hello I'm hurting...

[Via]

I lost my friend group to depression.
I used to be so joyful and now I hate people who seem happy.
And those who have seemingly got their life together I envy. Those who have positive love connections and support and are actively pursuing their interests and know where they are going makes me sad.
They have an air that is infectious and float around like a butterfly, while I lie here destroyed in the dark.
But I feel it is rotting my bones. I cannot escape it. I am Middle Aged and feel my life is over and cannot for the life of me pick myself up and start again after leaving a friend group because I felt disconnected from their happy clique. They seem all well connected and I felt like an outsider looking in because of depression and feeling beneath them. One of the friends devalued me and it threw me alone in a darkened room making me feeling off balance and needy for attention even though I am not an attention seeker. I now feel more depressed than ever. like I will never have a positive emotional connections ever again.\

Sorry if I have made anyone feel bad. I am just hurting.
I'm also sorry if anyone else is feeling the same disconnections in life.

[Tom57]

I'm sorry to hear about this. And by the way, there's no need to apologize for sounding down. After all that's what depression is all about and I completely understand. There had been times when I felt depressed even when things were going well. But lately, within about the last couple of months or so, there's been little bits of challenges that have come my way to strike me down emotionally.

It's really hard to lose clique friends if that's all you had or just a single friend. One time I was in a clique from college with three other guys whom I enjoyed. Later, two of them decided to abandon me suddenly. And that really hurt. Recently I heard that one of them has Parkinson's Disease now.

I'm borderline middle aged and elderly. Probably more on the elderly side. It's difficult being older now when some health challenges and a lack of good friends. I only have one friend and he is 20 years older than me. He's not the best quality friend to have. So many times he doesn't understand what depression and loneliness feels like. And there are times when he can be a real grump.

I don't know what else to say. I can't give you any suggestions or advice because I'm struggling to find my way myself. I have received advice from others saying things like - "get out there and make friends" or "get yourself into groups". I've done those things for years but it never worked out well; and then I just decided to give up because it made feel worse to try than not to. I hope I've helped at least a little bit. Best to you.