Hello, New Here, Hoping, Searching

[searching4hope]

Hello to all.
I have struggled to find my way back to the word I misplaced in July. Although I do search daily for any signs of the world that shattered and disappeared in front of me, I have yet to find any. I am hoping, that somewhere, someday, I can find just a tiny piece of evidence that shows me that the world I learned to love still exists and is out there looking for me. If not, maybe I will find another world that will accept me for who I am, forgive me for the disrespect I showed by trying to end something as special and wonderful as the life that I live. I know I am lost, and the hospitals, while offering a safe realm by quarantining me from the most harmful and vicious of the manifestations during this dreadful and dark journey, have not been able to fully understand the forces behind the extraction of me from that beautiful world I called and continue to call home and long to be with again, thus leaving me alone, searching for an ally, or a friend, or partner, or just someone who I can talk with in hopes of finding a clearer sense of direction, a little bit of peace, and ultimately what do I do now, do I give up completely? Do I continue this seemingly misguided expedition into the abyss, do I stop and give in to that force that has been trying so hard to get me to accept a completely new reality and be reborn into that which I do not know or understand, including whether or not it is even a world as I know it, or nothing more than leftover gases, matter, and memories from long lost worlds and souls that they themselves had been disconnected from their stewards and left to spin and drift aimlessly, no longer worthy of the expenditure of energies by any stable entities or societies that would give enough credibility to allow for their own rebirth.
After a lifetime of what I can only say exceeded every hope and dream I ever had about what my life would entail, it ended like a flash of an old time camera, there one day, gone the next. I went from having feelings of security, love, belonging, having a purpose, success, victory, to feelings of betrayal, failure, embarrassment, pain, starvation, suffocation, and loneliness.
It is so hard to find someone I trust to talk with, and its hard to get someone to understand what I perceive is happening. And now it has gotten where, I fear even trying to talk to someone in person, one on one, because that can end up getting me locked up in the hospital again, where safety, protection and improvement means being medicated to levels of slobbering incoherent nonexistence.
I am at the point where I am willing to accept what ever my fate is meant to be. I just want to be sure that what I perceive that to be is actual and factual in relation to my intended destiny or fate.
I was able at a very young age to find a beautiful girl that would give me her love, and accept my love, and that would trust me to give her a life that she deserved as a princess, that would include happy healthy children, food, shelter, transportation, and happiness. I was able through much hard work and sacrifice and with her 100% unwavering support and assistance and her own hard work and sacrifice, to meet life’s expectations. The children were conceived out of pure love for each other and the overwhelming and lustful desire to merge into and be one powerful, shining radiating source of energy. And it was just this it seemed, that did happen, because when I would look down into the reflection in a beautiful clear stream of sparkling bubbly water, that I saw not myself, but an image of what you would see when one really does meet their soulmate and because of that magnificence that occurs when that needle is actually found in the massive haystack, the energy that comes together to join this union is so exponentially great that the two really do become one.
This dream was lived, surely not without its ups and downs, its trials, its challenges, which were always hit head on and knocked to the side by us to lovers, partners and perceived soulmates. It was us against all that was evil in the world, and that evil had no chance against our combined purpose and resolve.
Until IT happened. Through means yet to be fully understood, that evil darkness, after years of being kicked around and defeated as routinely as taking that first morning breath every day, showed itself with a vengeance and hatred that only years of embarrassing daily defeat can give birth to. And just like that, there was no more. It all was gone. Shattered. Split. All the parts that together were needed to be together and always had been together to defeat every daily threat, were in different parts of the world, no longer held together by any type of union, the original perceptions of a soulmate connection now gone replaced with an empty feeling regret, the pride of raising the perfect family now nothing more than another lost dream that was replaced with a nightmare.
So in my search for my lost world, my search for some type of path forward, I found this chat / message board. And I am sorry for the dramatic fashion with which I introduce myself, but its with dramatic fashion that I now squeak out every day. Wondering if I will have enough left in me to finish the day, sleep tonight and to start yet another day tomorrow. If any of my newly found connections have any insight into my missing world or how to move forward with a new positive outlook and acceptance of a brand new world, please talk to me, help me take an interest in me. Guide me, give me hope, a reason.
I am located in north east Texas. My home is always open and welcome to all, and I promise to do my best to assist any and all of you if I have the means.
Thank You

[searching4hope]

I will add that, depressoon is a sneaky adversary. I was unsware for years that i had some unresolved issues from the marine corps. It decided to show itself one monday morning as i awoke for work and the first monday after coming home from a business trip to find my wife had packed up and left me. I dont remember that morning but evidence shows that i woke up, texted my boss that i wouldnt be in i had something to do. I then lit a bbq grill in my bedroom. Passed out and waited to die from fumes. An employee of mine found me unconcious, called 911.i was rushed to the local hospital. After being stabilized i was transfered to a psychiatry hospital. I now had ptsd from trying to take my own life along with ptsd and survivors guilt from the marines, mdd depression from my wife of 36 years being gone and psychosis. I now see red cloaked figures hovering around me all the time since trying to take my life. I see alot of things now. Not sure how long till