Am I Just a Mom?

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Joined: Fri Jun 30, 2017 12:12 am

Am I Just a Mom?

Postby heyholetsgo » Fri Jun 30, 2017 12:26 am

I'm new to the whole forum thing, but I don't know where else to express myself right now. I feel like my husband would feel like this is silly. Just over a year ago, at 8 months pregnant with my 2nd child, I quit working. Daycare for 2 kids was too expensive, my job was a lot of a hours and crappy ones at that (car sales, so weekend, holidays, etc.) and we decided to make 1 income for 2 kids work. Except, I also have 2 stepsons, and we pay a hefty $250 a week in child support. I love them dearly, just as a I love my biological kids (who are now 14 months and just about 3 years old) but I feel so lost now. Every day is a mess of toys, dishes, breast feeding, keeping 2 kids alive, and being really, really broke. My husband just started a new job closer to home, which is great, but we still have no extra money at the end of the week (and not always enough money to start) and I find myself longing for night time, when everyone else is asleep. But once everyone goes to bed, I feel even more lost.

I think my husband and I drink too much (not enough to be non-functional, but enough that I know we should cut back) and when I'm stressed, I smoke cigarettes and also pick at my skin. So now, I wake up every morning kind of hungover, feeling crappy from smoking, and with red, sore arms that look terrible to everyone else. I'm starting to lose patience with myself and my kids during the day. I'm getting tired of being the only one to clean, cook, and maintain the household and yard. I also work freelance, so when everyone else is going to bed, I'm booting up the Mac and working until 2am or I pass out, whatever comes first. I've come to realize I don't really like myself anymore, but I don't know what to do to change that. I find myself wanting to have one more drink until I am too tired to stay up, so I don't have to think, but then I wake up even more miserable than I was the night before. I'm tired of being broke, but daycare is still too expensive for me to go back to work full time. I keep telling myself in a year, my son will be in pre-school and we can probably swing one kid in daycare if I work, but a year seems a long time to wait.

My husband doesn't think anything I do is "work" because I don't leave the house. He plays pool in a league, so once a week he gets to go out and drink and socialize (at $40 a week, which is his budget I set). One day a week, a babysitter comes in for 3 hours in the morning, and that's my only time not home. I usually go to a coffee shop and work. So my adult interaction is very, very limited. I feel stupid from talking to a toddler and a baby all day, and I miss the person I used to be, and I feel like I'm becoming useless and faded.

I know this is long, and maybe pointless, but I had to put it somewhere. I just don't feel like me anymore, and I don't know where I went.

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Joined: Mon Jun 26, 2017 3:19 pm

Re: Am I Just a Mom?

Postby sunnytortoise » Fri Jun 30, 2017 5:34 pm

I am using a speech to text mechanism excuse any errors. I am not a parent myself, but I have heard that parenting can be very isolating for stay-at-home parents. There are several things in your post that stuck out to me. One is that you need more sleep. I read somewhere that the computer screen can actually keep you awake because it schools your brain into thinking that it's the type of light that it needs for daylight on. I am I find that when I don't sleep well I am very cranky. The other thing that stuck out to me is about your husband not thinking what you do is work. I wonder what it would look like if you were to have a conversation with him and say: something like, dear, well being a stay-at-home mom does not bring home the bacon it does indeed take a physical and mental toll on my energy and I could use your help. And then you could list specific thingsz he would like you would like him to help with. Because sometimes people are like well I asked my partner to help me clean the house and he doesn't and for some people just asking them to clean the house isn't specific enough and how to ask them I would like you to the floor every day at 3 o'clock and and vacuum the guestroom. The other thing which struck struck me about your post is that it occurs to me that you seem to be using cigarettes and alcohol and at the computer as coping mechanisms for your stress. I I wonder if it is possible to for you to find a group of other single parents with whom you can share stories and maybe even babysitting. Or maybe it's just one other single parent. But the point is I believe it is healthier to medicate with social interaction that it is with computers and and cigarettes and booze. Um I have never been a smoker or a drinker however I have heard that on both cigarettes and boozezz can have a calming effect on peoplez them. What would it look like if you cut down how much you drank each week for example? What would it look like if you werez to cut down the number of cigarettes you smoke? Or getz a patch or some Nicorette gum what would it look like and would it be possible for you and your husband to two do this as a joint venture. What I mean is what would it look like if both you and your husband committed to on cutting back on cigarettes and booze? I know that I have not shared a lot of the experiences that you do however I have been pressed for 39 years for my own reasons. Any in your postz I hear loneliness and isolation similar to what I have felt at times and I want you to know that I am here and I read your post and I am listening

Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:27 pm

Re: Am I Just a Mom?

Postby Amyn73 » Fri Jun 30, 2017 7:21 pm

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. sounds like stress on a lot of fronts. I know that it's like a glass for me. When that stress glass gets fuller, I feel less in control of how I feel and the depression/ less disciplined behaviors pop up. For me it's over-eating. I have absolutely no suggestions, advice or tips for you. I only want you to know that I understand. As a working mom myself, it's hard to take time to recharge, especially when there is no time for fun, relaxation or socialization. I hope this helps!

Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Jul 05, 2017 11:20 am

Re: Am I Just a Mom?

Postby Chihiro » Wed Jul 05, 2017 12:06 pm

I am not a mom but my sister is and she gets kind of like this as well. A few things that help keep her sane are getting that adult interaction and taking the time away from the kids to do something for herself. With that said I know how hard it can be, she tries to set up play dates so she can keep the kids occupied while also getting that adult time. With your three hours you should consider trying to meet up with a friend or relative and or going for walks to think and let out some of the pent up emotions. I'm not sure how helpful this is but at the very least I hope it can give you ideas. As for the other replies, I agree and think that sleep would benefit you, but I know how hard that can be when the kids want to get up early or wake up several times a night, so just try your best. Maybe even try to get your husband to spend time alone with the kids once in a while to give you a break.

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Joined: Wed May 03, 2017 6:06 pm

Re: Am I Just a Mom?

Postby SuZQ154 » Thu Jul 06, 2017 4:20 pm

Your frustration is so understandable and your reaching out is admirable and wise. You obviously want to be a great mom and stepmom, which is wonderful. But, it is hard. I have said for years that staying at home with my children was the hardest job I ever had (yet most rewarding in the long run).

Have you considered MOPS, Mothers of Preschoolers, an international organization whose chapters usually have meetings twice a month and offer free childcare, speakers, socialization, tips for parenting LO's. It was a lifesaver for many gals I know!! They generally run at churches, but you do not have to be a member of the church to belong. You might want to check it out!

Blessings to you! You sound like a great mom!

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