What is wrong with me

[Imani]

First things first, I'm Nigerian so no therapy and no family support and every time I say I'm depressed the immediate response is you're not depressed in Jesus name or you're just full, I do so well with people outside and seem jovial but internally I feel nothing it's like I'm always trying hard to fit in and I keep wondering why everyone can't see that I'm a fake once I'm home I don't ever want to go out and I get angry when people talk to me. People keep trying to reach out but I just ignore messages or act preppy and happy, drop the call and find another excuse to not talk to someone again. I have two brothers that worked to put me through school and now I have to work to pay them back and for my younger brother too but I'm tired I worked for 6 months was promoted rapidly but some days I'd be rushing on a flyover whilst praying someone just pushes me down and nobody has to carry the guilt that comes with a family member suiciding. I finally got a remote job but now experience crippling anxiety when I have to talk to my colleagues and bosses, to make matters worse my mum has lost her phone and she keeps trying to make small talk but doesn't listen when I tell her something is wrong which has made my responses to her shorter and sharper with time. I don't want to be like this, I even find myself resenting my siblings and people that like me and praying constantly for sudden death but there are weeks where it seems like I'm fine and all of this is just in my head. I've turned to novels and even after getting lost, facing reality once a while is harder. Please am I honestly just looking for drama in my life rather than being depressed?