Just ... Trying, I guess
Posted: Fri Feb 11, 2022 7:38 am
I have a not insignificant amount of guilt even suggesting that I might be suffering because - by comparison with a lot of other people in the world, I (rationally) have no reason to be. I live in a safe part of the country, I'm (reasonably) food and shelter secured - I should be fine, right? But for whatever reason, I'm not really. I mean, I am, I guess, but I get up and go through the usual motions but nothing really resonates. I am polite to the people I work with and have nice, superficial conversations from time to time but I do not really know them - nor vice versa. My mother is dead; Dad is still here but Dad never really listens to me (partly this is because Dad is hard of hearing and he seems to find me nearly impossible to hear, but then I seem to have a voice pitched in the exact tone that he struggles with) and never really has. He is, likewise, nice enough but ... he's not interested. I don't know anyone else (no siblings).
This probably strongly suggests that I am "just" lonely, but I don't know that I totally buy into that. I've never been good at making connections with people, I guess, I mean, again, people seem friendly enough to me but there is never any substance to it. I guess (maybe) that's largely on me - I have this overwhelming conviction that I am an incredibly useless person and so I feel as though I should keep myself as much out of everyone else's way as humanly possible; I have never wanted to inflict my presence on anyone. It is - so to speak - bad enough that I have to put up with it for myself. Yes, I have been on various medical treatments in the past - although never to much effect - and am not currently, except for treatment of a low thyroid condition.
I don't know, honestly, what to do anymore. I mean, yes, I continue to get up and go through the motions of being a (so-called) productive member of society, but it is just ... a shadow-play, I guess. I don't know when the last time was that I actually did something and came away from it feeling as though I was really "there" for it. I'm just marking the days and waiting for the inevitable end result of all this - which sounds a lot darker than it probably is; I am not proactively suicidal by any stretch. It (death) just seems like one of those "sooner the better" options - but again, no being proactive about it, it just seems to be the only/next thing to look forward too - so to speak.
Yeah, I know, that paragraph was kind of moody. I don't like to be pithy about things and reference flimsy movies, but sometimes it seems like something Spock said about V'ger in the first (admittedly slow) "Star Trek" movie - "No mystery, no meaning, no hope. Jim, no answers." But then I get back around to the guilt thing, because what am I, really? Just really, really bored? Really suffering an unusally long-form case of ennui? I mean, other people have real problems and difficulties in life. I'm just an idiot.
This probably strongly suggests that I am "just" lonely, but I don't know that I totally buy into that. I've never been good at making connections with people, I guess, I mean, again, people seem friendly enough to me but there is never any substance to it. I guess (maybe) that's largely on me - I have this overwhelming conviction that I am an incredibly useless person and so I feel as though I should keep myself as much out of everyone else's way as humanly possible; I have never wanted to inflict my presence on anyone. It is - so to speak - bad enough that I have to put up with it for myself. Yes, I have been on various medical treatments in the past - although never to much effect - and am not currently, except for treatment of a low thyroid condition.
I don't know, honestly, what to do anymore. I mean, yes, I continue to get up and go through the motions of being a (so-called) productive member of society, but it is just ... a shadow-play, I guess. I don't know when the last time was that I actually did something and came away from it feeling as though I was really "there" for it. I'm just marking the days and waiting for the inevitable end result of all this - which sounds a lot darker than it probably is; I am not proactively suicidal by any stretch. It (death) just seems like one of those "sooner the better" options - but again, no being proactive about it, it just seems to be the only/next thing to look forward too - so to speak.
Yeah, I know, that paragraph was kind of moody. I don't like to be pithy about things and reference flimsy movies, but sometimes it seems like something Spock said about V'ger in the first (admittedly slow) "Star Trek" movie - "No mystery, no meaning, no hope. Jim, no answers." But then I get back around to the guilt thing, because what am I, really? Just really, really bored? Really suffering an unusally long-form case of ennui? I mean, other people have real problems and difficulties in life. I'm just an idiot.