have you been having? I can really sympathise with being told "there's nothing wrong with you, this just happens" - it really sucks.
Thanks for the reply and I'm glad I'm making sense!
Take care,
Rose
I have a connection with Canada as well - I did a student exchange to Quebec, Canada when I was 17 and lived there for a year. It was a fantastic experience and where I learnt French, which is what I ended up doing my degree in. Canada is beautiful and I'm hoping to get back there sometime next year to see the family I stayed with in Quebec. We still remain very close.
I'm leaving for Sydney tomorrow morning and am trying very hard to look at the bright side and make the most of it - Sydney is a lot warmer than NZ (we're in the middle of winter and it's been rather nasty) and it will be good to get away for awhile but I'm really not wanting to stay longer than a month. Hopefully after a few weeks, people will start to listen to me and let me come back home.
What kind of health problems have you been having? I can really sympathise with being told "there's nothing wrong with you, this just happens" - it really sucks.
Thanks for the reply and I'm glad I'm making sense!
Take care,
Rose
Rose,
Isn't it a small world. Funny how everyone seems to be connected in some ways. Six degrees of separation seems to be true.
I have never been as far as Quebec. I would really like to go there sometimes. Actually I have never been further east (in Canada, I have been to Scotland) than Thunder Bay Ontario. I hve been told how beautiful it is there.
It is great that you have managed to keep in contact with your host family in Quebec. I know very, very little french,. That I learned in high school and I guess that if I did remember anything, the french that we are taught is not the same as what they speak in Quebec.
Where I live, we still haven't had summer yet, actually I guess that is stretching the truth. We have had a week or so, of good weather since spring. Our temperatures are way below normal. Some places got frost last month. Since we are in farming country it is really a great blow, when the crops first of all don't get the moisture they need, and second when the moisture comes (it is too late) we have to wait until the heat comes. A lot of people have been royally pissed at the weather this summer.
I know that you don't want to go to Sydney. Think it is good that you are trying to look at "the good side of things".
I have been very ill for the past 20 years. Probably almost as long as you have been on this earth. I was given the bipolarII diagnosis along with a few other psych difficulties.
My friends call me a medical marvel. I have had a lot of trouble with my digestive system. Ulcers, hiatial hernia, gall bladder gone, bladder repair surgery, diverticulitus and have got pretty well any bug that has come around this year. I used to be the only one that stayed well, when things went around. Now I catch everything and have been quite ill.
Hang in there and I look forward to hearing from you again sometime soon.
Isn't it a small world. Funny how everyone seems to be connected in some ways. Six degrees of separation seems to be true.
I have never been as far as Quebec. I would really like to go there sometimes. Actually I have never been further east (in Canada, I have been to Scotland) than Thunder Bay Ontario. I hve been told how beautiful it is there.
It is great that you have managed to keep in contact with your host family in Quebec. I know very, very little french,. That I learned in high school and I guess that if I did remember anything, the french that we are taught is not the same as what they speak in Quebec.
Where I live, we still haven't had summer yet, actually I guess that is stretching the truth. We have had a week or so, of good weather since spring. Our temperatures are way below normal. Some places got frost last month. Since we are in farming country it is really a great blow, when the crops first of all don't get the moisture they need, and second when the moisture comes (it is too late) we have to wait until the heat comes. A lot of people have been royally pissed at the weather this summer.
I know that you don't want to go to Sydney. Think it is good that you are trying to look at "the good side of things".
I have been very ill for the past 20 years. Probably almost as long as you have been on this earth. I was given the bipolarII diagnosis along with a few other psych difficulties.
My friends call me a medical marvel. I have had a lot of trouble with my digestive system. Ulcers, hiatial hernia, gall bladder gone, bladder repair surgery, diverticulitus and have got pretty well any bug that has come around this year. I used to be the only one that stayed well, when things went around. Now I catch everything and have been quite ill.
Hang in there and I look forward to hearing from you again sometime soon.
This could be a controversial viewpoint.... But I think medications are not the only way. They surely serve a purpose, but they are one of several possibilities. For example, everyone knows of some natural ways to relax. And fulfilling some needs or rethinking life can also have a great effect. Find some natural ways to relieve pain and anxiety too.
But you had a lot of things to deal with all at once.
There are some real blunders in the medical world. A doctor thought I was having a panic attack when the real culprit was a severe allergy. Just fainting, nothing really wrong? Maybe, maybe not. There had to be a reason.
Anyway, a change of pace might help for recuperation. Try to think of it as a vacation and a chance to spend time with your parents. (They do care.) Enjoy it for a while, relax a bit, then firmly take charge again and control your own life. Don't let family or professionals get in the habit of making all the decisions.
But you had a lot of things to deal with all at once.
There are some real blunders in the medical world. A doctor thought I was having a panic attack when the real culprit was a severe allergy. Just fainting, nothing really wrong? Maybe, maybe not. There had to be a reason.
Anyway, a change of pace might help for recuperation. Try to think of it as a vacation and a chance to spend time with your parents. (They do care.) Enjoy it for a while, relax a bit, then firmly take charge again and control your own life. Don't let family or professionals get in the habit of making all the decisions.
Hi Rose! Welcome to the DU forums!!!
Agreed that you have been through a whole hell of a lot... be easy on yourself. Anyone who lost their boyfriend and their job in the same darn week would take it badly. At least you've learned from it, right? You don't want to die... you just want to LIVE happily, huh?
I have to tell you that when I was at my lowest point, I was living with my parents, and I was 22 as well. If it were not for my parents, I don't know how I would have made it. I lost quite a few friends because they could not handle my depression at that time, but my parents were always always there for me. Through it all. I owe them my life, I think.
I am now 33, and feel tremendously better. I have anxiety, but have not had a serious bout with depression for ten years. You can do this, Rose, ok? You WILL feel better. It's coming... just keep the faith.
Is there a reason that you really don't want to depend on your parents? Is there major tension?
Agreed that you have been through a whole hell of a lot... be easy on yourself. Anyone who lost their boyfriend and their job in the same darn week would take it badly. At least you've learned from it, right? You don't want to die... you just want to LIVE happily, huh?
I have to tell you that when I was at my lowest point, I was living with my parents, and I was 22 as well. If it were not for my parents, I don't know how I would have made it. I lost quite a few friends because they could not handle my depression at that time, but my parents were always always there for me. Through it all. I owe them my life, I think.
I am now 33, and feel tremendously better. I have anxiety, but have not had a serious bout with depression for ten years. You can do this, Rose, ok? You WILL feel better. It's coming... just keep the faith.
Is there a reason that you really don't want to depend on your parents? Is there major tension?
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