Am I Just a Mom?
Posted: Fri Jun 30, 2017 12:26 am
I'm new to the whole forum thing, but I don't know where else to express myself right now. I feel like my husband would feel like this is silly. Just over a year ago, at 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child, I quit working. Daycare for 2 kids was too expensive, my job was a lot of a hours and crappy ones at that (car sales, so weekend, holidays, etc.) and we decided to make 1 income for 2 kids work. Except, I also have 2 stepsons, and we pay a hefty $250 a week in child support. I love them dearly, just as a I love my biological kids (who are now 14 months and just about 3 years old) but I feel so lost now. Every day is a mess of toys, dishes, breast feeding, keeping 2 kids alive, and being really, really broke. My husband just started a new job closer to home, which is great, but we still have no extra money at the end of the week (and not always enough money to start) and I find myself longing for night time, when everyone else is asleep. But once everyone goes to bed, I feel even more lost.
I think my husband and I drink too much (not enough to be non-functional, but enough that I know we should cut back) and when I'm stressed, I smoke cigarettes and also pick at my skin. So now, I wake up every morning kind of hungover, feeling crappy from smoking, and with red, sore arms that look terrible to everyone else. I'm starting to lose patience with myself and my kids during the day. I'm getting tired of being the only one to clean, cook, and maintain the household and yard. I also work freelance, so when everyone else is going to bed, I'm booting up the Mac and working until 2am or I pass out, whatever comes first. I've come to realize I don't really like myself anymore, but I don't know what to do to change that. I find myself wanting to have one more drink until I am too tired to stay up, so I don't have to think, but then I wake up even more miserable than I was the night before. I'm tired of being broke, but daycare is still too expensive for me to go back to work full time. I keep telling myself in a year, my son will be in pre-school and we can probably swing one kid in daycare if I work, but a year seems a long time to wait.
My husband doesn't think anything I do is "work" because I don't leave the house. He plays pool in a league, so once a week he gets to go out and drink and socialize (at $40 a week, which is his budget I set). One day a week, a babysitter comes in for 3 hours in the morning, and that's my only time not home. I usually go to a coffee shop and work. So my adult interaction is very, very limited. I feel stupid from talking to a toddler and a baby all day, and I miss the person I used to be, and I feel like I'm becoming useless and faded.
I know this is long, and maybe pointless, but I had to put it somewhere. I just don't feel like me anymore, and I don't know where I went.
I think my husband and I drink too much (not enough to be non-functional, but enough that I know we should cut back) and when I'm stressed, I smoke cigarettes and also pick at my skin. So now, I wake up every morning kind of hungover, feeling crappy from smoking, and with red, sore arms that look terrible to everyone else. I'm starting to lose patience with myself and my kids during the day. I'm getting tired of being the only one to clean, cook, and maintain the household and yard. I also work freelance, so when everyone else is going to bed, I'm booting up the Mac and working until 2am or I pass out, whatever comes first. I've come to realize I don't really like myself anymore, but I don't know what to do to change that. I find myself wanting to have one more drink until I am too tired to stay up, so I don't have to think, but then I wake up even more miserable than I was the night before. I'm tired of being broke, but daycare is still too expensive for me to go back to work full time. I keep telling myself in a year, my son will be in pre-school and we can probably swing one kid in daycare if I work, but a year seems a long time to wait.
My husband doesn't think anything I do is "work" because I don't leave the house. He plays pool in a league, so once a week he gets to go out and drink and socialize (at $40 a week, which is his budget I set). One day a week, a babysitter comes in for 3 hours in the morning, and that's my only time not home. I usually go to a coffee shop and work. So my adult interaction is very, very limited. I feel stupid from talking to a toddler and a baby all day, and I miss the person I used to be, and I feel like I'm becoming useless and faded.
I know this is long, and maybe pointless, but I had to put it somewhere. I just don't feel like me anymore, and I don't know where I went.