It's not easy to open up.

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Bruaheq
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Nov 10, 2020 2:12 am

It's not easy to open up.

Postby Bruaheq » Tue Nov 10, 2020 4:13 am

I will be honest I do not know where to start. This person and I have been good friends since 2017, and we have always been there for each other when we are going through something, after a year we found out that we both wanted to be more than friends, but the situation is well a situation. We had plans to meet each other outside of the voice calls this year, but then covid closed the US and Canadian borders. One of us is in Canada only a 3-hour drive from the other in Michigan so we are not too far away from each other. You may be asking why we never met up when we found out that we wanted to be more than friends, well at the time one of us was not 18, but we are also close in age, and the one who at the time was 18 is a good person and did not want to make it feel like the other was being taken advantage of. That same person has also been open about hating themselves because no matter what the age gap was they felt like they were a bad person for loving someone that was not 18. The love was never sexual or physical, and no photos or anything like that was sent at all, and so the other person under 18 told them it was ok because they have self-control and it made them know just how more genuine it was. We are now both 18+ and still have yet to send anything lewd because at this point it's more than just a physical connection, and we just want vibe for life. However, with covid, it has killed out plans to see each other with the borders being closed for who knows how long. Lately, they have been dealing with something and it has made them more distant, I'm not sure if it's just they are on "do not disturb" on discord and it takes them some time to see my messages because they always apologize for not seeing them on time, but it makes me overthink, (I deal with some bad OCD and abandonment issues) it would not be that hard to just look to see if I messaged you even when you are on do not disturb, and so I think are they just using it as an excuse not to talk to me. We used to use other apps like Snapchat or Instagram to message in the past, but I was tired of talking to so many people on different apps and wanted to simplify it and cut my "friends" list down. So far the best days of my life are just vibing and watching movies or playing games with them. I don't have a family, and over the 3 years of being so close to them, I feel like they are the only family that I have left sometimes. 2 years ago I lost my dad to cancer, then last year I lost my grandma to cancer, they were the last 2 people in my family, and if it was not for them being in my life when this all happened I would not have a life. With them being the only person left in my life if they left I would not know where to go anymore. My OCD will kick in again and make me think that they know it will destroy me if they left and that I am what is causing the problem they are dealing with, because it would destroy them knowing how much pain that will cause me if they left me, but they do not want to go through with it. We have talked about so much in the past nothing can be harder to discuss what we have already talked about. I used to take medication for my OCD, but with recent changes, I have to go to a new therapist but again with covid I can not just go see a new one, and they are the ones who give my doctor the script to fill out for me. I do have an appointment to go see a new one, but it's not until December 21st. So with them being the only one left in my life, and with them also being distant it's making the holiday season so shit for me. I have a few hobbies to try and keep my mind off things like Photography, and I just started to learn the piano. However, I have recently lost my love with photos, and my OCD is just too strong to mask it without my meds. I just wish covid never happened, sure it allowed me to leave my job to work from home for another company so I do not have to 12 hours 6 days a week of factory work anymore, but now I see the same walls every day, and it sucks, but at least I can see the sun now so that is a plus. However, none of that matters to me, I just want to hold them for once and know I'm not alone for once in my life. I don't know it's just so hard to talk about this to anyone. Like what is so wrong with just not wanting to be alone in this shit world. It does not help that our generation is filled with people who do not care about anything in a relationship, and so finding anyone like them again will be so hard, and if I do I don't think it will ever be the same, because I will always see them. I just hope my overthinking is just that and nothing more, and that what they are dealing with passes and we can talk about it sometime. The main thing though I hope they can do something about covid soon so we can finally see each other in person and know this is all real. Sorry for being all over the place, I'm not used to putting something out there that's not to them. I'm better at talking than typing.

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