Depression Understood Forums

Hi there, so I’ve had a hard few years, I’m only 21 and i feel like I’ve just been declining over the last couple years, especially over the last 6 months. I started to feel numb and got put on antidepressants for the first time. They didn’t seem to do anything and I just felt more confused. I continued to decline until i had a bit of a breakdown and started to feel suicidal. I moved home from uni, and since then I’ve been trying to get help. I got put on a different antidepressant and on a waiting list for therapy (takes forever with NHS). I eventually got an assessment and they said i only had mild to moderate depression and asked what my goals were and what i wanted to fix in myself. I didn’t know what to say, I don’t know what to fix because I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t feel like myself, even though i have no idea what that is, because I’m 21. I feel like I’m just filled with anxiety and suffering every day, my perception of everything has been changed and i feel like my own brain has been taken away from me. Im terrified all the time because the more the NHS chucks me about saying ‘yeah that’s defiantly not ok let me pass you on to this person, but wait a few weeks’ only for this to happen multiple times makes me feel they actually don’t know how to help when I can’t identify the root of my problems. I used to be ambitious and excited about my life ahead and now I’m terrified and can’t picture myself doing the things people usually do in their life like a job and a family and getting old, it just sends me into a tailspin. Maybe thats normal and just part of becoming an adult? I don’t know…. I don’t even know if this is officially depression or something else but I’m just completely terrified and scared that I’m going to have to die because I can’t live like this and i just want my brain back. I feel like I’m doing everything i can do, I am able to get out of bed and do things, and i know thats a good thing because many people can’t, but i am doing all of the things people tell you to do like stay busy, socialise and exercise and it still doesn’t help. This makes me feel even more hopeless though because its not making it better and no one seems to know what’s wrong with me or take the time to care or help, but i feel like the way i feel and perceive things isn’t normal. Ive even thought i should get an MRI? I don’t know….
Anyway, If you made it this far, thank you for listening to my desperate rant. if anyone has felt exactly like this and has been diagnosed it would bee good to know what this is…. And how i can fix this… thanks

i hope youre doing well

Hi there. You definitely have depression. They're probably saying it's mild to moderate since you're still functional, but even the so-called "professionals" don't understand the private Hell that is depression unless they've experienced it themselves. Believe me, I know -- first wife killed in a car accident at age 29, best friend dropped dead of a heart attack at age 41, second wife died as the result of a bad fall last year. While you're waiting for NHS to get their act together, may I suggest looking for a local support group? I find it's best to talk to others who understand what you're dealing with. May I also suggest listening to music? There are numerous lists of songs to help with depression on the Internet, and they even have a "Healing Music for Depression" section on YouTube. Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP. You never truly fail until you stop trying. Just have a little faith that things will get better a little at a time -- and one day you'll start feeling like your "old self" again, but in reality you'll be a new and improved version of yourself. As the title from that old (and overplayed) Journey song goes, don't stop believin'.