"tomorrow you will feel better"
Posted: Tue Dec 24, 2019 11:32 pm
Hi all. I'm new. Sorry for the rambling and repeating myself. Just needed to vent.
It's 10:50pm Christmas Eve where I'm at. I feel extremely alone. I have had no one to hang out with since July 2018 when I broke up my boyfriend and decided that my bestfriend wasn't good for my life anymore. They were the only two people in my life for 6 years besides family and coworkers. I love my family, but I've always been the "outsider"
I've had severe depression since 2006 when I had my son and developed postpartum depression. All the anti depressants, tests, and therapy in the world can not fix me. My parents have been raising my son because I am just too on n off to be the daily caregiver. If that makes any sense? We still have no bond and I absolutely hate myself. Why can't we still bond ? My sister had her first baby on the 19th. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to see her bond with her son.
I can't seem to make any friends now either. I feel so worthless and pointless. I can't seem to find anyone that likes me or that I like, same sex, to be friends with. Like we don't click. U Kno? I miss having a female friend to bake with and stuff. Females have never really liked me anyway if I'm being honest even as a child. It's even worse now. I don't know why. I truly don't. I hate myself, how can I expect anyone else to like me ? I keep praying for change in my heart that'll change who I am, but I still truly hate who I am, no change. I can pretend to be someone or something else but deep down I am who I am and I hate me.
Dating is completely out of the question. I have tried to just talk to guys and I know I am completely too screwed up to do that. Because of my depression and the past relationship issues I've had. I can't stand any of them either. They all seem to be sarcastic and condescending. I just can't tolerate any of them. I don't know why. Ive never had issues dating before. What's wrong w me ?
I've been using this time to work on myself however I never seem to "get better". When I see a little improvement, shortly afterward, this version of me, comes out. Every time this self comes out (depression), it gets harder n harder to tuck back away. I honestly feel that I'm just worthless and have zero reason to be living anymore. I'm not suicidal, but the thoughts of dying, give me an odd sense of comfort and joy. Sometimes I'll go to bed and cry myself to sleep, pleading with God to take my life so I don't have to feel this way anymore. I don't know why I'm still here anymore. What purpose am I actually serving now? I spend my days working, paying bills, fighting to not get fat because all I do is watch TV and eat. I was anorexic for a few years before my pregnancy and a few years after. Even I wasnt alone, I would still have to fight this depression.
They say happiness is a choice. I disagree because trust me, I've tried everything possible to force myself to be "happy". I've tried to make the decision to be happy, it only works for a little while. it truly isn't always choice. Is it or am I just that screwed up? I don't know anymore.
I live in a room of darkness. Happiness is the light I can see through the cracks of the door that's locked away on the other side, that's 95% of the time is unreachable. Sometimes I have a flash light that works and sometimes I don't. Nothing works to flip the light on. I've tried everything u can think of besides harsh treatments like electrical shock or whatever it's called. I've been evaluated so many times and always walked away with ADHD and severe depression diagnosis. I'm just done fighting it. I'm done surviving just enough to see if I can make my flashlight work the next day to only work for a week or two. I'm worthless and have no point.
A decade later, the saying "tomorrow you'll feel better" only makes me worse.
It's 10:50pm Christmas Eve where I'm at. I feel extremely alone. I have had no one to hang out with since July 2018 when I broke up my boyfriend and decided that my bestfriend wasn't good for my life anymore. They were the only two people in my life for 6 years besides family and coworkers. I love my family, but I've always been the "outsider"
I've had severe depression since 2006 when I had my son and developed postpartum depression. All the anti depressants, tests, and therapy in the world can not fix me. My parents have been raising my son because I am just too on n off to be the daily caregiver. If that makes any sense? We still have no bond and I absolutely hate myself. Why can't we still bond ? My sister had her first baby on the 19th. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be to see her bond with her son.
I can't seem to make any friends now either. I feel so worthless and pointless. I can't seem to find anyone that likes me or that I like, same sex, to be friends with. Like we don't click. U Kno? I miss having a female friend to bake with and stuff. Females have never really liked me anyway if I'm being honest even as a child. It's even worse now. I don't know why. I truly don't. I hate myself, how can I expect anyone else to like me ? I keep praying for change in my heart that'll change who I am, but I still truly hate who I am, no change. I can pretend to be someone or something else but deep down I am who I am and I hate me.
Dating is completely out of the question. I have tried to just talk to guys and I know I am completely too screwed up to do that. Because of my depression and the past relationship issues I've had. I can't stand any of them either. They all seem to be sarcastic and condescending. I just can't tolerate any of them. I don't know why. Ive never had issues dating before. What's wrong w me ?
I've been using this time to work on myself however I never seem to "get better". When I see a little improvement, shortly afterward, this version of me, comes out. Every time this self comes out (depression), it gets harder n harder to tuck back away. I honestly feel that I'm just worthless and have zero reason to be living anymore. I'm not suicidal, but the thoughts of dying, give me an odd sense of comfort and joy. Sometimes I'll go to bed and cry myself to sleep, pleading with God to take my life so I don't have to feel this way anymore. I don't know why I'm still here anymore. What purpose am I actually serving now? I spend my days working, paying bills, fighting to not get fat because all I do is watch TV and eat. I was anorexic for a few years before my pregnancy and a few years after. Even I wasnt alone, I would still have to fight this depression.
They say happiness is a choice. I disagree because trust me, I've tried everything possible to force myself to be "happy". I've tried to make the decision to be happy, it only works for a little while. it truly isn't always choice. Is it or am I just that screwed up? I don't know anymore.
I live in a room of darkness. Happiness is the light I can see through the cracks of the door that's locked away on the other side, that's 95% of the time is unreachable. Sometimes I have a flash light that works and sometimes I don't. Nothing works to flip the light on. I've tried everything u can think of besides harsh treatments like electrical shock or whatever it's called. I've been evaluated so many times and always walked away with ADHD and severe depression diagnosis. I'm just done fighting it. I'm done surviving just enough to see if I can make my flashlight work the next day to only work for a week or two. I'm worthless and have no point.
A decade later, the saying "tomorrow you'll feel better" only makes me worse.