I've been on this rollercoaster for close to 30 years now...
Yes, you read that right! 30 years...
Seen as I don't even know where to start I'll just focus on the here-and-now.
I had been on a new round of antidepressants for a short while, when I signed up here. Obviously my pills had not yet kicked in and I was sure I'd feel better if I expressed myself here, but, as with most things in my life, I started and didn't finish.
A few days later, I felt better and thought, yes! This is it... I am actually feeling half-way human!
That was a few weeks ago... I'm now beginning to feel suicidal again.
I have to say that I've been at home for the past 10 days with supposed Covid, feeling ill. Once again, I managed to f*** that up...
Instead of getting tested immediately, I spent a week in bed, nursing myself better and, only then, did I go and get tested.
Because I did that a few days ago and came up positive, I now have to stay indoors for another 10 days. I still have symptoms...
Not that I go anywhere, anyway... I'm in all the time. Have been for the past 2 years. I've been on disability for those two years, after spending time in the psychiatric ward and after losing my dog. I got rid of just about everything I owned and I moved into a beautiful, small attic studio with a south-facing terrace (although it's in a strange kind of shared accommodation with strange people - meaning: I can't relate). I have been here for nearly 2 years. There are many aspects of this place that I absolutely love but I think I need to move. I'm feeling increasingly less welcome in this house, even though, I am like a ghost. I don't make any noise, I'm super clean, I don't ask for anything, I'm discrete...
I have a few friends (lost a few over the past two years too) but I am actively avoiding them. All I want is to be alone... I feel like there is nothing I can talk about except "how I'm doing", which is generally not good... I do my best to spare my friends... some of them have, after all, been suffering my mental states too... for as long as I've known them.
I have no desire for anything, there isn't anything I really want to do, nobody I really want to see, I feel like every kind of interaction I have with anybody is awkward and hollow and insincere.
I have also been in therapy for 30 years - on and off - and the only diagnosis I've gotten, so far, is major depressive disorder/extreme high sensitivity/anxiety/anorexia... I really wonder if these aren't symptoms of something underlying...
My therapist is calling me tomorrow but in the meantime... I need this OUT!
From my bed
Introductions and welcomes.
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