Depression Understood Forums

Hi everyone. Feel silly doing this but right now would be curious to know if I'm the only person in the world like this because thats how it feels. Sorry to be so self indulgent talking about myself like this but here goes: I'm 35 and have been suffering from depression on and off since I was 15/16. Diagnosed at 19 after a suicide attempt and been on various meds over the years on and off with another suicide attempt about 10 years ago. Well, I've always been pretty shy and felt completely out of water around people. I had mates at school and always did well at school but I've never known how to be with people. I'm pretty introverted anyway so meeting people for me is next to impossible. Even with the very small number of friends I have I never want to see them because depressed or not my self esteem is usually so low when it comes to socialising. I just don't feel comfortable with people. I realised after many years I have serious social anxiety disorder but coupled with being an intovert I have very few people in my life. I split with my grilfriend about six months ago having moved job and home and since then I just don't do anything. All I think about is killing myself pretty much. But Even when I was feeing good and had a good relationship and was doing well at uni I made about three friends in three years and even they didn't last. I'm n ever normal I just manage to trun a blind eye to my freakishness everynow and again. I feel like a freak, and where my personality or self esteem should be there is just a big empty vacuum. The though of interacting with people is like poking an open wound. I manage at work then get home relieved and desperate. But I have felt this for so long I don't want to do anything about it. I know I don't work with people so finding friends or a new girlfriend seems pointless. Depression or not I've always been afreak and as I've got older it's got worse. When your 19 and peole say it will get better it sounds realistic but now I don't even want to change, I'm just to despearte to carry on as I am. On meds. Don't really work. Have tried different ones before but always come off on myown because ultimately the freak I am can't be treated even if the depression can be. Therapy and CBT never helped either. The feeling of introversion and seperateness goes back to when I was a very little kid. You can treat an illness not change a personality.

Ho hum, sorry to be such a downer.

bouncingball! welcome to the forums!!!
((((((((((((((((( bouncingball )))))))))))))))))))))))) <--- hug
also there is a chatroom here that is good. a lot of forum members are also chat members, but not all belong to both!!! check it out if ya wanna

Hiya bouncingball - a big welcome from me too!!!

Since you had friends in the past, it does go to show that you are capable of making friends, doesn't it? I know you say they don't last, but many friendships don't, in my opinion. Only the truest ones can make it through growing up, marriages, and babies. I think, unfortuantely, we all get swept up into our own lives, very often, and don't make room for that many others. I don't think it's done on purpose or to hurt anyone, but it might just be a part of life.

Please stop calling yourself a freak... There are so many people out there who have social phobia - it's not really that uncommon. And, I'm not a doctor by any means, but it seems that so often depression is triggered by social phobia when people suffer from both.

You have found a safe place here, bouncingball. I do hope you continue posting and do use the chat room like Georgiapeach suggested. Many, many wonderful folks around here who can help you see that you are not alone and that you are definitely NOT a freak.

Good luck to you, and hope you post again soon.

Bouncing Ball,

It is not being self-indulgent for you to take the time to let us know a little bit about you (BTW you are not a freak).

Look up at the top of your page it says "Depression Understood Forum".The title pretty well tells you that most of the people reading your postings, suffer from depression and know how dehbilitating it can be. From what you have told us, you are stuggling at this point. From my experience the more I reach out, the more people reach back.

I also don't make friends very easy. Sometimes I feel like they can see into my soul, and what they see might not be too pretty. I have been told many times that I am wrong, but that still doesn't make it right to me. My circle of friends has always been small. I used to feel like people didn't really want me around. That talking to me was just kind of an after thought.

At this point in your life, maybe making friends that can physically touch and hold you, might be too tough for you to wrap your head around.

In writing to us, no we can't hug you, in person, but we do care.

Keep posting. Your posts are always read and sometimes you sharing your stuff someone out there might be able to tell you, yeah I am going through the same thing, this is what I did.

Just a thought. Take care.

Monty - good to hear from you!! You're such a kind woman... how are things with your mom? Any better? I do hope so, friend. And I really hope you are not taking it all personally - you are a GEM, Monty. And you're right... when you reach out someone does always reach back. Especially here.