Hello. I had to share, hope its the right place. might be trigerry

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Bright Stalk
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Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2022 9:02 am

Hello. I had to share, hope its the right place. might be trigerry

Postby Bright Stalk » Tue Oct 04, 2022 11:12 am

Sorry in advance for my English and errors, I'm not native speaker.
I'm also sorry if it might have any kind of bad triggers...
I just can't hold it inside and I have to spill it somewhere anonymously.

I also would appreciate very much for any advice or encouragement, please.

Lately I was diagnosed with severe addiction to a computer game.
I'm currently having sessions once a week with a psychologist (therapist, CBD) due to depression and PTSD, after abusive childhood and adulthood.
My father used to beat, belittle and humiliate me all my life.
When I was in the army (in my country there is 2 years mandatory service), one day he refused to let me back home and for anyone of my brothers and mother to speak to me, for two months.
I had to stay at the base, in a middle of a war, with all the rockets and sirens going on. I was 19 and spended this horrible war lonely, terrified and miserable with no family and nearly decided to take a bullet into my head to just end it all, because of the misery, emotional pain and depression I felt.
but I also was scared for my mom and brothers and couldn't leave them alone and at the last moment removed the gun from my throat.

Now, after years of therapy, I understand that my father was abusive and manipulator, and my mom was weak and had mental illness herself and that's why she didn't or couldn't protect us or run away.

I'm taking medications for depression, PTSD and ADD.
At first, I was making good progress and made the therapist proud of me, but lately my condition stopped and even worsened, maybe from flashbacks but not sure witch yet, because I'm straggling with thinking and sometimes getting confused. so I don't know what was the trigger exactly.
I'm a very shy and introverted, barely have friends, and with those I barely keep in contact. but they are understanding thankfully. I don't smoke and don't drink, more of a principal because my father used to (we have addiction problem in family, my brother now is addicted to drugs sadly...).

So what happened - I downloaded a MMORPG game, very awesome and captivating (don't want to mention the name). The community and the people I met there are so nice to me, helpful in every quest and location in the game, and very supportive to a newbie player.
The anonymous chat platform combined with a bright, colorful and a huge open free world, where you can be strong, fly, adventure, have fun and silly jokes with online friends, everyone is so nice, succeed rapidly with lvling and achievements, and just be free and happy - caught me in its nets.

I got to a point where I no longer wanted to eat or drink, couldn't sleep. I just gamed on and on and I was really happy and felt satisfied.
the problem is - I currently don't have a job because of my anxiety, I'm a student at a university (towards computer science degree), the least I have to do is study.... but I stopped with that... couldn't concentrate on anything else and only ran away and hid inside the game.
I'm married to a great husband who supports me and tries to help but the poor chap cant really do much or change what mental issues I have. its self internal work and due to horrible past.
Because of those worsened gaming habits, I started to loose appetite, barely eat, feel sick and tired all the time.

I prioritized the game over my husband and dog. (we don't have kids yet. I don't have the conscience to have till I'm emotionally healthy and stable).
I shouted once at my poor dog to leave me alone while I was playing, when he came to ask for a walk to pee outside...
I'm a horrible person. I really love this dog and I hate myself for shouting at him.
I also wouldn't give affection to my poor husbands, and went to sleep very very late all the time. not helping with house chores. the house started to become very messy.
my intuition started to bother me - that the situation I'm in is wrong, that I have to stop, but I always silenced it.

my abusive father's words would rise and repeat inside my head, over and over - that I'm stupid, selfish, carless, a looser, and idiot, ugly, useless, whore.... and other horrible curses.
And I tried to run away and drown myself deeper and deeper and hide inside this game, to become someone else, new and strong, in a total different world. I think I kinda wanted to be reborn again.

No matter how many times my therapist calmed me down and said that none of these curses and horrible staff are true - I kinda proved to myself that its actually is - because I started gaming and became lazy and bad, do nothing, I didn't do my duties and raised my voice on my poor innocent dog... I'm am indeed a useless horrible person, good to nothing.

Eventually, I shared my daily gaming routine with my therapist - at first I was very very reluctant and scared to tell her, because deep inside I new that then, the game would be taken away from me and I will lose my only solace and hope at living.
but that "right voice" deep inside told me I have to do this, so I told her the truth.

My therapist described that as that I'm escaping from the real world into a virtual one and loosing myself inside it. she was very kind but firm with me and said I have to stop with this game as soon as possible or it will drug me down deeper and very fast and I will loose myself. She said that she saw what this kind of addiction do to a person and I got very worried, more for my husband than me. he don't deserves this... she told me to immediately uninstall and take a break from this game, at least for two weeks, and see what happens.

I couldn't do it, so I told my husband about this last therapist meeting and I asked him for help to hide the game (I couldn't bare the thought of uninstalling it, it broke my heart, just the thought of it brings tears, clenches my throat and pain inside to the point its hard to breath).
So he did this for me and hid the game under password. and we came to an agreement that if I'm breaking and starting to beg for the game - he will uninstall it completely, for my own sanity.

my psychologist and husband are very proud of me for reaching out, and for trying to make things right and working on myself.

But I'm so so miserable....
I cried all day. I feel as if my right hand or an important organ had been cut off, or someone very dear and close to me died. I miss this game so much. I feel trapped, sick and alone. I feel hopeless, sad, scared, miserable and I can't bear it.
I'm feeling very lonely suddenly. even though I have a husband and a dog - life seems so dull now, colorless, empty, scary and pointless...
I'm always crying now and miss the beautiful calming virtual world so much.
Life was so much easier and happy there.

I'm also very embarrassed and ashamed over my reaction and behavior... I know its silly to be depressed like that over a game... I'm a 28 years old married female, crying over a game... I'm feeling so spoiled and bad and hate myself.
But I just cant help it, Its cutting me inside and I cant stop thinking about this game and miss it so much. I want it back, to run away and hide inside this beautiful other world...

Sorry for the long text. I'm feeling a little bit cleansed now...
Thank you for reading.
Hope for better days.

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